A Niqab entry: Why I wear it?

Assalamualaikum^^,


Well, I haven't make this public but here I am.. atleast, I think I'm ready to tell people about it.
I have been wearing the Niqab for 2 weeks now and I have been meaning to write this entry since the first week but I guess time envy me for some reason.

Day 1 of me wearing it is awkward! I mean, the morning of it, I wasn't wearing and trust me, not a thought AT ALL! I didn't plan it, that's for sure and the intention of really wearing one has never crossed my mind but I guess Allah fairs my fate better =). 


The week before I wear the veil was a terrible one. I meant, at that moment, trials rain me that alot of time I have to restrain myself from crying and you know, whenever I face hardship, I always thinks of it as Allah is holding a surprise present for me and I think this is it.


That day, on the 16th of July, around 2+pm.. 
I was faced with the ultimate trial (yes, I exaggerated it a bit) and at that time I broke down alone that even tears would not accompany me. I then consult a friend, a close one about it and I don't know how or what courage my heart received but it was there. That kind of feeling when the Light shone down on you and you can't move but be mesmerized by it. That was it. 

"Allah knocked on that tiny closed door of mine and I have answered it without a second thought." 

I took that courage I never had and witness a whole new world behind a piece of cloth called Niqab.


It was amazing because I wasn't that girl. I'm not that girl that hides my face, actually. I'm not the type to cover everything at times but I guess when Allah bestowed upon you the Light, you can't run away. Not accepting the Light is like the worst loss of all.


And I began my journey, and quite frankly, it feels normal. And secure. But that I will write on another entry. 


So, obviously, people around me asked those typical question like, "Why I wear it?" "How is my parents reaction?" "How does it feel?" You know, I felt like I just got married or something. Haha.


In my own world, I feel like I've just died and reborn anew. Or like I just got bitten by a vampire. You still live in the same body and soul but there is a part of you dies during the transmission (Okay, I'm a Vampire freak.. Ignore that!)

So.. the ultimate question: Why? Why I choose to wear it?


Let me asked you, when you fall in love.. Do you plan on it first or it happened out of the sudden? That's a part of my answer.. It happened! Allah happens to give me the start gear and I drive. Because its Allah's decision upon me and who am I to disobey? 


I did asked Allah that if this is not from Him, if this is just some playful moment, a mistake.. Please, please put some doubt.. Even a tiny hint of doubt but He didn't. So I accept His planning and go with it.


 And Alhamdulillah, after I tried several time to search for that reason so I can renew my Niat but still I could not find one that is against my Faith. 


I didn't wear it to look mysterious,
I didn't wear it because I follow some trend,
I didn't wear it because someone asked me to,
And definitely, I didn't wear it because I'm pious or better then other girls.
No!
In fact, I'm the worst sinner I ever know. 
I wear it because of Allah's command upon me.
I wear it because I'm the worst person and the sinners among the sinners.
I wear it.. Because I'm not strong enough without it. 


I've sin a thousand million sins before this.
So don't look at me like I'm perfect.. Like I'm pious.
And judge me when I make a slight mistake.


I am still the girl I was before and I'm trying to be a better me for my own sake.
Don't question my past 'cause it is all over.
I've sinned in the past and still making them in the future. 
So when I did.. forgive me! 


And the answer on to the question is: I wear it because Allah has opened my heart to it and asked me to wear it as a Sunnah from the Prophet's pbuh wives. Also, because Allah wants me to represent Islam with is proper attire and show the world that I'm not afraid to be judge by them. I'm not afraid to be label as old fashion and be oppress by the society because I know what I'm doing is right and that this step I'm making is a step closer towards the Lord. And for sure, I'm not wearing the Veil for anyone, not even myself. It's purely for my Creator and because of Him, InsyaAllah!


So I hope that people will understand and stop condemning those who wears a veil. We are human too. 
If wearing a Veil makes us Angels then I rather not wear it. 


-MJxx

hey, give me strength..

i have the urge to write even though i need to solat, revise and go to class in a min..

i just did not know who else to let out this thing too..
i guess i prefer to write then to talk..
atleast when i'm writing, the only judge will be the future me..
but if i talk, there's alot of judge and who knows, some bad stories going on..

the thing is, sometimes when you make a decision.. not everyone will like it.
but its the strength in that risk that keeps you going..
that tiny light that everyone tries to blow off still shines,
and keep on going no matter what..

i guess life takes you by surprise all the time..
who knows.. you did not know what tomorrow will brings but it will brings..
i guess i'm a writer and i do thinks according to what i want, my own will..
and that no matter what i'll try to stick to it..
even if it hurts like burning hell, it tears me apart..
i'll still keep that shiny light going no matter what..

please, the you that occupies my heart..
give me the constant strength that i need..
be that person who will not treat me differently after what i did..
the person who will continue saying..
"you do not need to explain, because u r just so maryam.. the only one that capable of doing something this drastic and nt thinking about it beforehand yet you still can smile and act like nothing happens"

please.. please..
do not go away..
i need that hand to pull me back up..
to slap me hard and says things happens..
stuff like that that no one will ever dare do..

stay with me till eternal comes to an end..
till my last blood dries..
stay with me, the you that occupies my heart..

