Day 12 #RamadanTazkirah: Escape.

Escape.

One word, many thoughts. 

Everyone, well, not everyone but most of us thought about escaping once or twice or a lot of time. Maybe escape from our problems, our past or maybe, just ourselves. 

I talk with a friend of mine and we kind of get the similar idea that when we want to escape, we'll go far away. Some place where no one know us, a foreign place. Of course, we thought of going overseas. That, is kind of the best escape route ever. 

One time I swore to myself if someone hurt me, or that I could not stand living with the pain of yesterday, I want to go some place far and disappear. Just simply disappear. Live life as another person. And I did came close to it when I got the offer to go to University of Glasgow in Scotland. So near yet so far away. 

But that's me. 

Whenever I tried to escape, Allah will pull me back again and again to the starting point. I will keep on coming back and face my past. Not physically but mentally. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming that I question myself why do I have to face this?

I could not stand being trapped. I'm like, literally claustrophobic [I mean it, I hate enclose spaces -_-]. I tried to push the door open again and again but it got stuck. But I was wrong, I thought that is the only door and that is the only solution but I was wrong. 

Escape, does not necessarily meant that you have to go far away where no one knows you so you can start new. No. That is not the only way out of your problem. Yes, some of us could not handle the past and that is the only route out but some of us, who thinks that they are still trap.. that they can't escape, you know, you have another route, another way. 

When I had a heart to heart talk with a close friend of mine and told her that I was disappointed that I did not get to escape overseas, she said, "Maybe UIA is your escape."

That is like a hard knock on the head. I never thought of another route. Especially not the route that I am walking in. When she said that, it got me thinking for quite a long time. And I realized that all the route that I walked down before this, I was did not just manage to escape but I manage to confront it. I manage to confront the things I want to escape from.

And I did find other ways to escape without having to 'go far away' in a physical sense but I guess I found my new escapes in a form of writing stories, playing with kids, doing programs and volunteering and such. Alhamdulillah. 

I guess in a way, different people have different way of escaping and facing their difficulties and past. Of course, I still do want to go far away but I guess until Allah ask me so, I will do what I am capable of doing now. I will stand strong and face my fears, my disappointment, my dark, my broken self and my pain here. 

So to whoever out there, if your are still searching for a way out, pray to Him. He will provide you the best solution. He will be the hand that helps you, the hand that guides you, the hand that answer all your doubts and fears. 

Be strong. Dear you, be strong. =)  

#prayforGaza 

Day 11 #RamadhanTazkirah: Why support?

This will be a very short post, I supposed.

So, support. Well, people support a lot of things. Some support football clubs, some support cause, support celebrities or belief. Varieties of support being sent out every day. How we support, what we support, that kind of things too define who we are.

Like today, most of us Muslims support Gaza. We keep on posting and share stuff and write status regarding our support. Well, the niat or intention, of course, we can't see but I say, alhamdulillah. We are creating awareness.

But what saddens me I guess is sometimes we do not know why we support. I can said this to myself from time to time because I support a lot of things and then it came down to me personally asking myself, what is is that I'm supporting or why am I supporting this?

I know, some might say... "Why, of course, it is for a good cause, because we are Islam, because we are this and that.." But that is not enough. Well, I don't see that reason as enough because I don't know, it is not concrete and wayyyyy bias?

Then I guess I kind of figure out that sometimes people support something for their own benefit. Maybe not regarding the Gaza, Syria, Mesir war but about something else like why do you support this politic leader and why do you support that football club. I don't know why I keep on repeating football club -.-' I don't even watch football.

Okay, lets look at a different angle. Some of my friends are starting their own business and I can't help it that whenever they promote something, I would buy it if I have the money. At one time I did ask myself, why did I buy it? Is it because its too tempting or because of the price? But no. It wasn't because of that.

Then I found the answer, if I were to open up my own business or write a book or do something, of course I need support right? Even though I know I suck at it but I need a kind hand to say 'Keep going' I'll be supporting you. And I guess, my heart realized this before my mind. I support them because I know they need it. I guess in a way, I am just the in between person between them and Allah swt.

