Losing Him (A Reflection)

Assalamualaikum =D

Hi, it’s me. Trying to write a blog entry again. I know, I know.. It has been awhile huh? A lot has happened and well, I’ll write that in another entry.

Last night, a sister message me, well Whatsapp-ing me asking:

“Maryam, if you were to lose the thing that is precious to you and that you love so much, what would you do?”

I know, it’s a rhetorical question. So I answered, “I will fight for it and try my very hardest to get it back but after trying so hard and things doesn’t go my way, I’ll let it go. Maybe it is not meant to be.”

But then the question made me think, what is that precious thing? What is that thing that I hope I won’t lose?

It makes me reflect back to what or who is the most important thing/person to me? So, you can picture me walking towards class and was deep in thought about this. Walking to class usually takes about 15-20 minutes and it depends on how fast I walk.

I love walking, you know. Especially here in UIA because the scenery and air is simply remarkable except when it rains or scorching hot. Well, I don’t mind walking in the rain but hot weather? Sun blazing? To infinity and beyond I will never like it. It weakens me! And I’m not exaggerating! Because I usually wears black, so you get my point?

Oh, I think we are a bit out of topic right now. The point being, I love walking because it gives me A LOT of time to think and reflect. Detik-detik muhasabbah. Cehh.

After a while of thinking about it and feeling totally lost and alone recently,

I’ve found the answer.

If I lose an important thing or person in life, I am still able to get up and move on because they may have a replacement and well, like I said, it is not meant to be but if I were to lose Allah, my whole life is meaningless.

I’m not just saying it, I really mean it. And I want everyone to feel that way to. To know what is the utmost priority in your life.

Lately, I think I was too overly consume with some personal problem that I realized is pulling me away from Him. When I realized this, everything halt to a stop.

I literally push all of it out. It does not matter anymore what my problem is because if it pulls me away from Allah then THAT is the biggest problem and I am training my inner most self to be aware of this.

And because of slowly losing Him, I realized that I am too, losing myself. I do thinks without thinking, get angry for no reason and find comfort in the wrong way.

I want to be a better person and that is my main objective. I’m willing to put everything aside, my feelings, my needs and my desires just so I can be someone better in the eyes of Allah.

So I pray to you, Ya Allah. Bestow upon me people that will bring me closer to you. Because I do miss that moment when we are under that circle to your light. I’ll try my hardest this time round. Hopefully when the time comes for me to close my eyes for the last time, I’ll be smiling, knowing that I’ve done my very best.

-MJxx

My Hijrah Story

Salam Ramadhan.

Everyone has that one moment where they stumble upon ‘the Light’. Bertemu cahaya Hidayah.. or something like that. Well, this is mine.

Most people think that hijrah is a 360 degree period with a one way ticket. No en route. But the reality is, hijrah has a lot of en route. We fall, we climb back up and fall again and again and again. We went back to who we are again and turn back forward and when back again.

Some people may gain the 360 change kind of thing but most of us don’t, for instance, me.

Some people think that I have been who I am right now since forever because I am from an Islamic school and that my father is an Ustaz. But even my father has that hijrah moment and trust me, that is a 360 kind of thing.

My changing point is actually from a book. And it was during my post-SPM period. The book below, Salju Sakinah is actually the first ever Islamic novel that I read and one of those rare moment where I read Malay novel.

I do not know how, but it was an eye opener.

Before, I may be from an Islamic school but to me, all of those is just purely theory. I have this understanding that Islam is only when I perform Solat, and fast and all those Ibadah that symbolize religion. But when I read this novel, I learn that Islam is actually something more.

I was too westernize. Yup, I admit it. My life was purely entertainment based. Music was basically that part of my life that I cannot live without. Western artist was my role model. My guideline had always been magazines and western novels. Growing up in Singapore, you are too free! Free to do whatever you want, wherever you go.

But more to that, I was lost.

I keep on searching the reason for my existence and always found the wrong reason. I have different belief then, and well, seriously am lost. Even my aqidah was on the line then.

I guess that is the downside of being in an Islamic school, you have the knowledge but you do not know when to apply it.

The ironic part it, I gain Islam when I had finished schooling.

But that is just one side of it, I change but instead of applying it to my life, I change the way of my life and focus ONLY on the Ibadah side. I guess it was too overwhelming that I had a breakdown. Haha. And what I get is that I lost weight A LOT!

