Well, my initial plan is to write something about the movie 'Stuck in Love' because if you are a writer or planning to be one, that is the movie for you to get some motivation. Haha. And yes, it inspire me a lot but then I remembered something else. Last year, I wrote this: A letter to 22 year old me.
It was a letter I wrote for the 22 year old me and well, in a few hours I'm turning 23. You know, the funny thing is I was not looking forward for this birthday. Haha. When I was a kid, I used to pester people around me that my birthday is coming and I even had a count down written at the side of my diaries. Like, '20 more days...', '10 more days...' etc. But here I am, passing all those glorious age of 16, 18 and 21 and I wish I would remain there forever.
No, I wish to remain 22. It is supposed to be my dream year because I have been looking forward to it all this while, hoping that something magical would happen and I would remember it forever and ever.
But alas, I'm turning 23. I forgot that tomorrow is 22 February until Maxis sent me a msg saying I got free calls. Damn Maxis. Just let me leave in the oblivious for a while.
So, I since I am not really looking forward to getting older, I'll write about what is it like being 22. Well, truth is, it feels the same as any other years. I mean I'm practically an adult so I don't have an age restriction to anything anymore, so legally, I can do anything right now.
Even so, being 22 somehow has this effect on me that I am on my special age. I want to make it happen, you know. I want to be able to find my soulmate, or something like that. If it is true. I mean, I know I am a hopeless romantic person but I am somewhat a skeptic too. I don't know if it's real. I don't know if love or marriage will be real.
Almost 80% of the time when I'm 22, I thought that I am ready and I thought that I am going to find the One and get married and be a wife and a mother. I thought that I was ready. But towards the end, I became skeptic, I began to question my readiness and yes, part of it is because I've been hurt by trusting a person that would wait for me. So I let go. I'm letting go of my 'readiness', I'm letting go of the idea of marriage altogether.
Maybe I will get married, maybe I won't. And I'm okay with it. Maybe I won't find the love of my life ever. Maybe I won't experience all that cheesy moments and that fast heartbeats. And I'm okay. Maybe I won't ever have a baby of my own and experience raising up kids. I guess this is a phrase of being an adult. You just get over it.
I have a lot of things I want to do in life. Things that I can at least plan and have a bit control of. But marriage isn't a thing that I can control, so it is no use living life waiting for Prince Charming to knock on your house and ask for your hand in marriage. So it is far better if I can focus my life on things that I can plan on. Like my studies and career later on.
I guess being 22 reminds me that I have a lot of other things. I have a whole future ahead of me and I need to act fast. I need to stop mopping around and wait for opportunities to come by, I have to search for it. I'm not getting any younger. And 22 too reminds me that I have something valuable in my hand, and I am wasting it by letting it go without investing in it and therefore, I will try to make 23 as memorable as possible. I will not waste it nor will I let it pass by because, hey, you are not going to be on the same age deck twice, mate.
Although, 22 is not really a waste. I get to meet awesome people, learn valuable lessons, and fail and fail again to remind me that I have to climb back up, to remind me that I still have Allah up there to remind me that I have to work harder than usual. It helps me to be a better person, and a better adult, I guess.
I just hope that I'll find the strength and courage to pursue writing and get something published. I was afraid actually, to publish something.. for the fear of no one reading it. But a writer I personally met the other day said, To turn that fear into a boulder and make your way through it. Focus on those who actually reads and actually support you. Ignore all the negative thoughts. So yeah, I'm making my way, InsyaAllah. Pray for me, aitez?
Oh, I'm ending this post with Edgar Allen Poe's:
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."