+Parents; they are your everything to be better+

.:Assalamualaikum:.

I wanted to write those trevelogs about my journey last 2 weeks but the mood of it just doesn't seem to come. Oh, well, guess I just have to wait till I get my moods in here *pointing to my dear heart*

Right now, suddenly I have the feelings to write something else..

I have my reason for every single thing that I do and some of those reason may sound illogical but, yeah.. It seems logic enough for me. So, there are reasons why I want to be someone better in life and there is a reason why sometimes I want everything to be 'perfect'.

The reason why each day I struggle to be a better women and to be someone worth the mere existence is of course, because of Allah swt and Rasulullah saw. But there are 2 other individuals that I'm striving my every bit for.

They are my parents.

I wanted to be someone that my parents are proud of, someone that they know are worth their every hardship. Someone that they can smile when they say, 'That's my daughter'. I want to be the one who can pray for their future and their life. Their hope, and dream. 

I used to be an ungrateful child when I was young. I mean, I am still young but when I was much younger.. During, urm, my early adolescence years.. That 'rebellious' year.. You get what I mean. I never know how hard they work for us to have a better life. All I know is if I did not get what I want, it's their fault. I know right! If I can walk back to my past self I would have slap her real hard. Its a good thing I can't.

But as years I grew older and well, wiser.. Ahaha. Well, atleast had that 'eye opener' moment that I realized I love my parents too much and I can see their hard work, their pain of raising up 6 children, their hope that they put when the raise us up.. I mean raising kids are like practically gambling. It's just luck how they turn up to be. That fear of an unexpected outcome.

I love this pic of Ummi. Even made it as a wallpaper!

Even though I don't really know how it really feel but I can see it. If one day, I were to have children, I want them to be someone I can be proud of and are the pride of Islam. I want them to have at the very least the basic of Islam like how my parents gave me. Of course, there is that fear if it end up a twist but I will forever pray to Allah that they will turn up as Allah's liking. 

Just as I hope how I will turn up to be. I have a lot of time disappoint them but yet, they never ever once bring it up. Like when I failed my O-levels and waste all their thousands of money for it, like how once I wrongly choose friends, but they still have the strength to bring me up. 

Cehh, nak jugak Abi posing..

So Ummi and Abi if you are reading this, I thank you and I'm so sorry for the hardship I put you guys through. I know, I'm such an ignorant and selfish and hard-headed at times. But I promise you, I will try my very best to be that pride or yours and of course, the one that when Allah asked you will not have the hard time to answer. I'll take care of you forever and always and I will forever put you first, even when I got married later on. Haha.. no, that I can't but I will put you first before myself, forever and always. 

And dear Allah, I pray for my parents Jannah and that you repay every single goods that they have given me that I, myself can't seem to repay. I pray that they will have a good life now, and the hereafter. And that we'll be together, forever and always.

-MJxx

Special Entry; Happy Birthday, Raja!

Assalamualaikum, Dear..

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

"Everyday is a day closer to death,
But all to well, we need to live too.."

So Raja? How is being 20 so far? 
Haha.. I da nak 21 soon tauu.. U bru je 20.. 

I don't think there is any different pun of age.. 16, 18, 20.. 
They are all the same apart from different education stream.

Anyway, I nak bagi u advice pun.. I tak tau ape.. Cuz you're the one yg slalu bgi I advice..
So, thanks alot! And Congrats!
Haha, congrats for having the highest pointer. 

And for the 'thanks'..
I want to thank you for being a friend that change my life for some reason =)
I am the kind of person who gets paranoid easily but you always manage to shake some sense into me..
Of course, no one is strong enough alone.
And you always manage to be that one reason that I know, I can be strong.

Thanks for being someone who understands me..
We fought but we always manage to make up.
Thanks for wanting to be my friend..
You know what? When I first saw you during Orientation Week.. The way I saw you, you're that type of person with this outgoing personality and I am not good with outgoing type of people because well, I'm not one. 
So, I am kind of surprise that we manage to be friends =D

And I felt lucky..
Lucky because I found someone that help me recover my relationship with Allah.
Friends till Jannah, hopefully.

Thanks again for helping me in my studies,
Helping me to be strong,
Helping me in being a slave to Allah,
Helping me to be enthusiastic again,
Helping me in seeing life as widely as possible. 
To see that chances is everywhere, everytime I failed.