Do you know I used to be 50kg plus plus? But now can barely exceed 47 kg.

Okay, salingan je tu..

That is my first Hijrah. I relearn about Islam. I even reread and rememorize the Solat reading back. But I guess Allah pull me from that first Hijrah so I can enter the second Hijrah.

When I entered KUIS, well, I guess there is where I learn about Islam being everything. Syumul. My first time entering Usrah and go to Islamic program and well, I meet the nicest people and became part of the nicest community ever. I learn about Palestine, Syria.. I learn about politics in islam.. My mind is exposed to things that I never knew before.

I learn Islam back from basic to attain new knowledge.

My hijrah was not from not knowing to knowing, my hijrah is from being ignorant to actually being aware.

But even so, my past is still there lingers around me, mocking me. When a thing has been a part of you for so long, you can’t possibly abandon it just like that. I fell into the darkness over and over again and at one point, I even question myself.

Is this it? Am I meant to go through this Hijrah? How come I could not stick with it just like everyone? I just want to stop trying at that moment. I’m tired of going back and forth. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. I’m tired of being a hypocrite, as I thought. I just want to be who I am.

But then it struck me.

Who I am? Not being a hypocrite? Is trying to be someone better a hypocrite? Is it like trying to be another person?  Be who I am? Who am I?

Is my true self that westernized girl who thinks nothing of Islam? IS THAT WHO I AM?

Do I want to die being that person?

I guess finally all of those hijrah, that moment of changes hit me.

I did change. That was what matters. I did found Islam, I did learn a lot. I did make an improvement. Heck, I went through a lot!

It does not matter if we keep on turning back, if we keep on visiting our past. What matters is that we did not stay there. That we return back to being better and better and better. Not everyone has that 360 degree hijrah.

"And being who you are if it is not Islam based is crap. It is just syaitan’s way of making you feel comfortable with your sins."

Who you are should be the humble servant Allah please with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Yup, I am still learning. I have 1001 more stuff that I was yet to learn and to do. I’m still a newbie and I may not be right most of the time. I change slowly and am still making sins.

To those who went through the Hijrah period and feel like going back to their Jahiliyyah period, well, don’t give up. Don’t ever, ever give up on the Hidayah that Allah gives you.

Don’t make excuses that you can’t or what other crap.

You can. You definitely can.

 Let us all change and move towards Him.

UPU Result!

Salam Ramadhan readers!

Ehee.. Blog berhabuk itu ayat cliche. 
Ni bukan berhabuk, ni da jadi sarang tikus da ni.

Anyway, just to inform you peepz that I have applied UPU for this upcoming Sept intake. And well, today is the result day. 

Sadly, I did not get any IPTA. At first, my reaction was pretty much monotonous. I thought that maybe it is due to my incomplete application but in the afternoon, I got the news that some of my friends got it. 

I guess the whole day I was just holding it in. Trying my hardest to stay strong but I end up broke down. Literally. 

Of course, my innerself keep on saying, "Nanti batal puase!" and "Dah lah, Allah is cooking up something special for you." Trust my innerself to come up with the 'Cooking' up term. -.-'

I keep on questioning myself, is it my result? Is it my MUET? Is it something else entirely? But I could not come up with anything. I guess it is pure luck. And my path is not here. Well, I could try the rayuan but if its not meant to be, it is not meant to be. 

Totally malas untuk cari gambar yg berkaitan -.-'

So, to those who fail their UPU application,

I am not saying that I'm strong enough. That I did not cry. That I accept it easily.
I've cried my heart out. I keep on thinking that what if I do not have any future at all? That I stop as ONLY a diploma student. 

I want to continue study. I want to get my PhD before I enter my 30s. It is pure torturing to stay in a University and not being one instead. Heck, I put 101% hope on this. 

Of course, saying things like its okay and whatnot to someone when you're not experiencing it is totally 'URG!' 

But this is reality. This is the world we are living in. This is the country (pfft) with annoyingly unreasonable system that we have to endure. So, just be strong.

Life have to go on. Though I am not sure what my life is anymore. 

GAH!

Okay, so forget about the negative side. Try this.

This is the tarbiyyah phrase from Allah in the lovely month of Ramadhan. Heck, are you going to throw it away? You are lucky enough to have receive it. Allah wants you to go through this period because Allah knows you. Allah knows that you can handle it. In this month of Ramadhan out off all the month, He wants you to remember Him and be close to Him now! 