Alhamdulillah, I guess Allah return the favour. Today, I too receive countless supports even from the people I do not know. So thank you.

[Macam lari topic je -.-']

Conclusion: Be supportive and support those who need it and be aware of what you are supporting. Don't blind-support stuff. =D

Day 10 #RamadanTazkirah: Time to wake up!

Days and days after scrolling down Facebook timeline, Instagram and such, I realized one thing.

There are a lot of heart breaking news than good news. 

I think I've realized this months before and I just couldn't put it into worlds of how scared and mad I am to what is happening. Is humanity slowly declining? The world is coming to it's end, right? All I managed to do is talk to a few friends of mine about what is happening today and we would share some sympathy words and that is that. 

I feel ashamed of myself because I did nothing to help them. Palestine today is at it's mid-climax war between them and the damned Israelis. I don't know what is going on there, of course, because I am not there. Yes, I did read about their well-being but no matter, we would never truly know what they are going through. 

This is a token given to me from Palestine.

I read a bunch of real life war novels in Afghanistan, Iraq, Palestine and such but that is the closest I can get to know what they are going through. And even just that, I could not imagine how strong they are to endure it for years and years and more years to come. 

My father has a friend, a Palestinian friend, Tamer and he used to tell us about how the Palestine became the Illegal country of Israel which, I personally do not recognized as such. Israel is the real terrorist. Anyway, when he told us that, I could somehow see the big picture. I think I wrote a post on that somewhere in this blog. I'll try to attach it later.

 Today, right now, it has gotten much, much more complicated when the Western country, the so-called 'justice' countries interferes. I mean, how could you not see what is going on?! I mean, even if you can see it, how could you not feel anything?!

Children are dying... And yet you can close one eye and give your pity to the one who killed them? Really? Gosh, this must be some kind of a joke world I am living. 

Right now, I envy those with power. I don't mean artificial super power, I mean the one who has the power to stop this. Country leaders. To lend a hand, to defend the honour of other Muslim countries too. Instead of defending your own honour and dignity.  

While I am incapable to stop this killing, this massacres, this war... I will keep on sending out my prayer and I hope everyone will too. Non-stop. And try to boycott their stuffs too. At least we are doing something, right?

But even so,

I envy you. Yes, I envy all of you.

Because you get to claim that Syahid title easily.

Dying for Allah. Die because of Allah. 

How free your soul must have been. 

To face the Almighty, proud by being the Protector of His Deen.

I don't pity you, but I pity myself. 

To not even have the courage to lift my pen and defend Him,

Yet you lift your guns, your weapon,

Fearless.. In front of the enemy. 

Your soul Brothers,

Your soul Sisters,

Are very much loved by Him. 

Keep on praying. Keep on praying for them. I know, I am barely doing anything besides uploading this post. I am yet an activist to travel far and be with them, am yet an activist to walk down the road shouting and chanting to defend them. Yes, I feel hopeless. Yes, you can say that to me over and over again. All I manage to do is share some post, write a few lines. 

I feel hopeless. But I won't give up. I'll try. At least. 

[To whoever you are who keep on judging people, please restrain so. You do not know what is in their heart, what is in their mind. Who are you to say that they are not doing anything. To not be aware. I know a bunch of people who did not join the activist program, did not share status of their suffering but deep down they are secretly praying for them, secretly donating money for them, secretly persuading others, secretly boycotting.]

InsyaAllah, let us all do a part, even though it is small, to at the very least help them who are defending us. 

Day 9 #RamadanTazkirah: How to love the things you hate II

I just realized that I miss out on one very important question regarding this topic.

"Why love the thing you hate?"

Well, the thing is with us human is that we vary with ideas and opinions. Some might like this while others hate it and vice versa. So the definition of what are the things to hate and love varies too. Most of us tend to incline towards the things that we love more, obviously.

But what about the things we hate?

