Entry: Hari Raya Special! ^.^

Salam Raya to all!!,

Well, Selamat Hari Raya for the year 2011/1452 Hijrah if I'm not mistaken.. We had a simple yet fab raya this year. This year, unlike others who have a 'kampung' to go back to we simply don't have. Not that my grandma'a is gone or something, our 'kampung' is in Singapore and everybody knows Singapore is a city. 

Yes, I was brought up there and I never actually felt what's like to live in a village. Although I want to sometimes, feel what its like to have a First day Raya in a 'kampung' environment. So, this year we had our last buka at my Grandma'a house and I helped her that night preparing for Raya. Heyy, cutting 'paru' is helping too okayy. 

Okay, less talk.. Here's some picture:

I know it's kind of blur because the lighting is not really that good and we're all like squeezing together. Those were my sisters, btw. Look at our expression.. Oh, and I my face look like a Vampire.. Haha. We all use different scarf style. So it's kind of like showing that those wearing Hijab can too have different styles and fashion. I'm wearing a Hana Tajima pashmina style. Well, more or less...

I like the way it lingers around my forehead and my aunt when she first saw she was like, 'Wah, Maryam.. Macam orang Arab daa." Oh, and she added, "Nie mesti da ade boyfriend" No, Mak Ngah.. I just break with one.. Well, not exactly break but dealing with a broken heart of one. Long Story.

That's my Grandma's room and behind is my grandma and my mom, searching for something in her handbag.

Here's my dad and my sis. She's wearing that long Ariani tudung that she borrows from my mom and my cousin was like, "Cheyy, macam ustazah" Talk about Fallacy. *Eyes rolling*

Ahh, the 'Maaf2' Moment. It's my mom and Dad.. they look sweet together. To tell u the truth, this is the 2nd year that we did this. That's why we had that awkward moment that my grandma had to direct us. Uncool.

Yeah, and the picture onwards is the Salam2 moment where nobody actually cries. Harsh.

Oh, and afterward, we discuss about it and goes, "How come nobody cries?" And everyone gives their own reasons. Mine was simply, 'I prefer private crying moment'.

Well, that's the end of it. We didn't take a family photo this year because people keep on coming and we don't really have time. At my other grandma's house, as per normal was chaos. Oh, and I played Wii along the way until its the 'Maaf2' moment with my grandma.

Total money collect this year: $140/RM 300. 

It's quiet alot consider I'm an adult already. Hee~ So that's all. Oh, the second day, which is today.. My cousins, aunt and uncle from Germany came and they had a sleepover here and tomorrow, we'll celebrate Raya with them at a Bungalow they rent.

Well, that's it. I'm gonna sign off soon and continue watching School Rumble. Sugoi ne~

Ja ne,

MJ. 

Letter of Farewell to Ramadhan...

Dear Ramadhan,

As tonight is the last night we'll be spending together, I have a few things I want to share...

Do you remember that every year you came but I act as though it's not a big deal? Well, I'm Sorry. Because I never know how significant you can be. You stand out from other months because of how special you are in Allah's view that you're the only month where Syaitan was sent away. I was an idiot for not realizing it before.

But this year when you came, I was alone at that time but that night you accompany me with Tarawih and Tilawah that I felt like I was being surrounded by chatters of my closes ones. It was then that I felt a certain urge to treat you different this year, to take your present seriously.

Ramadhan, this time round, I try my best to attain what you offer, forgiveness and blessing. Do you know that I only miss my Terawaih twice? Well, that's a start. I try to wake up everynight because I know your nights is fill with Allah's wonder and secrets that one of the last 10 is the night of 1000 nights where every wishes and doa is granted. The secret round.

Hey, I'm glad that you came this year too because those past year I didn't do well in your Madrasah of Tarbiyyah but Alhamdulillah, I think I did better this year. Oh, and i did Itikaf and Iftar at the Mosque too, together with my family and friends. I never thought or did any of that before and when you came, its the chance for changes to occur and I'm glad.

I know there's alot of other secrets store in you but I only found a few. It's okay, better than nothing right?

