Thursday, September 27, 2012

Dreaming you


Hey you..
You know what? I dreamed about you last night..
It was a surprised for me because as far as I became aware of it, I never had a dream with you in it.
It was weird because you are one of the people in my life that gave me a reason to dream.

You know, in that dream we were fighting as per usual but this was about something that I wrote.
You were saying how wrong I am and I was defending myself, obviously.
Then we stood there quietly, not wanting to look at each other.

And you took my hands. 
Caressed it at first but then you crossed your fingers with mine. 
And you weren't even looking, made me laughed with that egoistic attitude of yours.
But I'm glad. 

This shows how much our friendship matters to you.
This shows that you have your own way of saying sorry.
This shows that maybe, just maybe.. that dream is a sign of something.

It feels real, ya know?
That warmth. That softness. That feeling.
I want us to be friends. 
I want us to laugh at that silliness play and share stories again.
And I want us to argue, if that is a price to pay.


It was just a dream.
I like transferring images to words.
But really, that touch do feel different somehow.

I am still doing editing and listening to some songs. I know! I have to stop doing Lagha stuff at times but I can't stop it. Its been in me since forever. Music flowing in my blood. Those lyrics are my inspiration to write. My kakak naqibah said that maybe, this is the reason why I keep forgetting stuff. Huu~

Btw, I somehow missing Usrah time. I like Usrah, surprisingly. Haha. The last time we had a meeting was almost a month ago. I think. 

Arg, anyway.. I need to stop listening to songs for awhile because I need to memorize some surah + translation for my Islamic Literature. Memorizing somehow reminds me of my school days. Haha. 

How I dread to go to school because I havent memorize my Quran.
That I have to stayback at times because I did not memorize. 
That even, when I got detention, I have to memorize 3 or 4 ayat that took longer than it should. 
I miss it at times =) That at times, when in an Usrah session or something that we have to memorize hadith or some ayat, that I got giddy up. Hee~ 

When I have a child later on, I'll train him/her like how my mommy and daddy used to train me, except that I went wrong somewhere along that path that I lose it. I'll try. After all, the Quran is going to be the only friend for us later on, in our grave. 


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It WAS my life..


I have this thing inside of me that somehow when I read someone writing or poems or whatev that is so good, atleast in my own opinion, that it feels like falling in love. The world stop for a second and took my breath away and the more I read, the more I feel as though my head was up in the air, somewhere that at times, tears could trickled down my cheek.

I guess that is just me.

I can be a bit sentimental to stuff like that. And delusional. Whatever.

Anyway, a few days ago someone asked me about my love life and it was surprising for me. Its been awhile since someone dare to ask me that question because no one would really want to venture in my past life and that was when I realized.. Its been 2 years. 

2 years since "Forever and Always", 
2 years since fighting late at night, 
2 years since checking my fb and phone msg countless times,
2 years since smiling for no reason and crying about nothing...

Its been awhile and I did not realize it. How time has past and how I have change since then. It is not that I did not feel lonely at times and wishes that I have someone to talk to, someone that I can let things out, someone that can be that secret strength of mine.. but I know I'm no place to do so. 

I'm not that giddy high-school girl anymore. I have things that matters to me more right now. I can't afford to fall in love, to even look for one. I don't have that liberty and capability anymore. And I'm glad.

Because falling in love is such a waste of time.

My friend used to call me 'Ice Maiden' because she said that whenever I look at guys, its like they are not worthy of me, that I put up such a high wall because I do not want to let them in. That I walked around leaving frozen footprint behind. 


I was actually being frustrated with Window Live MM because I've been editing the video of our Lit drama for hours and yet, yet.. it got stuck! Tralala.. I'm being patient here. Pfft~

Since it was way over midnight, I love losing myself to words. Letting whatever my heart desire takes place here. This is what I meant by 'Midnight Muse'.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

A niqab entry: Some issues...

Assalamualaikum =>

Before I start, I would like to apologize to people who were offended by me. Really, I'm sorry so accept my sorry cuz I'm nt gd at giving it out.

Well, this is obviously an entry regarding the niqab and yes, I know that some people have that 'dislike' perception towards me about it. They may not confront me but end up talking about it behind my back which I find rather cowardly. I mean, if I did something wrong, tell me. I'm not the type to feel offended easily. 

So, the thing is.. people have their own reason and perspective in wearing it.. My friend once asked me, "Asal kau pakai nie? Ape pantang larang pakai ni? Aq tak paham lahh"

And my brother once said "kak, ape use akak pakai.. tepi nie nmpak ckit" .

The thing is, I already stated why I wear it and I did not 'mewajibkan' myself wearing it. Some get offended when they ask: "Sampai bile nak pakai nie?" and I answered, "Sampai kahwin nnti, InsyaAllah." And they r lyk.. asal smpai kahwin je. 