I read in an article that doing things that you love is easy, the real challenge is doing the things you hate. And I was like, wow, right. I never thought of it that way before. Usually I will avoid doing things I hate like ironing and waiting. Yes, I hate ironing clothes. Too much of a hassle.

And another reason for doing things that you hate is because the things that you hate is good for you. Like for example, sports. I hate sports, no doubt. I am more of an indoor person. But of course, sports is good for me and at times I force myself to enter sports competition.

My friend forced me to enter a running competition once. We had to run around IIUM and it's like 7km. I for one thing hate running. Yes, H-A-T-E. Not a strong dislike but hate. Haha. Because I always came in last and I will get tired half way. But when she asked me to join, I accept because I thought, "hey, who knows, maybe this is the starting point of me liking running, huh?"

And I came in 5th. 5th last out of around 200 participants. Haha. I end up walking all the way but what surprised me is that I did it. I walked/run 7km and I did came to the finishing line without giving up. That is an improvement.

Though I still hate it, but at least a small part of me would be thinking of joining again. At least I have the experience of doing it instead of shutting it out totally.

Another example is to cover your aurah. I know that Islam is not a religion of force. So we can't force others to cover their aurah properly. But at the very least, force yourself to cover your aurah properly. Alhamdulillah, I have been brought up in a hijab-wearing family but being quite a liberate person, my choice of clothes is a bit disappointing. I used to drown myself with the latest fashion regardless if it's really syariah compliance or not.

But when I woke up from that lifestyle, I forced myself to wear a better garment. It was hard, never said it was easy. I have to like throw away my dresses and jeans and short scarves. Well, I didn't exactly throw, just that I put it elsewhere and wallahi, when I look at them I would smile sadly and brace myself to be a better me.

I used to hate skirts, but now I love it. I hate kurung and well, I still won't wear it but I don't really hate it anymore. And quite surprisingly, wearing the Niqab helps a lot. Because when you wear a niqab, obviously you will observe other parts of your attire to make sure it will not look 'out of place'.

So, here I am, loving my loose jubah more and more each day. Simply comfortable and I don't even need the preference of the latest fashion to be my guideline.

Girls and guys out there, if you know the thing is good for you but you kind of hate doing it like waking in the morning or wear better clothes or listen to Islamic Scholars talk and such, try to force yourself because if it is good for you by nature then you will, insyaAllah, love it.

Just try. InsyaAllah.

Day 8 #RamadhanTazkirah: How to love the things you hate.

Sometimes in life you come across the things you hate first before you meet the things you love.
You meet a person whom you hate before you meet the person you love. 
You have to face what you hate to love what you love. 

That's life. No one said anything about it being easy and uncomplicated. 

But coming in terms of what you hate does not gives you any reason to run away, to escape it. 

One thing that I learn about this life is to never, ever run away from it. Of course, I've tried but it keeps on coming back but than I found the courage to face it. Face all those muds and dirts. 

I used to hate early marriage, or marriage altogether. I know, I know, it's wrong but I was in that rebellious stage and well, I have a bad terms with guys at such an early age so I mainly disagree with marriage. Once I even asked my dad if it's okay not to get married at all. 

He said it's okay BUT you wouldn't get any rewards for it. I was around 11 at that time so rewards was not as tempting at that time so I settled with the decision of not being married at all. Haha. But that stage last till I was 16 or 17. 

Even when I was 16, I wrote in my diary (still have that diary and entry. Lol. Going to show it to my future husband) that marriage is a hassle. I disagree strongly with the fact that a woman have to listen to her husband. I hated that. I hated the fact that I have to listen to that gender. I used to hate men too, still have that tiny piece of dislike inside of me though, but I am learning. 

When I was 17, I still do not want to get married or at least even if I have to get married, it will be reallllllly late. I was still in that thought that marriage is a bad thing for me. I mean only for me because I used to be a ego-maniac, arrogant, stubborn girl towards the opposite gender. 

But then I fall in love.   