Ramadhan, you are the holy month right? Mom says that Angels came down sometimes and I think I bumped into some but I'm not sure. Oh, and Dad says this is like a bonus round for us to be closer to Allah.I know he's right because I somehow can feel the closeness. I hope it's true that I'm closer to my Creator.

I never write a letter to you before but this year, I somehow feel hard to let you go. You came to me in my moments of loneliness, my yearns to be closer to God and my wishes and problem all pile up to be heard and you are that temporary bridge to it. Thanks once again.

Eventhough it's hard to let you go, I know I have to. The only thing I can do now is to wait for you to come back and I promise that while you're gone, I try my best to staythe same together with Istiqomah and Doa' as my strength. And do promise me that if you come again, be sure to bring extra Iman and Takwa for us.

I end this letter with welcoming Syawal to my life and to end Ramadhan with a convocation of Eid. Alhamdullah, I'm glad that I met you this year.

Sincerly,

Me...

The King of all Nights & Raya Fever ``

Salam 27th of Ramamdhan!

Last night is the night of all nights that it's such a waste to not giving it your best shot. Last night the whole family spend the night at the mosque that I felt a certain tug in my heart that this Ramadhan is different. 

It's so much different then before that I felt thankful that I get to spend this year's Ramadhan with those I love like my family, room8, frenz, and of course, my new family in KUIS. They are amazing. They have a care like no other towards me and I felt a bless that I've found them ^_^.

So much that last night, when it's my first time sleeping at the mosque, many things happened to me. It may be insignificant to others but it meant alot to me. Because last night I had a dream. I dream of them. And it wasn't one of that dream that leads you no where because I know it tries to tell me something, but I've yet fig. it out. And during my tadarus, there's a man sitting in front that when I finish reading he was gone. In my heart I said, 'If its an Angel, please Angel send my regard to Allah and thank you for listening to my Quran recitation and thanks for staying up with me when everybody is asleep.'

I know it seems childish but in my heart, a lil' girl is residing there and yes, I'll forever believe that I have my own personal Angel with me. And last night, I felt that my connection to Allah tighten that I somehow fell in love with every words I recite.

I thank Allah, for still giving me a second chance and thanks for still wanting to help me and I promise you, I'll do it right this time round.

Changed.

I don't have the 'Raya Fever' BUT I have a fever towards those who have a Raya Fever. It annoys me that I'm living in the mids-city because everytime Raya or some special occasion occur, we have jam. No, no.no... not that jam but the worst jam with cars and sort. That's what you get for living in a bz place like JB. 

For some reason, i didn't think about Raya much this year. I haven't even buy anything for raya yet and its the 27th day. All I could think about is finishing my Quran before Raya. People around are soo busy planning for Raya, waste half of their money for it and for what purpose? 

Raya is like a convocation for us for having finishing our studies in the Madrasah of Tarbiyyah in this holy month yet, people when over the board and most typical Malay answer is so "Org takk kate kite. Mesti lahh baju raya kene cantekk2 sbb xnakk org kate xstandart" . Please lahh.. Xpayah lahh nakk all over. Its just a feakin' day, for God Sake`...

Buying is not a sin but goin' overboard for it is definetly  Idiotic. I conclude this entry with Salam Ramadhan & Salam Raya. Oh, n Salam Merdeka for Malaysians. Haha.

The person I am.

Salam Ramdhan.

Sometimes we tend to look at others to begin shaping our self. 
Other times I wish to be someone who everyone could stare in awe. 
But I realized that no matter how much you try to impress people; they'll always find a way to disappoint you. 


I am born a dreamer. 
The girl who would stare into space and being brought back only when reality hits me hard.
The girl who would act so recklessly that the moment pain slice its way through I would stumble and looked around with an empty eyes, waiting for a hand to bring me back up.
The girl which people find odd as my interest & attitude contrast from theirs.


I tend to smile and laugh hard when my heart yearns to shed a tear or two. 

I love to help people when they were lost but I'm not sure who would be willingly help me when darkness consume.
I write poetry and diary entry to express my feelings rather then show or share them with people around.


I look up to those who has an amazing talent because I want to be just like them.
I look around those who try to impress people with materials and fake attitude as I find them annoying.
I pity those who falls for others lie and fallacy easily as it shows how an idiot they are.