It is fate that we met,
It is fate that we became friends,
And it is Allah that pulls those strings together.
So I thank Him, for your existence.

Once again, Happy Birthday, Raja!
The only advice that I have for you, is to not go on, slacking around next semester! Haha.. Strive hard, kay? So you'll manage to get a 4flat pointer. 

I pray that you'll be a good daughter, wife and mother, InsyaAllah.
That you'll live your dream and well, so we can meet again in Jannah, InsyaAllah!   

Just so you know, we may not be entirely alike but that doesn't mean we can't get along.
So, thank you Raja! Thanks for being that person Allah send to me to remind me of Him.

Oh, and before I forgot..

SELAMAT DTG KE KELAB 20 TAHUN!

-MJxx

+Begin Again+

Hey, Assalamualaikum..

Okay, so I have this writer's block for like a week or so that I can't even start writing my blog so now, after this morning, I'm ready to start again! Haha. 

You might ask, "Why? What happened that morning?" Well, the thing is.. Have you ever had that random thought that suddenly popped in your mind the moment you open your eyes, or maybe not even open your eyes but when the moment your brain start working, popped random saying, quotes or maybe even songs.. 

Like what I got this morning.

I woke up for sahur and randomly the song Begin Again by Taylor Swift was playing and that for some reason the voice in my head said, "Well, we said that we wanted to give up on things sometimes and maybe did when things are not working out but eventually we 'begin again'"

I know! Most of the time, it is my random head-voice in the morning that gave me courage to pursue the day. Haha. So maybe I should tell a bit about this song for you to have like a background knowledge.. 

Well, hmm.. It is basically a song about a girl going through a break up and thought that she would never fall in love again but eventually, "But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again" As per the chorus said. I know, cliché.. but its Taylor Swift. She makes cliché sounds interesting. 

I know, I love her dress too^^,

Anyway, back to the discussion.. Well, its not really a discussion because I'm the only one with the ideas here.. Okay, whatever. So, you can view this song as a post-mortem of a break up, but I view it as something more than that.. 

It can be that small courage to stand back up after a fall, 
to continue smiling after a heartbreak, 
to start working again after losing all the data(yes, I'm referring to virus)..    

I mean, all of us went through hard times and not all of us can recover fast.. Some of us lie down that cold hard ground longer than the others and some of us climb back up the moment he falls.. We could not compare our fast recovery to those who took longer.. Maybe our situation is less severe.. 

So, just a piece of advise.. Do not ever give up. Know that one day, you will recover.. Will begin again this journey..  

If you feel that you are not able to love anyone anymore, know that one day that prince will come riding that white horse and you'll learn to love again. 
If you lost a competition and thinking that no way you will be able to compete again, one day that courage will come to you back. 
If you think that life is over for you, trust me, one day.. You will wake up and smile and feel the strength to begin again.

Anyway.. I always wanted to share this photo because I think it looks beautiful somehow. This was taken during the DELS Raya Celebration. There, wearing blue in the middle is my lovely mentor, Mdm Aishah.. She's really beautiful and I just love the way she speaks. Besides her on the right is my first favourite lecturer who taught me Linguistic 1, Mdm Aliya. 

On her left is, well, something embarrassing happen.. When giving out the invitation for the lecturers, I though she was Ms Mahanum and so I gave it to her with full confidence and she when she said, 'That's not me'. I was like, is she joking with us? And she continue, saying.. 'I'm Mdm Hafida' I was like, 'Sorry, I totally spaced out' and add some lame excuse.. It was mega embarrassing! I hope she did not remember it is me. 

Oh, and the far-left is my classmate, Anisah yg suke sibukk bile amek gambar. Haha. But somehow she looks like a cute lecturer here. Haha. 

-Mjxx

How I met your.. father? Ahaha..

Assalamualaikum^^,

Its been awhile since I write, right? I'm not on hiatus or writer's block or something but rather.. I don't have the privilege of using my broadband for now, harsh! But its fine since its exam week and I need to finish up some stuff..

Anyway, last night I had the most.. how should I put it.. realistic? awkward? dream of all. 

Well, in that dream, it was as if it is 5 or 7 years from now because I was carrying a baby and have my husband besides me. We were walking and talking at the same time and suddenly I asked, "Remember how we met?" (I guess this part must have something to do with me watching How I met your Mother till 2am in the morning.) And he was laughing and saying of course. And I don't know how, that dream brought me to a flashback years before.