No, I still on that firm believe that I want to get married late. But that thought of marriage did cross my mind. And I was young. And I chose the wrong path. But I did not know. And Alhamdulillah, Allah protected me. Nothing happened. That guy had a girlfriend. Haha.  And I know for a fact that that was not true love, was not pure. 

[P.s, Future husband, whoever you are, wherever you are, if you are reading this, know for a fact that I love you forever and foremost and yes, I was a fool but I was young and I hope you forgive me for letting my pure heart be tainted even if by the time you are reading this, we are already married with I don't know, 3 kids? Know for a fact that I am human and know for a fact that my love towards you will suppress this foolish moment of weakness. And yes, I'm poetic, deal with it.]

Anyway, that awakens a part of me that makes me realized that marriage is slightly important and well, as years passed by, I met a friend and she taught me to love a lot of new stuff and one of those is marriage and early marriage. 

Even if I have yet to get married now, I know for a fact that I am really looking forward to that day and I want it to arrive as fast as possible. It's funny, huh? I still can't believe I used to hate marriage.

The point in all those being, you do not know what you love until you endure what you hate.

It might be that job or that course or that person that you are stuck with. Of course, some people would say, do things that you are passionate about. That only applies to people who have other choices but if you don't try to endure it. 

BUT! 

Endure it with an open mind. Well, I wouldn't used the word endure. Too negative. Embrace would be better. Embrace it. Find the hikmah behind it. Try to keep that open mind that one day you will love it and one day, who knows, it might lead to a better you, a better situation. 

Besides, who says the thing you love will be perfect? Will came our easy? Will be all fairytale and sunshine? No one said anything about it being easier and better for you.

Allah never test his servant beyond what they can. He knows us and He knows what is best for us. Pray and ask for His guidance. InsyaAllah, zettai (definitely), there is a Hikmah. 

So if you are in that situation that you have a strong dislike on, try. Try your very hardest. And look at it from a different view. A different perspective. Maybe this is a trial for you, maybe this is a way Allah wants you to get our of that comfort zone of yours. 

Who knows? 

It may not been easy, I know. I used to hate a lot of things. But then I try, no, I force myself to love it. And yes, I fell in love with the things that I hate once upon a time. And it felt good. Really good. To have lesser things to hate in this life. 

Day 7 #RamadhanTazkirah: Ganbatte!

I think I am being too formal in this Ramadhan Tazkirah post and well, I don't think I get the message across cuz I'm being too rigid. Lol. So I'm back to writing like the old Maryam. I don't know which old Maryam but the Maryam that I am comfortable of being. In Malay we call it 'sempoi'. Some people may like it formal, some people don't. 

I simply like writing it like how I usually writes my diary. Yes, I still own a diary. Not digital, and not virtual. A real life, paper diary. Haha. 

I don't really know what to share today. I went through some of my old emails and messages and blogpost and when I said old, I really mean like it was dated back during 2008 and below. OLD. Ancient archive.

Then I realized something, I had went through a lot of changes but they are not all at once. They are phases. You know, those phase that you go through your life as a human being, well, that's how it is with changes. I believe it is not just me, but a lot of you. 

And I believe those phases is what makes us wiser. 

Between those who arrived at the peak of the mountain with a plane or those who climb it, who do you think gain more experience and appreciate the peak? Obviously those who climb.

Between cooking instant Mee Goreng and the real Mee Goreng (Yeah, I'm referring to myself here), which one taste better? I think most will say real Mee Goreng but yeah, Mi Sedap is nice too even though I don't eat instant noodle. I still can tolerate Mi Sedap goreng.    

Anyway, like Miley Cyrus sang in her song The Climb:

"Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb"

Remember, Allah sees our effort, not our endings. So if you think you are tired of all the phases, think again. Allah is slowly shaping you into a becoming a better person for yourself, your family and insyaAllah, for the Ummah. 

No sweat about the fall. Everyone falls. Everyone stumble on their way to Jannah. The most important thing is to climb back up, to stand back and face the world. Be a better person, step by step.

