Everyone has that one moment where they stumble upon ‘the Light’. Bertemu cahaya Hidayah.. or something like that. Well, this is mine.
Most people think that hijrah is a 360 degree period with a one way ticket. No en route. But the reality is, hijrah has a lot of en route. We fall, we climb back up and fall again and again and again. We went back to who we are again and turn back forward and when back again.
Some people may gain the 360 change kind of thing but most of us don’t, for instance, me.
Some people think that I have been who I am right now since forever because I am from an Islamic school and that my father is an Ustaz. But even my father has that hijrah moment and trust me, that is a 360 kind of thing.
My changing point is actually from a book. And it was during my post-SPM period. The book below, Salju Sakinah is actually the first ever Islamic novel that I read and one of those rare moment where I read Malay novel.
I do not know how, but it was an eye opener.
Before, I may be from an Islamic school but to me, all of those is just purely theory. I have this understanding that Islam is only when I perform Solat, and fast and all those Ibadah that symbolize religion. But when I read this novel, I learn that Islam is actually something more.
I was too westernize. Yup, I admit it. My life was purely entertainment based. Music was basically that part of my life that I cannot live without. Western artist was my role model. My guideline had always been magazines and western novels. Growing up in Singapore, you are too free! Free to do whatever you want, wherever you go.
But more to that, I was lost.
I keep on searching the reason for my existence and always found the wrong reason. I have different belief then, and well, seriously am lost. Even my aqidah was on the line then.
I guess that is the downside of being in an Islamic school, you have the knowledge but you do not know when to apply it.
The ironic part it, I gain Islam when I had finished schooling.
But that is just one side of it, I change but instead of applying it to my life, I change the way of my life and focus ONLY on the Ibadah side. I guess it was too overwhelming that I had a breakdown. Haha. And what I get is that I lost weight A LOT!
Do you know I used to be 50kg plus plus? But now can barely exceed 47 kg.
Okay, salingan je tu..
That is my first Hijrah. I relearn about Islam. I even reread and rememorize the Solat reading back. But I guess Allah pull me from that first Hijrah so I can enter the second Hijrah.
When I entered KUIS, well, I guess there is where I learn about Islam being everything. Syumul. My first time entering Usrah and go to Islamic program and well, I meet the nicest people and became part of the nicest community ever. I learn about Palestine, Syria.. I learn about politics in islam.. My mind is exposed to things that I never knew before.
I learn Islam back from basic to attain new knowledge.
My hijrah was not from not knowing to knowing, my hijrah is from being ignorant to actually being aware.
But even so, my past is still there lingers around me, mocking me. When a thing has been a part of you for so long, you can’t possibly abandon it just like that. I fell into the darkness over and over again and at one point, I even question myself.
Is this it? Am I meant to go through this Hijrah? How come I could not stick with it just like everyone? I just want to stop trying at that moment. I’m tired of going back and forth. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. I’m tired of being a hypocrite, as I thought. I just want to be who I am.
But then it struck me.
Who I am? Not being a hypocrite? Is trying to be someone better a hypocrite? Is it like trying to be another person? Be who I am? Who am I?
Is my true self that westernized girl who thinks nothing of Islam? IS THAT WHO I AM?
Do I want to die being that person?
I guess finally all of those hijrah, that moment of changes hit me.
I did change. That was what matters. I did found Islam, I did learn a lot. I did make an improvement. Heck, I went through a lot!
It does not matter if we keep on turning back, if we keep on visiting our past. What matters is that we did not stay there. That we return back to being better and better and better. Not everyone has that 360 degree hijrah.
"And being who you are if it is not Islam based is crap. It is just syaitan’s way of making you feel comfortable with your sins."
Who you are should be the humble servant Allah please with. Nothing more, nothing less.
Yup, I am still learning. I have 1001 more stuff that I was yet to learn and to do. I’m still a newbie and I may not be right most of the time. I change slowly and am still making sins.
To those who went through the Hijrah period and feel like going back to their Jahiliyyah period, well, don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever give up on the Hidayah that Allah gives you.
Don’t make excuses that you can’t or what other crap.
You can. You definitely can.
Let us all change and move towards Him.