-mjxx

Allah gives you trial, He too gives you blessing!

Assalamualaikum..

I know, I havent write for awhile and has been kind of in a hiatus. It is just that things are going on busy with stuff and hey, did you know tat life writes better stories then you? Awesome huh? But you know what sucks? That unlike stories, you can't erase them in case it gets weird and ugly.. You just needs to write on and on until somehow time will eventually erase it for you..


Lately, people have been.. unkind towards me. Oh God, that came out wrong.. Haha. 
I guess this is the time where life wanted to show me how I deal with that unkind people. 
And I've not been dealing well.
I somehow lose my nerves when it happens and well, things gets ugly.
Pretty ugly -.-'


Well, it is 12 at night and I do not want to talk about it.
I want to talk about how wonderful life has been and how unintelligent those who would find time talking about others behind their backs is. Yes! 
Even Islam forbid that, atleast I have my stand.


Whatever, I could not care less.


Oh, lately I have been struggling to khatam my Quran in time for Ramadhan.
And I felt close.. Close to the Quran and to well, my fitrah.
I'm glad in my midst of trial, I found Him.
Alhamdulillah!

Semester break ends!

Assalamualaikum^^,


About my last post, gosh its awful! I mean the grammatical error, the ever so straight forward feelings that I pour.. Gah! I sound like a childish 12 year old. Haha. 


Well, today I'm heading back KUIS but I won't stay there. I'm just there to put my stuff then we're heading to KL/Shah Alam for I don't know.. Shop/sleep/stay/visit my sister.. I'm not in the mood to write right now actually because my stomach is killin' me. But I still want to write because I haven't write for quiet a while.


The last 2days was fanta-bulous. Yesterday I met Najlaa and even though we like, only get to meet for an hour.. I was worth all the 6mth ++ of not meeting. And we went to Universal Studio.. We didn't go inside because it's night and the thing is already close.. But we get to take some picture around the big globe that says Universal studio.. And that's my first time goin' to Sentosa with a car.. I know. I've been living there yet, I still feel like a dang tourist. Haha..

I know, the tudung and the sunlight made face look sumhow  tired?! I da malas nk edit. Gahh!

 And the day before, I was with Raja at Singapore! Talk about major awesomeness! I really can't believe it till now I think. That I get to go to Bugis Junction (My all time favourite place to hang out) with Raja! Haha.. we even bought the same bags.. It was fun. The best memory I ever had for this semester break.


Well, you can judge from my writing that I am extremely in a pain and that somehow decrease my mood to write. I've planned to write and upload alot of picture but I have no will to do so today.. So, I'm so sorry. I'll upload and write again later. 


Ouch!


-MJxx

Everyone is gettin' married!

First of all, Assalamualaikum..


Second, I'm not jealous! Pfft, why would I be? Okay, maybe a little.. That is why I made this post.


At the hotel last week, I was telling my dad that some of my friends was married and even some have kids just for the mere of having a conversation and then my dad was like, "Oh, so Maryam is stressing out that all of her friends are getting married." And I was like, Whaaa...?


I mean, I'm not like.. "Ohh, why am I still not married?!" Because I slightly don't care. I like being single. I don't have to bother caring for someone but it can be utterly lonely at times. 


And I can get a bit of a green eyes when I saw someone walking with their husband/wife or taking pictures or just weddings. I don't give a d*mn in coupling, really. I mean, when a couple taking pictures, walking together or anything, I would be like, Urg~ Because, no offence, it's disgusting. 


I mean, aren't love suppose to be pure? I mean, that's the whole point right? The thing being Haraam is one thing but- I don't know. Don't get me wrong, and don't tell me I never when through that period because I have been there. I know what it is like to be in a relationship. 


What makes me turn away from finding a boyfriend is that, I felt like it was just a one moment thing. Like taking a temporary medicine. It felt good for awhile but then it just felt wrong and I felt dirty. So that is why I've been in an off-limit act towards guys for 2yrs+ or so.


Right now, I don't even know if I can love anyone anymore. It just felt strange and too risky. I don't know. You know, right now, I'm pretty much in that confuse mode where I need someone to tell me something I'm not aware of or something I don't know. 


The only reason I want to get married early is because I do not want to end up alone or just getting married at the age that you are suppose to (e.g 25).. But more to the alone part. I do not want when I get back home from work, and the house is so lonely that I like I'm dying slowly with the silent.


But I do not want to get married with someone I do not know. It feels awful when you are living alone, but it feels even awful to live with a stranger. 


And I do not want to find love. See?! I'm such a confuse young women. Right now, I'm blaming my future husband for not finding me, and take me away from this, I don't know, confuse feeling! 