InsyaAllah, it will be worth the whole journey. =)
So, Ganbatte! (It means Good Luck in Japanese)

Day 6 #RamadanTazkirah: Save me...

I'm lost.
Lost within time,
Lost within worlds,
Lost within memories.

Yet You remain.
Remain by my side. 
Despite my heartless move to turn away.
From You who fairs my fate. 

Honestly, who manage to live their life happily and peacefully without a single thought of God in his mind? Well none. Because the belief of One God is part of our nature, a part of us. 

We were sent down on this earth for that very purpose. To worship Allah. The rest is just a matter and a means to make us feel closer to him, to use our time wisely while we are waiting for that very moment to meet him.

To be fair, I was lost too.

I was lost once, twice, plenty of time. I did not know the meaning of life but I was searching. I'm am a rather Right Brain person so logic could not add me up. I know that there is something on this earth that we are meant to focus on. 

But I was still lost.

I choose to focus on entertainment, social life, being 'happy', being the center of attention, being lost in the world where I thought it was my lifestyle, my muse, my real self. 

But I still cried of loneliness, 
I still cried of insecurity, 
I still cried of emptiness. 

Those lifestyle was nothing but poison. I was lost. I asked Allah for help. I know He is God, but I did not know the reason behind the worship but now I do. 

Our life will forever be empty and astray if we lose Him. We need Him. We need Him more that we thought we do. Cling to Him till our last breath. Till our ending. Till our new beginning. 

We are lost, we need to be saved. 

The only one who can save us is Him. The Al-Mighty Allah.
Alhamdulillah.
Thanks Allah, for saving me.

Day 5 #RamadhanTazkirah: The Fault in Our Stars.

I just got my Driver's License today after months of passing my test. Looking at it at times I still could not believe that I can get it, that I can finally drive. Maybe to some of you the privilege of driving is a normality but to me its not. I used to have this illness and one of the things that I can not do is driving. My doctor said that I could not drive because it will be harmful to me if I do. 

So I set in my mind that one thing I will be unable to do when I became an adult is driving. It was really sad because driving is sort of like a freedom to me, I don't know. Anyway, last year after I finished my diploma, a friend of mine urge me to take my driving license so after consulting my parents, I kind of did register and failed once but in the end, I managed to look at my Driver's license card and smiled and said, I did it. 

You know, most of us, unintentionally like to blame fate for not getting what we want. We always said, "It's my fate (da takdir)" or "It is not for me (bukan jodoh)". True, at times fate to intervene in between BUT what is written for us is not necessarily written that way. 

Don't blame fate when you did not achieve something. Because blaming fate is like blaming Allah has flaws in what He wrote for you which He didn't because Allah is Perfect. His judgement and choice is perfect for you. 

But remember the verse:

"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. " (13:11)

While we are busy pointing fingers towards our fate, we are actually being stationary towards the betterment of the situation. It is not the fault in our stars, it is actually the fault in ourself. 

If we think that it is fate that we still did not get a place in the University, than work hard for it, think of other mechanism to achieve it, other route, other plan or other solution to it. Same goes to those who keep on complaining that they want to get married or want a better life, work for it instead of blaming fate. Remember, a fate is not fixed until you fix it.   

At times to we did find ourself saying, "We haven't receive the Light (belum dapat hidayah)" or "I was born this way". Dear, the Light has been shone upon you the moment Prophet Muhammad was sent down to us. The Quran, the universe, they are all signs. If you mean the Light as in the 'push', then 'push' yourself into being better.

A little step is better than none.

I'm saying this because I too was once in this foolish cycle of blaming fate because I did not get my way, because things turn out wrong. But then slowly, a friend of mine said, "Allah's thoughts is with His servant's". Meaning that whatever we think about a certain situation, Allah will make it like that.

For example, if we think that we are not going to pass a test, Allah will not let us pass because we did not have that confident in ourself, why should He, right? 

So always think positive and to never blame your fate. Remember, the fault is not in our stars but is actually in ourself. 

p.s: I purposely borrowed John Green's best-selling novel's title. Lulz. 