No matter how much people tend to hate me; I always want to stand tall like a Skyscraper. 
Because I know, I don't live to please others. 

 Yours Truly,
MJxx.

Playing wiv feelings..

Salam. Heyy..

Well, the night is young and so is my writing mood. Xtau lahh nakk categorize my mood as wat? Huu~ Mixed feelings kot. So, before I start to rant all out about my entry tonight.. how 'bout a question to ponder..

"Have you ever feel like trusting this 1 person when u find it hard to trust others. And that 1 particular person that u tend to trust and love BETRAY and PLAYED wiv your feeling like you r nothing but sh*t to them?"
(Pardon my language as I can't seem to restrain it any longer..)

Well, thats exactly how I felt.. Tolong ehh.. and to think that I actually fell for him and tot that he's different.. huu~ looks like that naive lil' girl is still within me that I make decision based on my feelings rather then my critical evaluation.. But that's life, ne?

After all this years that I sorta look up to that guy I finally realize that it is not ME who didn't deserve someone like HIM but it is HE who didn't deserve someone like ME. And to think that he'll change one day... That he's the other side of me.. Puh-lease..

I wanna blame me for it but I realized that HE is to be blame for everything. I know it seems 1 sided here but I know that what ever he said to me,, It's a mistake, a lie.. It's all drugs.

I'm sorry for the 1sided entry and for the non-motivation or pengajaran because well, I'm in a state where my body is here, but my mind is somewhere far away that it wants to remain there for the tym being.. :)

Salam Ramadhan!

The new 'Page'...

Salam!

Well, suddenly I had this feeling to write because something cam up and well, I just read a friend of mine's blog and I was like, 'who's this?' Because her writing is unbelievable. She write it so smoothly and it somehow felt like a silk of words when I read it. And towards the end, I figured who it was without her having to give a clue because I know those words that were quoted in her entry and I know who she is and yes, I looked up to that ability of hers.

Well, I didn't plan to write about that. I was suddenly struck by this question that I know people won't ask directly but it must be there, somewhere at the tip of their lips.

"Why do you want perfection in everything you do?" & "Why do you work so hard and get paranoid all over?"

Well, truthful said... I never been here before. Being someone who involves in a club or student activity much less being an organization or exco. I've always been a wallpaper who people tend to forget and never was my name being bought up unless they desperately need extra person and I never, ever had a grade that I could be proud of but now, right here, right this moment... I was recognized, I was in a dean list, I had job to do and DO get involve in the student body. I always dream of this moment and I want to work hard for it.

I know when people said I was being desperate or being to paranoid at something so insignificant but I guess because they aren't in my shoes right now, they wouldn't know. They question my action but would they know my intention. Yes, I make ALOT of mistake, yes, I can be desperate and paranoid at times, and yes, I might not be totally fit in your life but guess what? I'm human and human are open to flaws. 


Call me what you want.. A newbie, an attention-seeker, a know-it-all.. I don't care because I kept in mind that no on in this world has the guidelines to shape me because Allah is the only one who have the power on me. And as long as I'm not doing anything that would make me a disobedient servant.. I think I'm all good to go.

-MJxx

Random Post ^_~

Damon & Elena (TVD)

Well, I'm not sure why I put this picture. Maybe because I miss watching it but it's Ramadhan so I can't watch those kind of show. Haha. Oh, I forget, SALAM! ^_^ How's your Ramadhan so far? Well, Today a lot of memory past through me and well, I kind of remember my past alot. Include that person. Oh, I forgot.. Maybe because I have to do this 'Journal Writing' and for some reason I write alot about things I never ever though about. Well, I did though about it just not that much. 

I guess I've write so much today that writer's block is coming. Well, the next time I blog, which I didn't know when, I'll write all of this. 

Well, I guess that's all.. Salam!

My Letter 2 the person who used to reside my heart....

To the you who owns my heart,

I just want to say, there’s so many letters I’ve wrote to you that goes unsend. Some because I purposely do so and others is because I have no courage to do so. This maybe one of the “I have no courage”. I want to write a lot of things about me, about you, about us. I want the real truth to be out before regrets overcome me. I want it out so I don’t have anything more to hide and I want to end this game. I want you to know what I feel about things, about you. But too bad I won’t send it to you because I’m not strong enough. Strong enough to feel betrayed, strong enough to trust you with my feelings and most of all, trust you not to turn away from me.

