I wanted to write those trevelogs about my journey last 2 weeks but the mood of it just doesn't seem to come. Oh, well, guess I just have to wait till I get my moods in here *pointing to my dear heart*
Right now, suddenly I have the feelings to write something else..
I have my reason for every single thing that I do and some of those reason may sound illogical but, yeah.. It seems logic enough for me. So, there are reasons why I want to be someone better in life and there is a reason why sometimes I want everything to be 'perfect'.
The reason why each day I struggle to be a better women and to be someone worth the mere existence is of course, because of Allah swt and Rasulullah saw. But there are 2 other individuals that I'm striving my every bit for.
They are my parents.
I wanted to be someone that my parents are proud of, someone that they know are worth their every hardship. Someone that they can smile when they say, 'That's my daughter'. I want to be the one who can pray for their future and their life. Their hope, and dream.
I used to be an ungrateful child when I was young. I mean, I am still young but when I was much younger.. During, urm, my early adolescence years.. That 'rebellious' year.. You get what I mean. I never know how hard they work for us to have a better life. All I know is if I did not get what I want, it's their fault. I know right! If I can walk back to my past self I would have slap her real hard. Its a good thing I can't.
But as years I grew older and well, wiser.. Ahaha. Well, atleast had that 'eye opener' moment that I realized I love my parents too much and I can see their hard work, their pain of raising up 6 children, their hope that they put when the raise us up.. I mean raising kids are like practically gambling. It's just luck how they turn up to be. That fear of an unexpected outcome.
|I love this pic of Ummi. Even made it as a wallpaper!|
Even though I don't really know how it really feel but I can see it. If one day, I were to have children, I want them to be someone I can be proud of and are the pride of Islam. I want them to have at the very least the basic of Islam like how my parents gave me. Of course, there is that fear if it end up a twist but I will forever pray to Allah that they will turn up as Allah's liking.
Just as I hope how I will turn up to be. I have a lot of time disappoint them but yet, they never ever once bring it up. Like when I failed my O-levels and waste all their thousands of money for it, like how once I wrongly choose friends, but they still have the strength to bring me up.
|Cehh, nak jugak Abi posing..|
So Ummi and Abi if you are reading this, I thank you and I'm so sorry for the hardship I put you guys through. I know, I'm such an ignorant and selfish and hard-headed at times. But I promise you, I will try my very best to be that pride or yours and of course, the one that when Allah asked you will not have the hard time to answer. I'll take care of you forever and always and I will forever put you first, even when I got married later on. Haha.. no, that I can't but I will put you first before myself, forever and always.
And dear Allah, I pray for my parents Jannah and that you repay every single goods that they have given me that I, myself can't seem to repay. I pray that they will have a good life now, and the hereafter. And that we'll be together, forever and always.