I get it, I'm nt all that good, all that saint so I might get married to someone who does not like me wearing it and well, I just have to listen to him. He is my husband, for heaven sake. But I pray that I'll get someone who will be my strength to continue wearing it. 

I admit that I took it off when eating because its really, really hard to eat and wear it at the same time.. Don't ask me if I've tried it cuz I have. Alot of time and I ends up getting all messy. But I usually situated myself where people won't walk infront so if they happened to walk infront then, what to do, I tried. 

And there's people who did not like me wearing it like my grandma.. She used to chase away my mom from home because my mom wore it and not until she took it off, then my grandma welcome her back. So whenever she is around I would not wear it. I do not want to offend her and she's already old and have some health problem so sometimes, I value making her not mad more. 

After all, its not like I'm with her 24/7.. I seldom meet her so when I do, I sacrifice a bit. It is painful though, to not wear it. It feels trapped somehow. 

So before you start to point finger at me and say those things, please listen to my side of the story. 

Yes, I'm not that pious..
I'm not an Islamic Course student..
I am an ustaz daughter but at times, I do not act like one..
I have my tainted past and never a day pass that I do not feel guilty about it..
I admit, I'm not one to say whether something is right or wrong..

Because when I wear the niqab, people are really surprise that some are speechless. The reaction in their face. But please give me a chance to improve myself.. When I'm wrong, do tell. Tell me what I did wrong because I might not know what I did wrong. I might forget it, remind me. 

So if I might have to take it off one day if the situation begs me to, so don't go all blaming and stuff but I sure hope I won't. I sure hope that I can wear it till forever ends and even beyond that. Just so you know, I love my niqab, I love wearing it. 

Call me whatever things u want; nt sincere, wanting fame, desperate for attention, acting pious or whatever I don't care.. Because what I'm doing is between me and Allah. Allah knows my intention and He knows me best so if you want to start hating me or questioning me, do so. Just so u know, if you havent heard my part of the story.. dun judge.

Everyone have their own perspective.. mine not be 100% right either. And I love my niqab, I love wearing it so don't think I don't. There are things that I value more sometimes. And I might want to one day bring up the name of niqab and do things that they think a Niqabist cant do. 


Saturday, September 15, 2012



I just read my friend Eleena nyer blog about her moments of giving birth and I think she's awesome and sngatlah berani. Then came this feeling of wanting to have a baby of my own. Berangan, padahal kahwin pun blum. And I'm sure I'm not ready for it. I can see that some of my friends already have that ciri-ciri of being a wife but not me. I still am too childish and immature to be one. 

I plan to get married at 22 which is a longggg way to go so I do not have to get all work up. Haha. Besides, who knows in 2 years time I'll learn the true meaning of being a woman *pfft~*. I don't really care actually. I mean jodoh sume in Allah's hand right? When the perfect time come, you'll be ready as ever. I'll be ready, at the very least. Though I still can't picture my self having a family of my own.

Mesti I'll fight alot with my husband and then dier kene pujuk me or at least I hope he won't leave me because of my ego-ness and headstrong-ness. Nah, I'll try to change that part. I'll try to not be that egoistic when I get married later on. As long as he can stands me. As long as he is patient enough to be with a girl like me. 

Yaaa~ I mean, whatever. Not that it matters now.

Anyway, I'm trying to finish up my assignments; translation, Islamic Lit, Literature, Term paper..  See? I have lots to do yet I'm procrastinatinggggg!

It is a bit lonely today. I finish up time by watching Fairy Tail. Sometimes I love this whole solitude thing. It makes me reflect on myself more. 

This is just a random entry. I just feel like writing because of the whole baby thing and because I'm procrastinating. And because I have been very immature, and emotional this week due to the 'time-of-da-month' thingy. I've hurt alot of people this week so whatever, I'm sorry those people who I have hurt.. this week. Fine, or last week, or the previous week or throughout my lifetime. 

I am human. So are you people. So, get-over-it! We're not in high school anymore. We're not that young immature high school kid who talks a lot but lacks experience. Am I right? 

"You get what you give".. "What goes around comes around".. "Be kind to unkind people"
Those words had me going throughout my lifetime.

When I fight with my best friend... When I broke up with 'that-particular-guy-who-goes-unnamed'.. When I play with other people's feeling.. When I start to be unkind.. 

Those period and moments where history is repeating itself because Allah wants to remind me that I still have not fix that particular mistake yet. So, whatever it is.. I'm fixing it now so it won't be too late. 

Wow, so it is not really that random an entry. Haha. I hope whoever read this will atleast get something from it. I don't want my words to be mere words. I want my words to help the world to be a better place. Okayy, dah merepek. Time to stop writing! =)


In case I remember you..