I admit I am egoistic. I am arrogant towards guys. But only because I’m scared. Scared to feel that low feelings you get when someone you love leaves you or pretend or lie. I’m not good with depression. I may look emotionless and don’t care about things but deep down inside I’m still human, I have feelings even though I try my hardest to push it away, to ignore it, to pretend it doesn’t exist but it will come out when I let my guards down.

I push people away, I fight with guys a lot, I pretend to not care about others. Only because when someone gets close to you, only two things that will happen; they leave or their existence is for a certain motive. Happiness does come around but I rather don’t feel both than feel happy and crushed down afterwards. I admit that I’m not strong. I’m so fragile and a single wrong move from you could crush me hard into pieces. I’m also scared then when I start feel comfortable and letting you in, you would turn away and walk through that door without a second look. So rather I make the first move so I won’t get hurt so much. Even if I ask you to promise me, even if you yourself promise me that you won’t leave, I still can’t risk a broken heart.

Now let’s talk about you, shall we?

You’re a guy so basically you are arrogant, egoistic, hard to decipher, hide your emotion and many more but on you, it seems that every single one of those maximize to a higher level. I understand and willing to push it away but I’m annoyed. When someone truly cares about the other person, he’ll be willing to push it aside or you could atleast minimize it. For once, push your ego and pride away! I didn’t expect you to always do that but in certain situation, please, I need to see that you truly care about it so I can give you my trust.

Sometimes or whenever it comes to you, I don’t know if you’re playing games or you’re serious. That’s the thing on you that ticks me sometimes because whenever I ask, you won’t answer but leaves me hanging. Gosh, you might think it’s insignificant but it means a lot for me to know what you actually meant. I’m not good at deciphering things especially words from a guy. I want it to be clear on what message you’re sending because I got confuse a lot. Maybe it’s just me or my paranoid attitude taking over but seriously, be truthfully or atleast make it easier for me to know what you’re trying to send.

You asked me to tell about my problems but you yourself kept it away from me. It’s always nothing or not important for me to know. Biased much? If your purpose of not telling me because you think I’ll be bored or am not interested or simply because you don’t want me to think about you differently then you’re wrong. If someone cares about me, I will return that care even if I don’t look like I’m doing so. But if you don’t want to tell me because you think I’m an outsider and I have no right to know about you then it’s clearly that you’re not trusting me and it goes back to why this couldn’t work out well.

Now is the part where I want to talk about us. Both you and I.

You may not notice this because you’re a guy and because maybe it doesn’t matter to you but I have this feeling from the first time I lay my eyes on you that you’re going to be someone different in my life and someone significant and simply here. I look into your eyes and see determination. You’re not like other guys and the more I push you, the harder you push me back and I end up feeling what I forbid myself to feel. You’re special to me either in a friend context, family context or care context, you just are special in your own categorized group I created.

I don’t want you to leave neither I want you to stay. Right this second I’m writing this, my feelings aren’t that strong as before but I still can’t understand why you’re still here. That’s another thing, you just won’t go away. Regardless of how many times it seems that you are going to or how many times I want to push you out of my life, you keep coming back and I want to know why. I guess you and I have no answer to this. Unless this is your master plan.

Lastly, I’m amazed. You’re different. The first and so far the only guy who could relate quite quick to me. You see me right through my eyes and it annoys and surprised me. I’m usually good at masking my feelings and the real me but sometimes you went pass it easily. Congratz. In other way, I can see that we’re kind of always on the same page. That’s the reason why I won’t let you go even if I don’t have that feelings anymore, because no matter what, I can’t and never will get bored of you. Funny how the story leads us, huh?

That’s the end of it. I hope this letter explain what you need to know. If you’re playing with my heart, then don’t think that I don’t have a back up plan to ruin your life and make you suffer like hell. I’m good at torturing guys, especially the one that easy to reach. Well, good luck with trying to figure out things.