I was in an exam hall but I'm not sure which college exam hall so it is not specifically KUIS. And when I was so nervous, there's this guy sat beside me and he had the most annoying exam-attitude ever that ticks me off, even when I was being super-ly nervous. 

He was moving his feet from side to side and hands playing with a pen and have that cool, not caring attitude about the exam that was about to start. And it annoys me because the sound of him playing the pen and moving his feet is disturbing my concentration so I gave him a side glare. He notices it and smile at me with that boyish smile and THAT is the only thing I remember about him. 

Strange, because I'm good at recalling my dream but everytime I dream about this guy, I forget his face. Yes, I dream about him before and the reason why I know it is the same guy is because of that smile. 

So back to that dream, the entire time of the exams he annoys me and when it is done and I went out to a cafeteria which is not somewhere familiar to KUIS, he sat beside me. I mean not directly beside me, but a table near me. And he was like, "oh, you're that girl." 

He still annoys me because I can't eat with guys present, not because of me wearing the niqab, but, well, I have that uncomfortable feeling eating when guys are present. So I waited for him to look away or atleast not be there but he ends up looking at me with an innocent/fascinating eyes. So I asked him, is there something wrong? but he shook his head. When I finish eating, unbearably beside him.. he start to clear his things and before he left, he said that I fascinates him, somehow.

And that was it.

Haha. It is weird though because it feels so realistic, so real. Even when the dream itself is unrealistic. I'm not sure about the first meeting, but the way that I was holding a baby and he was beside me laughing and smiling .. that part was the happiest part I could be feeling in a dream. And when I woke up, I feel like something just brought me back here, in this present time. 

It was like a glimpse of the future.  

Dreaming you

^Assalamualaikum^

Hey you..
You know what? I dreamed about you last night..
It was a surprised for me because as far as I became aware of it, I never had a dream with you in it.
It was weird because you are one of the people in my life that gave me a reason to dream.

You know, in that dream we were fighting as per usual but this was about something that I wrote.
You were saying how wrong I am and I was defending myself, obviously.
Then we stood there quietly, not wanting to look at each other.

And you took my hands. 
Caressed it at first but then you crossed your fingers with mine. 
And you weren't even looking, made me laughed with that egoistic attitude of yours.
But I'm glad. 

This shows how much our friendship matters to you.
This shows that you have your own way of saying sorry.
This shows that maybe, just maybe.. that dream is a sign of something.

It feels real, ya know?
That warmth. That softness. That feeling.
I want us to be friends. 
I want us to laugh at that silliness play and share stories again.
And I want us to argue, if that is a price to pay.

==END==

It was just a dream.
I like transferring images to words.
But really, that touch do feel different somehow.

I am still doing editing and listening to some songs. I know! I have to stop doing Lagha stuff at times but I can't stop it. Its been in me since forever. Music flowing in my blood. Those lyrics are my inspiration to write. My kakak naqibah said that maybe, this is the reason why I keep forgetting stuff. Huu~

Btw, I somehow missing Usrah time. I like Usrah, surprisingly. Haha. The last time we had a meeting was almost a month ago. I think. 

Arg, anyway.. I need to stop listening to songs for awhile because I need to memorize some surah + translation for my Islamic Literature. Memorizing somehow reminds me of my school days. Haha. 

How I dread to go to school because I havent memorize my Quran.
That I have to stayback at times because I did not memorize. 
That even, when I got detention, I have to memorize 3 or 4 ayat that took longer than it should. 
I miss it at times =) That at times, when in an Usrah session or something that we have to memorize hadith or some ayat, that I got giddy up. Hee~ 

When I have a child later on, I'll train him/her like how my mommy and daddy used to train me, except that I went wrong somewhere along that path that I lose it. I'll try. After all, the Quran is going to be the only friend for us later on, in our grave. 

-MJxx

It WAS my life..

.:Assalamualaikum:.

I have this thing inside of me that somehow when I read someone writing or poems or whatev that is so good, atleast in my own opinion, that it feels like falling in love. The world stop for a second and took my breath away and the more I read, the more I feel as though my head was up in the air, somewhere that at times, tears could trickled down my cheek.

I guess that is just me.

I can be a bit sentimental to stuff like that. And delusional. Whatever.

Anyway, a few days ago someone asked me about my love life and it was surprising for me. Its been awhile since someone dare to ask me that question because no one would really want to venture in my past life and that was when I realized.. Its been 2 years. 