In case I remember you,
I want to be able to feel what I felt before..
I want to recall back all those sweet and awful memories..
I want you to keep on giving me those expression you use only for me..

I'm sorry that I forget you,
You are really special to me, I can feel that..
But I could not foresee what would happen to me..
I do not even think that one day I'll lose you to this..

But I promise you, I'll remember you..
I'll do whatever it takes...

I'm sorry you have to go through this..
I'm sorry you have to suffer on my behalf..
But not for long, darling I promise..

Happily ever after is not as it seems...
Dragon, princesses and evil queens,
Are nothing but mere illusion..

But you and I..
We're the victim of time and accidents,
We're the enemy of fantasy and dreams...

Whatever it is, please..
When my memory regain,
We'll stop fighting..


[Late night muse]

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Days like this...


I want to talk about today. 

Ha. Not precisely. Guess what happen today?

I got a scar! On my left hand index finger . From a cat. I just wanna scratch his/her tummy but I end up getting a long scratch. Harsh! 

I got a new notebook! Haha. I've been collecting notebook since forever. And right now I have 4 or 5 really expansive notebook that I don't have a heart to taint on it. So it is left unwritten. I'm not sure about this one. I'm too 'sayang' to use it. The cover has a sort of gothic theme. And the pages inside too. 

My pink LG lollipop cell phone got socked by water today. I love that phone! Even though it is not a smart phone or some latest phone, it is still too unique and it has that 'Maryam' touch to it. So far, I am the only one that I see using it here but alas, I have yet to know the rest. Anyway, its fine. Only the secret light and the message up front flickers randomly. But overall it is fine.. I'm just a bit dramatic cuz I love that phone. 

Hmm, what else?

Ah! IT quiz cancelled! Haha. We'll be having an open book test tomorrow instead. Along with Literature.. Urg! I love Literature but I hate quizzes. Sue me~

Ohh.. KUIS has this open house, university, whatever.. And I was not really that hungry because of that time of the month but I end up getting some smoked/grilled lamb.. Freakin' nice! Tralala.. I happen to love lamb. Haha.

I guess that's all. I've been having that out-of-focus moment lately. I guess it may be because of the low blood pressure but still. 

Enough of this too factual daily-life story. Today I kind of have a mixed emotion kind of thing. I'm a suspicious person. I just can not help it that I have a hard time trusting people. It's not my fault that I think everyone has a motive against me and am using me for their own benefit. I'm insecure, I get it.. So when I get this feeling I kind of hate it because then I'll be pushing everyone out! Out of my life, out of my thought. I'll end up alone. 

That is why I never really did welcome anyone in, especially guys. I always think of a conversation as playing chess.. One wrong move and they'll kill you. So I have to be careful, to stand my guard. When will I ever feel secure again? 

That is just it. Like I said, Happily ever after only applies to weaklings. Because they can't take up reality like a real pro. Haha. I'm not a pro, not at all. I'm still that girl, floating on air.. waiting for an angel to catch her. Okayy, da merepek. Tralala. 


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Till we meet again, Sis.

Assalamualaikum =>

I have rather a day to be remembered today. It's not something happy yet more of a mixed feelings. And whenever I have mixed feelings, my lips are sealed yet my hand will do all the thing that my mouth can't.

My 2nd sister just leaved for Jordan today.

You know, its weird.. I've been telling people for months now and did not feel anything yet today during the parting moment I was laughing then burst into tears at the same time. That is just me. I fail in expressing emotion.

I do not know how to be sad, to be jealous, to be mad like a normal human being. Because I spent years hiding, masking them. I guess today, all the years training meant nothing. I cried in the middle of the crowed infront of everyone without restraining myself. And I cry till now. 

I do not know why.
Maybe because she is my first friend ever. 
Maybe because its my thing of being the first sister, I have those unseen bond with all my siblings.
Maybe because it's near that time of the month.
And maybe, just maybe.. I am too fragile for goodbyes.

Dear Sister, if you are reading this.. I have a few things that was left unspoken just now.

I'm sorry we did not really have a proper goodbye. My tears practically ruin it all. I meant to write u a letter so you could read in the plane bt I could not bring myself to do so till now. I love you, u know. Even if I can't say it out loud by yeah, love you till forever and beyond. Till a thousand times in a thousand lives.

 Whatever, anyway.. good luck. Good luck in you life there. I know you're capable of doing so. Our meeting maybe two years, four years from now. And you might miss alot of event in my life.. graduation, continuing of studies, birthdays, wedding maybe.. But it is fine. I mean, in reality.. Happily ever after only applies to weaklings. 