“In the future when my children ask the story of my life, one of it will be the story of us…”

-MJ

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okayy, before u guys get all.. waa? This was written a year ago.. well, not precisely a year but close to it to a certain someone. Well, fyi, we never settle anything yet.. It was left hanging and now like an ocean tide whipping away the surface clean, so does my feelings. I just wanted to share this so the burden will be lifted, somehow.. Well, tnx for reading..

Salam ^_^v

Iftar Ramadhan!

Salam readers!

So, today is the 1st day in my college life I break my fast in the Masjid. It was fun actually.. As in, I was there from Asar to after Tarawih and being in the Masjid -apart from the hot and humid air- it actually feels right and at home. I guess mainly because its Fitrah.. Our human nature wanting to be near our Creator..

So I break fast with some of my friends and well, during the Terawih I met this lady whom look familiar to me but oh well, I didn't seem to remember her.. She asked about stuff like my course, year, where I live etc.. and I actually felt like I don't know.. appreciated.. haha!

I love terawih but I hate the umcomfyness of it.. I mean, I can't seem to breath! Oh, and well, the lil' kids rushing here and there reminds me of my bro and sis and how much I miss them!

Well, that's all.. Salam and nyt!

Rantz from the 1st day of fasting

Salam..

Huu~ Firstly before I start to write about my dayy.. I wanna say that "To those who r fasting with someone, cherish your moment cuz u might never know when it'll ends" huu~ T.T

This year, 1st day je da sorg2.. naseb ade Iftar kat Masjid.. kalau takk, de yg menangis  mkn sorg2 kat bilik.. huu~ So today, I woke up around 3.45 by an incoming msg so I perform some Solat and Sahur some rice and biscuit. Mind u, I did everything alone today and yes, freakishly alone!

I woke around 8 wiv a stomach that demands the toilet and afterward, I slept back and woke around 11++ again wiv an incoming msg.. I started to think msg tones and a better alaram then my alarm tone.. huu~ And well, I didnt spend much today apart from lazying around till 3pm while waiting for a msg to tell me there's usrah today but to my dismay, there's none.

So after performing my zohore, I spend like half an hr solving a Sudoku game. Yes, I'm bored regardless of assignment pilling up. Huu~ So I did solve the Sudoku and I received the msg I waited for.. telling me there's no Usrahh.. So, I turn back to my assignments and yes, part time chcking FB..

It was a bore ppl talk about how hungry they are and all in their status so I scrolled with eyes half open and I saw a blog entry from a senior and KUIS here and she tell bout her being alone fasting and I was like, omg! me too.. How sad.. huu~ And she said she felt like crying.. wheres I already did.. haha!

Well, its already 6.30 and I need to get ready for Iftar and Solat terawih at Al-Azhar mosque.. Selamat berbuke to ya'll and remember, CHERISH THAT MOMENT! Salam!

1st Nyt of Ramadhan !

Salam once again..

Yes, this is my second entry of the Night.. Yey me for being extra 'hard-workin'' when I should be sleeping cuz 2morow I need to wake up for sahur! Huu~ ni lahh.. Rajin xbertempat..

Okay, so this topic I really am going to talk about Ramadhan and my 1st night of it, this year.. It all start with my friends saying they're going back home.. I was like fyn, watev.. but as usual, wat came out from my lips is never the same as what's in my heart.. I felt betrayed, hurt, and crash -Haha, dramatic nahh- no lahh, just kidding.. I just feel like 'oh okayy, so my first night of fasting this year will be by myself only *hati da sebakk*' I tot of fasting with other friends but oh well, alone is okayy I guess.. besides, I have Allah with me =) .

So that night I went to the masjid with a friend of mine but when we're in, I just lost her totally because she didn't stick around me.. So, alone I solat and sat at the corner while reading the Holy Quran with its Translation.. bless the 'me' time.. I learn alot from it.. Then the terawih prayer came and go with ots of background music of little children scream, laughter and sometimes cries.. We, the jemaah, was well.. In between focusing on the Imam and the children noise... Ahh, such a scene..

Oh, and before I forget.. I accidentally smiled during the solat cuz sumtine happened.. ok, so usually after the Imam recite al-Fatihah, the makmum will say Ameen ryt? and then I heard from a bunch of, I tink primary school boys said Ameen but with extra intonation and long -meeeeeeeen and well, with that cute boyish voice and I was like omg, they sound cute and funny at the same time and yea.. I accidentally smile..