Ahh~ This is just my thoughts and opinion and what I felt about this situation. 
Take no serious notice to this. I'll eventually get over it, and well, I'll meet him. 
I'll meet him and tell him what a freakin' idiot he is for being late!


-MJ.

Semester Break Activities ^^, (Part 1)

Assalamualaikum ^^,


Well, It has been precisely 2 month of my Semester Break and we'll be having another 1 weeks and a half of it more.. Right, so the last 8 weeks doesn't go by so vain.. I actually do something despite me saying how boring it is and that I've been sitting at home.


So here are the details on 'What-I-did' for the past 8 weeks:

# I read alot of books. Well, alot than I've been reading since I started enter College life that is. And one of it is a Classical Literature, "The Scarlett Letter". The writer wrote it in Victorian English and you know what? I kind of like it and I actually use some of it in my writing and my interaction. Like for example, "Why hath thou here?" "Art thou one of thee Women?" It is kind of fun. I love the Victorian period. I love the way they dress so modestly and how they use carriage as the mere transportation and oh, they live in a cottage, though they are still some that live in cottages.


Also, since I'm a supernatural freak, I read Timeless; a story about an Angel and a Demon who had a long history together but for some reason, I think it is quiet similar to the Fallen series by Lauren Kate. I read that too since I started going to Malaysia Library. I know, awkward~ Well, I used to read alot when I stayed in Singapore because there's bookshop and library everywhere but not here. I mean, there are bookshops here in JB but most of the books are in Malay and you know how slow I am to finish Malay books. 

# I started writing again. I mean, really write. As you can see from my previous post. It's been such a long time since I was hooked on to something and keep on writing, my feelings all out. My imagination run wild like horses in the wide field. Oh, and I also wrote some Gothic poem. I have yet to show it. See? Who says staying at home with a problem internet bores out nothing? I think that as long as I have my brain with me, I'll be able to work something out.


And I'm actually glad because I love writing. It's like a part of me that makes me, me. And I felt awful to ever stop but at times, I can be so down and discourage that I always think that I'm not that good. Ah, whatever.. as long as I'm back on track, I'll start running again, InsyaAllah.

# Cooking! I know! I did not know how to cook up until my boredom came. Now then I realized how ignorant I am of the useful appliance at home that goes unused. And that when I'm bored, I love to create things and by cooking you can both create things and pleased others. Awesome huh? So, I started baking chocolate cake, cookies, home made pancakes, some traditional sweets and such. And all those recipe I thanks Google for being a great cooking master. Haha. Oh and AFC too. Hee~

#Learning, learning and still learning. You know, life ain't just what we think we might learn nor what we went through but it's a whole process of learning out of a person syllabus. This holiday, I learn and improve myself alot. Although at time, I'm not that consistence but I try. Will forever be the student of life. After all, this is the time to give your all.. Make some mistakes, and repent, and learn. 


After all, on the way to reach perfection, you tend to be better. Except if you stop.


Well, that is just a part of it. I don't know, the way I saw it.. This semester break is really something. Its fun and all, but I can't wait for the semester to reopen. This semester, I'm definitely trying my hardest to reach perfection! Zettai! 

Result & the Palestinian Nakbah Day!

As Salam ^^,

First of all, Alhamdulillah! I mean I didn't get my target GPA but atleast the GPA I got didn't disappoint me ^^, After all, Allah do know best right? The only subject that interest me to score well is Literature and not because of the lecturer or anything but because I want to further on my Degree on Literature so obviously it's something I extremely need to do well.


And Alhamdulillah, I get my target score there. 


My reaction when I got my result was surprisingly calm. You know, I'm an extremely paranoid person and I think alot before I log in to see my result. Well, 2 semester left to keep on trying my best!


You know what? This is actually my first ever time I did good in school. I was a failure since forever. Seriously, I mean when I was in my Secondary 1, I failed ALL the subject and there was 13 subject. The only 1 subject I passed was Al-Quran. Everyone include MYSELF give up hope on me.


I guess that's life. I mean, you never know where you are going to end up. 


And don't ever give up! Just like the Palestinian's!

Do you know that 15-May is the Nakbah Day for the Palestinians where at that date back at 1948 that the British proclaim a so-called Independent day for the Israel and gave them a permit to take 2/3 of the Palestinians land. That's beyond cruel but what I found sad is MY ignorance of this matter until a few days ago.


I felt somewhat ashamed with my ignorance and if it is not because of the Display Picture, I wouldn't know so I guess the motive behind everyone changing their DP is to create awareness, and Alhamdulillah, now alot of FB users are aware of the Nakbah Day.


If you want to know the symbolic of the DP, go to this website:
 http://www.szlihin.com/2012/05/simbolik-avatar-solidarity-with.html

Lastly, embrace Islam and took real good care of your Dignity. Don't ever taint it. I know, its rather random. ^^,