Friday, November 1, 2013

Losing Him (A Reflection)

Assalamualaikum =D

Hi, it’s me. Trying to write a blog entry again. I know, I know.. It has been awhile huh? A lot has happened and well, I’ll write that in another entry.

Last night, a sister message me, well Whatsapp-ing me asking:

“Maryam, if you were to lose the thing that is precious to you and that you love so much, what would you do?”

I know, it’s a rhetorical question. So I answered, “I will fight for it and try my very hardest to get it back but after trying so hard and things doesn’t go my way, I’ll let it go. Maybe it is not meant to be.”

But then the question made me think, what is that precious thing? What is that thing that I hope I won’t lose?

It makes me reflect back to what or who is the most important thing/person to me? So, you can picture me walking towards class and was deep in thought about this. Walking to class usually takes about 15-20 minutes and it depends on how fast I walk.

I love walking, you know. Especially here in UIA because the scenery and air is simply remarkable except when it rains or scorching hot. Well, I don’t mind walking in the rain but hot weather? Sun blazing? To infinity and beyond I will never like it. It weakens me! And I’m not exaggerating! Because I usually wears black, so you get my point?

Oh, I think we are a bit out of topic right now. The point being, I love walking because it gives me A LOT of time to think and reflect. Detik-detik muhasabbah. Cehh.

After a while of thinking about it and feeling totally lost and alone recently,
I’ve found the answer.

If I lose an important thing or person in life, I am still able to get up and move on because they may have a replacement and well, like I said, it is not meant to be but if I were to lose Allah, my whole life is meaningless.

I’m not just saying it, I really mean it. And I want everyone to feel that way to. To know what is the utmost priority in your life.

Lately, I think I was too overly consume with some personal problem that I realized is pulling me away from Him. When I realized this, everything halt to a stop.

I literally push all of it out. It does not matter anymore what my problem is because if it pulls me away from Allah then THAT is the biggest problem and I am training my inner most self to be aware of this.

And because of slowly losing Him, I realized that I am too, losing myself. I do thinks without thinking, get angry for no reason and find comfort in the wrong way.

I want to be a better person and that is my main objective. I’m willing to put everything aside, my feelings, my needs and my desires just so I can be someone better in the eyes of Allah.

So I pray to you, Ya Allah. Bestow upon me people that will bring me closer to you. Because I do miss that moment when we are under that circle to your light. I’ll try my hardest this time round. Hopefully when the time comes for me to close my eyes for the last time, I’ll be smiling, knowing that I’ve done my very best.