Saturday, March 15, 2014

I'm only human.

"But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human"
-Christina Perry, Human

Don't expect too much of me.
Because I might just crush you back.

Sometimes, I think my life is a lie. No, I am a lie. 
Am I a hypocrite? A pretender? A liar?
It's like I'm living in a world full of lies,
And I, being the inhabitant, is one of them.

I fake my smiles,
I fake my happiness,
I fake my life.

And the only pathetic excuse I can give myself is that, 'I'm only human'.

Sometimes I do ask myself, who am I? 
And I never did get an answer. 
And even if I do, I do not know if I can be myself around people.

Because they will surely despise me from the first sight. 
They won't accept me.
And acting is the only good thing I can do.
I've painted the perfect life in people's eyes.
"She's that kind of girl," they said and smile.

I'm not. Trust me, I'm not. 
I'm broken.
I'm tainted.
I'm lost.

And I'm searching for that kind hand.
To hold me even though they know how ugly and horrible I am.
To tell me that they will stay with me no matter how depressed and emotional I am.
To be patient with my unacceptable attitude. 

Of course, sometimes I do wish that I can be whoever I want to be.
But you can't.
The world have rules.
You are not free.

They will be people out there condemning you.

Yes, this post is emotional.
Yes, this post is dark.
And yes, I'm tired of pretending. 


Like I said, people expectation is too high sometimes. Just because we dressed modestly, posting Islamic status does not mean we are Angels. That one small mistake, will began the world of condemning. 

People used to talk bad about me. It is just a small matter that if normal people do it, they won't get judge but when I did it, suddenly everyone started to make a big fuss about it. 

I'm human, people. 
I sin too. I make mistake. I fall. I bleed. I choose wrongly.

Sometimes it makes my think.. 'Is it a good choice to change? To be a better person?'
It hurts me that among those who wears 'tudung labuh' and 'kopiah' there are still judgmental people among them. 

I used to be afraid of them. To be among them. 
Just because you have never commit that serious a sin like us, does not give you the ticket to condemn us. To look at us with that pissed off look of yours. 

You and I, we are both Daie. 
And I've been in the place of the Mad'u.
I know which kind of people that make me scared and seclusion.

So don't act up. Stop being judgmental. Stop looking at them with that pissed look when they did not listen to you. And never, ever think that you are better than them. NEVER.

I hope this kind of Daie will just vanish. 
Judging people is already harsh as it is. 
We are all human. Mistakes are a normality. 

Be their friend. Be the person they trust. Be open minded. Understand them.
Be the kind of person you want them to be.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

Fake it till you make it.


I just feel like writing.

I mean I have poetry test tomorrow and my heart is making that painful reminder of my anxiety so I decided to ignore it and write. Usually I write stories every week but since this week is so emotional and stressful, I decided not to write.

But I want to write an entry.

The title of this entry is from Hlovate's novel. Anthem, I think. Check it. Like... seriously check it. Hlovate is the best writer of all time apart from John Green. In fact, Hlovate's novel is what motivates me to be a better muslim and somehow gave me this moi, moi moment. I know, I'm being such a girl. Haha.

This is one of that moi, moi moments. Ahaa. Even though it has a grammatical mistake there.

The conversation is between Minn and AO. I always find them the sweetest couple of all time. You have to like read it to find out. But really, Versus is one of the book that makes me strong enough to abandon my past and search for a better future. 

So, Fake it till you make it?

Yup, that is what I learn throughout my life. Sometimes we don't get what we want but that is not the reason to go mopping around and feel sad. It was not meant for you. And what you get, well, take time to love it. Fake it if you must. 

Because we are human. 

We can't all be perfect and started liking it in just a second. IT.TAKES.TIME.
It takes time to accept the fact that you did not get what you want and it takes time to adapt what you get. 
And it between the process, fake it. Fake liking it because eventually, you'll like it. We human just need time. 

That is what I learnt throughout stuff that I did not get. And times it may seem easy to mop around and blame fate but you are not doing yourself a favor. You are just making things worst. Blaming fate is like blaming the inevitable. 

That's one of Hlovate's too. Seems like its a Hlovate night. Haha.

Anyway, I did not plan to write on this topic. I plan to write about fear but hey, whichever.

Truthfully, I am not feeling well lately. Not my physical state, its my mental state. I keep on thinking negative thoughts and well, I got those depression overwhelmed feeling. I don't know why. 

I keep on thinking how imperfect I am and how broken I am and well, how weird I am. I'm pretty weird, I know.
And I started to detached myself from people.
Maybe its all the subjects but maybe its me.
I don't know. 

I am not the type to get emotional attached to someone so I don't do expressing feelings and 'crying on someone's shoulder' well. Especially the crying part.

Oh, but I'm good at faking my emotions, so we are back to the topic.
I guess at times you just need to act and well, deal with your problem all alone. 

But you have Him, regardless. 
And well, not everyone understands you,
but He sure do. 
And the best part is that He'll listen. Always. All the time.  

So don't be afraid. Don't be reluctant. And don't be unmotivated. 
You'll get by just fine. 
And maybe one day you'll fine that one person who fits perfectly in that missing piece of yours.
And well, you'll get through. 
You definitely will, Little Angel. 

So, get back up and face the world.
Fake it till you make it, Love.