So after the prayer, I sat around waiting for my friend and then I get this idea of poem and then I get all emotional looking at those kids and their mother which reminds me of my childhood memories and well, my parents and I was actually at my verge of tears and I just had to be strong and build up my wall and put on that masked to cover up my feelings of insecure but I know I couldnt hold on longer plus my hunger is getting over my head so I just had to stand up and leave my friend because well, I was offended a bit of her.. I mean, if she wants to stay there fine.. but don't treat me like I'm nothing but a person to go to when u need me. See, told u 'bout gettin' emotional..

So I went to the cafe and bought food and drinks and when back home to the empty room and pretend I'm in the scene of a sad music video.. Haha. And that's when I pour out all of held back tears into a stream of crystal gushing out and yes, I feel okayy after wards and yes, I didn't just look like a Vampire but a real Gothic Queen after that 'event'.. If I'm wearing a scarf, I would surely took a picture of it.. haha..

Well, here I am now.. writing blogs when I shld be sleeping.. Dang! Must be the after effect of reading her blog.. Yes her.. that girl whom I look up to, even though she's not really that okayy with me.. I still respect her like a mini-role model.. hee~

Well, that's it with my 1st nyt and oh remind me, I need to change the layout and all.. It's gettin' old.. Okay, Nyt.. salam and selamat berpuase Darl!

Why I prefer English Writing..?

I know it has nothing to do with the post but who cares?

Salam..

Firstly.. Yes, I havent update in ages because well, busy.. Sy tersgt lah bz lately.. ok, no.. since start sem.. I think I've told u b4, ryt? (Okayy.. I wanna try writing in full english.. No short form.. Unless needed. Here goes..)

Before that, do you guys want to know why I write in English? Why I prefer in over Bahasa Malaysia/Melayu?

Mainly because I start writing since I was 12 (the diary and free writing thingy.. not the essay we hav to do in classes) and that is the period where my hormone started to change -Ok, fine xde kene mengene- that is when I start to get exposure from the REAL world and what I meant by REAL world is.. the world with internet, tvs, hanging out, socially over, etc.. And I'm not expose to it in Malay. Yes, I mean I never heard Malay songs before during this age, did not read Malay book and surely, did not watch Malay drama (exp. 4 Cinta Bollywood which hav Aaron Aziz. Gosh, such an old drama!). So, my friend and I we're into this American  or Western Lifestyle so I drop Malay lifestyle.

Ye, sy admit.. Sy Melayu pd IC and pd keturunan yg pun takk 100% Malay cuz sy ad darah lain gakk.. People might say, sy xbersyukur dilahirkan Melayu or 'nak jdy Mat Salleh konon' or mayb 'xmengaku asal diri dr mne'.. Well, to that I'll answer.. Sy bersyukur sgt2 dilahirkan ISLAM! Kalau setakat Melayu.. ade je yg lahir melayu tp xIslam.. Bersyukur ke gi2? For me, race is nothing.. Yes, it determine Culture and Origins but I prefer to be label as org ISLAM and not org Melayu because if the Melayu derived me away from Islam then for D*mn sure I'll drop the Malay altogether.. Ic x ic..  Okayy.. this is SO not prejudice okay.. spe yg smgt Kemelayuan dier tggi.. maaf.. but this is just my penny of thoughts..

Okayy, rse da tersasul jauh nie(ye, sy gne BM gakk sumtimes cuz sum ppl xsuke 100% eng)..

Okay, so I start writing in English and I like to write in English because I can play with words and I write better in English and well, for some who aren't much expose to English slang and all.. I'm sorry, but I prefer to joke ard in English.. It makes more sense.

Okayy.. so that's why I prefer writing in English.. Besides, I'm an English Student for crying out loud.. I have to write in English.. So I can improve myself.. and well, so I can get the spices of it stir well in my ingredients of Language.. Yes, I'm a freakin' poet..

Fine, da tersasul from the original topic so I had to change It.. actually nk tulis sal Ramadhan but.. well.. Allah knows best ^_^.. Tnx 4 readin ya'll.. Salam n Selamat berpuase!