2 years since "Forever and Always", 
2 years since fighting late at night, 
2 years since checking my fb and phone msg countless times,
2 years since smiling for no reason and crying about nothing...

Its been awhile and I did not realize it. How time has past and how I have change since then. It is not that I did not feel lonely at times and wishes that I have someone to talk to, someone that I can let things out, someone that can be that secret strength of mine.. but I know I'm no place to do so. 

I'm not that giddy high-school girl anymore. I have things that matters to me more right now. I can't afford to fall in love, to even look for one. I don't have that liberty and capability anymore. And I'm glad.

Because falling in love is such a waste of time.

My friend used to call me 'Ice Maiden' because she said that whenever I look at guys, its like they are not worthy of me, that I put up such a high wall because I do not want to let them in. That I walked around leaving frozen footprint behind. 

==ANYWAY==

I was actually being frustrated with Window Live MM because I've been editing the video of our Lit drama for hours and yet, yet.. it got stuck! Tralala.. I'm being patient here. Pfft~

Since it was way over midnight, I love losing myself to words. Letting whatever my heart desire takes place here. This is what I meant by 'Midnight Muse'.

-MJxx

A niqab entry: Some issues...

Assalamualaikum =>

Before I start, I would like to apologize to people who were offended by me. Really, I'm sorry so accept my sorry cuz I'm nt gd at giving it out.

Well, this is obviously an entry regarding the niqab and yes, I know that some people have that 'dislike' perception towards me about it. They may not confront me but end up talking about it behind my back which I find rather cowardly. I mean, if I did something wrong, tell me. I'm not the type to feel offended easily. 

So, the thing is.. people have their own reason and perspective in wearing it.. My friend once asked me, "Asal kau pakai nie? Ape pantang larang pakai ni? Aq tak paham lahh"

And my brother once said "kak, ape use akak pakai.. tepi nie nmpak ckit" .

The thing is, I already stated why I wear it and I did not 'mewajibkan' myself wearing it. Some get offended when they ask: "Sampai bile nak pakai nie?" and I answered, "Sampai kahwin nnti, InsyaAllah." And they r lyk.. asal smpai kahwin je. 

I get it, I'm nt all that good, all that saint so I might get married to someone who does not like me wearing it and well, I just have to listen to him. He is my husband, for heaven sake. But I pray that I'll get someone who will be my strength to continue wearing it. 

I admit that I took it off when eating because its really, really hard to eat and wear it at the same time.. Don't ask me if I've tried it cuz I have. Alot of time and I ends up getting all messy. But I usually situated myself where people won't walk infront so if they happened to walk infront then, what to do, I tried. 

And there's people who did not like me wearing it like my grandma.. She used to chase away my mom from home because my mom wore it and not until she took it off, then my grandma welcome her back. So whenever she is around I would not wear it. I do not want to offend her and she's already old and have some health problem so sometimes, I value making her not mad more. 

After all, its not like I'm with her 24/7.. I seldom meet her so when I do, I sacrifice a bit. It is painful though, to not wear it. It feels trapped somehow. 

So before you start to point finger at me and say those things, please listen to my side of the story. 

Yes, I'm not that pious..
I'm not an Islamic Course student..
I am an ustaz daughter but at times, I do not act like one..
I have my tainted past and never a day pass that I do not feel guilty about it..
I admit, I'm not one to say whether something is right or wrong..

Because when I wear the niqab, people are really surprise that some are speechless. The reaction in their face. But please give me a chance to improve myself.. When I'm wrong, do tell. Tell me what I did wrong because I might not know what I did wrong. I might forget it, remind me. 

So if I might have to take it off one day if the situation begs me to, so don't go all blaming and stuff but I sure hope I won't. I sure hope that I can wear it till forever ends and even beyond that. Just so you know, I love my niqab, I love wearing it. 

Call me whatever things u want; nt sincere, wanting fame, desperate for attention, acting pious or whatever I don't care.. Because what I'm doing is between me and Allah. Allah knows my intention and He knows me best so if you want to start hating me or questioning me, do so. Just so u know, if you havent heard my part of the story.. dun judge.

Everyone have their own perspective.. mine not be 100% right either. And I love my niqab, I love wearing it so don't think I don't. There are things that I value more sometimes. And I might want to one day bring up the name of niqab and do things that they think a Niqabist cant do. 

-MJxx