"But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human"
-Christina Perry, Human
Don't expect too much of me.
Because I might just crush you back.
Sometimes, I think my life is a lie. No, I am a lie.
Am I a hypocrite? A pretender? A liar?
It's like I'm living in a world full of lies,
And I, being the inhabitant, is one of them.
I fake my smiles,
I fake my happiness,
I fake my life.
And the only pathetic excuse I can give myself is that, 'I'm only human'.
Sometimes I do ask myself, who am I?
And I never did get an answer.
And even if I do, I do not know if I can be myself around people.
Because they will surely despise me from the first sight.
They won't accept me.
And acting is the only good thing I can do.
I've painted the perfect life in people's eyes.
"She's that kind of girl," they said and smile.
I'm not. Trust me, I'm not.
And I'm searching for that kind hand.
To hold me even though they know how ugly and horrible I am.
To tell me that they will stay with me no matter how depressed and emotional I am.
To be patient with my unacceptable attitude.
Of course, sometimes I do wish that I can be whoever I want to be.
But you can't.
The world have rules.
You are not free.
They will be people out there condemning you.
Yes, this post is emotional.
Yes, this post is dark.
And yes, I'm tired of pretending.
Like I said, people expectation is too high sometimes. Just because we dressed modestly, posting Islamic status does not mean we are Angels. That one small mistake, will began the world of condemning.
People used to talk bad about me. It is just a small matter that if normal people do it, they won't get judge but when I did it, suddenly everyone started to make a big fuss about it.
I'm human, people.
I sin too. I make mistake. I fall. I bleed. I choose wrongly.
Sometimes it makes my think.. 'Is it a good choice to change? To be a better person?'
It hurts me that among those who wears 'tudung labuh' and 'kopiah' there are still judgmental people among them.
I used to be afraid of them. To be among them.
Just because you have never commit that serious a sin like us, does not give you the ticket to condemn us. To look at us with that pissed off look of yours.
You and I, we are both Daie.
And I've been in the place of the Mad'u.
I know which kind of people that make me scared and seclusion.
So don't act up. Stop being judgmental. Stop looking at them with that pissed look when they did not listen to you. And never, ever think that you are better than them. NEVER.
I hope this kind of Daie will just vanish.
Judging people is already harsh as it is.
We are all human. Mistakes are a normality.
Be their friend. Be the person they trust. Be open minded. Understand them.
Be the kind of person you want them to be.