Day 4 #RamadhanTazkirah: Different Lens.

At times we did not realized that we tend to look at people using a specific lens. We think that is the only way to perceive someone and we end up judging them. We are all humans and it is kind of natural for to judge a book by its cover first because we seldom know the back story. That is not the problem.

The problem is that we tend to stop there. Just there. We have our perspective and we did not even want to know more, thinking that our judgement is already superior enough. I know, because at times, I found myself thinking that way. 

We can't avoid judgemental people or judgemental environment, true but at least afterwards, try to understand them. Try to understand others. 

Like a wise person always says, "Put yourself it that person's shoe." Then you know it aint all that easy, it aint all that waltz. Sometimes, all we know is talk bad about a person, saying a lot of stuff as though we are somehow a telepathic. We aren't okay? Unless you can literally read and hear and see their mind.. wait, even then, you are not allowed to put a judgement. 

In Islam, we have the thing called, 'Husnudzon'. It is when instead of think bad, we think good about others. Instead of assuming lies, we shut our mouth and let the truth spilled from the owner themselves.

The way we see the world somehow shapes who we are too. Are you a negative person or a positive? Pessimist or optimist? And the longer we instil only that one lens of negativity perspective in our mind, we will grow within it and end up being a angry or and ugly person. 

No one likes to be around those with an ugly mouth.  

Yesterday, I kind of stalk this poet's page, Fynn Jamal and I saw a lot of negative comments. People keep on judging her of everything she do, like her parenting, her lifestyle and such. I mean that is kind of fairly normal in a popular person's page or comment box. I saw the same thing in Felixia Yeap's page too. 

I mean if you don't like them, fine. No one ask you to worship them but at the very least, try to see things in a different perspective. Make the world a better place to live by decreasing hates and rude comments. 

Try to understand people's situation more than putting your ego forward because you think you are better than them thus you are not required to understand them. 

Shut down that attitude!

Everytime you want to say or put a judgement on something, stop and rethink! At least ask yourself, "Do I want people to give me the same treatment?"

Of course not. So try. Try to look at things, situation and people from a different lens before your speak up.

Day 3 #RamadhanTazkirah: Frozen Heart or Concrete Heart?

The heart exist as a representative of our whole inner self. Call me old-fashioned but I believe that the heart is fragile and once tainted, it can never be pure anymore. Most of our hearts has been tainted with sins and mistakes and dumb decision. That is normal because we are humans. We fall, stumble and stain ourself. 

Remember when the Angels came down and washed Prophet Muhammad's heart? Because only he deserve a pure heart. Most of ours are tainted. Some of us taint more than the others and that stain is what determine how we react to situations and life challenge and how we submit ourselves to the Almighty. 

But even when we have tainted hearts, Allah is the most Forgiving and most Merciful. He did not say that we can not enter Jannah, that He won't look at us. Of course He will, of course Allah will still accept us because He loves us. 

The only different is what kind of heart do we have? 

+A Frozen Heart?
or
+A Concrete Heart?

What is the different between the two? Isnt it the same? 

Well, for one thing, when something is frozen, it can be thawed with the warmness. If you have a frozen heart, at times the light or the warmness of the Deen can penetrate that icy heart of yours and in the end, you will have a warm heart. 

But if you have a concrete heart, well, the harder you tried to mould it, it will not be soft instead it will break. Those with a concrete heart is the ignorant, those who purposedly turn away from the truth because of their arrogance and egoness. Nauzubillah.

In my opinion, you should never, ever turn away from Allah's Hidayah. His light. Because the Light is a gift, a precious gift from your master and when you turn it down, do you think he will give it to you again? The chances is low, friends.

So if one day you woke up and feel like wanting to learn more about your Deen or to stop smoking or to wear the hijab, do not ever let it go. Try and try. Even though people will mock you and look at you differently, stand up and be proud to show them that you have received the Light from Allah. 

That your heart is slowly being thawed by Allah's Mercy and love.