That bag I gave you. It meant alot actually. Not just for the sake of giving you a present. It kind of a token for you to remember me. I have not been apart from that bag for 5, 6 years.. So, I hope you get my feelings there. Haha. 

Well, that is all. Good luck, once again. Study hard. Until we meet again <3


Saturday, September 8, 2012

That girl...


Its almost 2:30am in the morning and tomorrow we have to wake up early and head up to Nilai for a one day stay yet I'm still here, being ignorant of my countless yawning. I actually just finished watching 'Snow White and the Huntsman' and love it! Even when Kristen Stewart was kind of emotionless. Haha.

Anyway, here is my Midnight Poem that I meant to write decades ago but I always forget..

That girl I saw, her eyes set straight looking in the world unseen..
That girl I saw, had her head held high yet her heart was trembling with fear..
That girl I saw, stand her ground with little experience yet a lot of courage..

That girl, her mouth is silence as a moon yet her heart is louder then thunder..
That girl, her eyes betrayed the secret of her past at times,
That girl, her feet is small yet the steps she takes in life is big..

That girl I know hiding behind that emotionless mask of hers..
That girl I know to have been lied, betrayed and left by the person her heart she once gave..
That girl I know was once a lovable and charming princess her parents knew, 
now a cold and insecure ice maiden the world know..

That girl in secret would let her guard down and fall down her knees in defeat..
That girl in secret would let that tears she held in, out..
That girl in secret would look out at the starless night and wishing for a saviour..

That girl you see, will be the one at the back of the room in a crowded place,
That girl you see, will be the one to escape reality constantly with books..
That girl you see, will be the one that turns to pages of empty diary rather than people..

That girl is a damsel and the only saviour is herself,
That girl is a guardian and the only thing that she need to guard is her heart,
That girl is an actress and the only time she stop acting is when she is alone..

And for all the world cares, that girl likes to remain in the heart rather than the memory..
And for all I could tell, that girl stays on the other side of the mirror..
mocking me with her ever presence. 


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Salam AidilFitr everyone~

You know, recently I have been annoyed with people talking about wanting to marry.. can't wait to meet their future spouse or whateve in their FB status. I don't know why. I feel like, especially students.. we have to focus on what is really important infront of us like our studies but nevertheless, I used to talk likewise too. Ahakz.

Anyway, previous days before, I have to fill in this form for a sort of matchmaking thing and I'm kind of not into it. I mean, I'm not against matchmaking or anything but I don't really like it. I have this thought that if you are about to spent your whole lifetime with someone, it should be someone your heart wills.

In an episode of How I met you mother, Ted sign up for this match making thing and they try to find a suitable person for him. Just think about it, why should you marry a person who similiars you but alas, everyone has their own interest and thoughts.

But my friend did say that this maybe just one of a way on how you'll be connected to that person that was made for you and I have to agree. Maybe, just maybe because I'm too ego to admit it. Haha.

If I can choose how to write that story on how I'll be meeting my soulmate, It would be:

An accident. I don't mean the car accident, an accident like its unplanned. An unplanned moment where we met and got into a fight or something but end up falling head over heal and end up getting married. Okay, even when I read it back it totally sound overly dramatic. 

Or maybe that I've known him for quite a long time but we never did have any interaction or connection so we can talked back and laugh about it. Saying that we didn't see that one coming. 

But whatever it is, I'll leave it to Allah to decide my future. I just hope I won't marry a person I don't know or my heart did not will or a matchmaking gone wrong kind of thing.

 Because if I were to spent my whole life with someone, I want that person to know me. Really know me because my appearance is far, really far from the real me. I don't want to be accuse of deceiving him. I want him to marry me to figure out my imperfection and came to love me because of my flaws, mistakes, past and those kind of thing. 

And I don't want to marry a perfect person. 

I don't want him to have few mistakes, all perfect past, looked up by people, seldom have an imperfection in his life. No. I want him to have a past and tell me his past. I want him to not regret it and I want him to know that he does not have to be perfect. 

He does not have to be an Ustaz to impress me because I'm not impress by that. I don't want to marry an Ustaz and feel totally insecure by my lack of religion knowledge and by my tainted past and my awful way of life. I want a person to guide me and accept me. Past, present, future and love me. Love me dearly and wholeheartedly.

=) Anyway, last night I had a dream and its weird. Firstly its about my dad saying that my mom has been searching for a husband for me and that's clearly wrong because my mom has made it clear that she wants me to get married after I finished my DEGREE. So I have a long way to go. And that his name is Lukman but my dad said that he's gay which make it much, much more wrong. In a sick kind of way. Haha. 

I assume its just one of Shaitan's playmind thing. So I could not care less.

Well, thats it for this entry. Lalala. I have a hard time keeping tabs on writing.