Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Hijrah Story

Salam Ramadhan.

Everyone has that one moment where they stumble upon ‘the Light’. Bertemu cahaya Hidayah.. or something like that. Well, this is mine.

Most people think that hijrah is a 360 degree period with a one way ticket. No en route. But the reality is, hijrah has a lot of en route. We fall, we climb back up and fall again and again and again. We went back to who we are again and turn back forward and when back again.

Some people may gain the 360 change kind of thing but most of us don’t, for instance, me.
Some people think that I have been who I am right now since forever because I am from an Islamic school and that my father is an Ustaz. But even my father has that hijrah moment and trust me, that is a 360 kind of thing.

My changing point is actually from a book. And it was during my post-SPM period. The book below, Salju Sakinah is actually the first ever Islamic novel that I read and one of those rare moment where I read Malay novel.

I do not know how, but it was an eye opener.

Before, I may be from an Islamic school but to me, all of those is just purely theory. I have this understanding that Islam is only when I perform Solat, and fast and all those Ibadah that symbolize religion. But when I read this novel, I learn that Islam is actually something more.

I was too westernize. Yup, I admit it. My life was purely entertainment based. Music was basically that part of my life that I cannot live without. Western artist was my role model. My guideline had always been magazines and western novels. Growing up in Singapore, you are too free! Free to do whatever you want, wherever you go.

But more to that, I was lost.

I keep on searching the reason for my existence and always found the wrong reason. I have different belief then, and well, seriously am lost. Even my aqidah was on the line then.

I guess that is the downside of being in an Islamic school, you have the knowledge but you do not know when to apply it.

The ironic part it, I gain Islam when I had finished schooling.

But that is just one side of it, I change but instead of applying it to my life, I change the way of my life and focus ONLY on the Ibadah side. I guess it was too overwhelming that I had a breakdown. Haha. And what I get is that I lost weight A LOT!

Do you know I used to be 50kg plus plus? But now can barely exceed 47 kg.

Okay, salingan je tu..

That is my first Hijrah. I relearn about Islam. I even reread and rememorize the Solat reading back. But I guess Allah pull me from that first Hijrah so I can enter the second Hijrah.

When I entered KUIS, well, I guess there is where I learn about Islam being everything. Syumul. My first time entering Usrah and go to Islamic program and well, I meet the nicest people and became part of the nicest community ever. I learn about Palestine, Syria.. I learn about politics in islam.. My mind is exposed to things that I never knew before.
I learn Islam back from basic to attain new knowledge.

My hijrah was not from not knowing to knowing, my hijrah is from being ignorant to actually being aware.

But even so, my past is still there lingers around me, mocking me. When a thing has been a part of you for so long, you can’t possibly abandon it just like that. I fell into the darkness over and over again and at one point, I even question myself.

Is this it? Am I meant to go through this Hijrah? How come I could not stick with it just like everyone? I just want to stop trying at that moment. I’m tired of going back and forth. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. I’m tired of being a hypocrite, as I thought. I just want to be who I am.

But then it struck me.

Who I am? Not being a hypocrite? Is trying to be someone better a hypocrite? Is it like trying to be another person?  Be who I am? Who am I?

Is my true self that westernized girl who thinks nothing of Islam? IS THAT WHO I AM?
Do I want to die being that person?

I guess finally all of those hijrah, that moment of changes hit me.

I did change. That was what matters. I did found Islam, I did learn a lot. I did make an improvement. Heck, I went through a lot!

It does not matter if we keep on turning back, if we keep on visiting our past. What matters is that we did not stay there. That we return back to being better and better and better. Not everyone has that 360 degree hijrah.

"And being who you are if it is not Islam based is crap. It is just syaitan’s way of making you feel comfortable with your sins."

Who you are should be the humble servant Allah please with. Nothing more, nothing less.
Yup, I am still learning. I have 1001 more stuff that I was yet to learn and to do. I’m still a newbie and I may not be right most of the time. I change slowly and am still making sins.
To those who went through the Hijrah period and feel like going back to their Jahiliyyah period, well, don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever give up on the Hidayah that Allah gives you.

Don’t make excuses that you can’t or what other crap.

You can. You definitely can.
 Let us all change and move towards Him.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

UPU Result!

Salam Ramadhan readers!

Ehee.. Blog berhabuk itu ayat cliche. 
Ni bukan berhabuk, ni da jadi sarang tikus da ni.

Anyway, just to inform you peepz that I have applied UPU for this upcoming Sept intake. And well, today is the result day. 

Sadly, I did not get any IPTA. At first, my reaction was pretty much monotonous. I thought that maybe it is due to my incomplete application but in the afternoon, I got the news that some of my friends got it. 

I guess the whole day I was just holding it in. Trying my hardest to stay strong but I end up broke down. Literally. 

Of course, my innerself keep on saying, "Nanti batal puase!" and "Dah lah, Allah is cooking up something special for you." Trust my innerself to come up with the 'Cooking' up term. -.-'

I keep on questioning myself, is it my result? Is it my MUET? Is it something else entirely? But I could not come up with anything. I guess it is pure luck. And my path is not here. Well, I could try the rayuan but if its not meant to be, it is not meant to be. 

Totally malas untuk cari gambar yg berkaitan -.-'

So, to those who fail their UPU application,

I am not saying that I'm strong enough. That I did not cry. That I accept it easily.
I've cried my heart out. I keep on thinking that what if I do not have any future at all? That I stop as ONLY a diploma student. 

I want to continue study. I want to get my PhD before I enter my 30s. It is pure torturing to stay in a University and not being one instead. Heck, I put 101% hope on this. 

Of course, saying things like its okay and whatnot to someone when you're not experiencing it is totally 'URG!' 

But this is reality. This is the world we are living in. This is the country (pfft) with annoyingly unreasonable system that we have to endure. So, just be strong.

Life have to go on. Though I am not sure what my life is anymore. 


Okay, so forget about the negative side. Try this.

This is the tarbiyyah phrase from Allah in the lovely month of Ramadhan. Heck, are you going to throw it away? You are lucky enough to have receive it. Allah wants you to go through this period because Allah knows you. Allah knows that you can handle it. In this month of Ramadhan out off all the month, He wants you to remember Him and be close to Him now! 

Forget UPU, this is the chance! This is the chance to prove your status as Allah's humble servant. You may not be the special someone in the eye of human but you are special enough in Allah's present. 

Embrace this test and be thankful. Be thankful that Allah chooses you instead. 

Hey, cheer up heart. Allah wants you to let go of the worldly stuff to focus on you Akhirah. Cheer up friends, Allah is keeping you for something wayyyy more special than this. 

Seriously, I may not be strong. I may not be close to patient and sane but I have people around me that could at least keep me sane and I have Allah to keep me strong.

So do you.

Keep in mind, your future is still with Him. 
Be patient and be strong. 

Ehee ^.^v

Oh btw, pray for me to get a scholarship aitez? I already got my offer to University of Glasgow. Just need the money. Cruel world.

-Maryam Jameelah