Forget UPU, this is the chance! This is the chance to prove your status as Allah's humble servant. You may not be the special someone in the eye of human but you are special enough in Allah's present. 

Embrace this test and be thankful. Be thankful that Allah chooses you instead. 

Hey, cheer up heart. Allah wants you to let go of the worldly stuff to focus on you Akhirah. Cheer up friends, Allah is keeping you for something wayyyy more special than this. 

Seriously, I may not be strong. I may not be close to patient and sane but I have people around me that could at least keep me sane and I have Allah to keep me strong.

So do you.

Keep in mind, your future is still with Him. 
Be patient and be strong. 

Ehee ^.^v

Oh btw, pray for me to get a scholarship aitez? I already got my offer to University of Glasgow. Just need the money. Cruel world.

-Maryam Jameelah

Internship Diary: First Week!

*Assalamualaikum*

Gosh its been 3 mths since I last update. No wonder berhabuk semacam je.

Anyway, its over! My study life in KUIS. It is kind of sad since KUIS has sorta change my life alot and that those friends that I love, I have to leave.

Right now, I'm doing my internship or Industrial Training or well-known to students as 'Practical'. Do you want to know where?

Do you?
Do YOU?
DO YOU?

I'm doing my internship at: 'International Student Center, UTM'

It is near both my mom and dad's working place. Walking distance. Oh, wait.. I haven't tell you why I pick ISC right?

I don't.

ISC is actually a back-up choice. I really want to work in a publisher or book store where all I see is books. I did get the offer, though. I just did not accept it because, well.. when I got ISC, my mom gets so excited and my lecturer said that she wants me to do my intern there. So, as someone who is very kind, I put the needs of other first.

Haha. Nah. I know that they know better and somehow my heart is asking me to do my intern there, so I accept the offer.

The first day, people was like, "Oh, anak teacher Mala?" Even the deputy director. My mom is pretty well known by the other staff in UTM because she teaches their children and my dad too, cuz he is the 'Masjid Guy/ Zakat Officer'. It is not that I am not proud of it. I am, really. But I like to be known with my own potential. I like people to know me as Maryam Jameelah, me.. Not as someone's daughter or sister or whatever.

Anyway, whatever. Small matter.

Lets move on to: What did I do in my internship place, shall we?

This is what i wrote in my log book

Well, generally, the first task I did is photocopy the passport. And put a sticker on the passport and afterwards, the real task is documentation for visa application.

It is kind of boring -.-, I have to like, face the passports for the whole week! Its tiring and boring! And I hate being in an office. I don't care if its air condition, or comfortable or less tiring, its boring.

Since I was a little kid, I never, ever, ever fancy working in an office. Its dull. Dull, dull, dull!

Okay, I'm being a bit immature here.

When I tell my parents this, they said that I need to learn, to grow up. My friend said that too. Oh, I forgot, Ada intern with me too. Atleast, I have a friend there. It kinds of make the whole thing seems a bit better.

Muke Ada yg tgh control

But when I know that some of my other friends did a whole lot fun stuff, it kinds of bring me my spirit down. I cried once, about this. I keep on asking why do I have to do things that I don't like.

But after a few moment or two, I began to realize that maybe, Allah wants me to do things that I don't like to experience something that I do not want to experience but it is good for me. 

So, as time pass.. I began to realize.. *rolldrum*

That I gain something from doing all that. I get to learn the geography of the eastern country like I get to know where is the immigration place and kind of memorized all the states name and what is the  problem with their visa, plus the procedure. It is kind of helpful consider that if I were to apply visa later on, I know how to get mine. 

And I've seen ALOT of marriage certificate in different culture and country.It is kind of fun. Some of them have like books-sort-marriage-certificate and some needed to be translated. 

This is some that we have to deal with.

And when dealing with international student, I get to know which country usually have a bit of temper issue and which is the understanding type. 

And lastly, when I key in their course like master and phD, It kind of boost my needs to have one. Everytime I typed in Doctor of Philosophy, I kind of said to myself 'One day for sure' and well, I hope it turns to be a doa and well, Allah will grants it. 

The thing is, it does not matter whether u like the thing or not, you can do your best regardless. I always believe in a statement where you have to do things that you are passionate about or it will be meaningless. Well, I'm defiantly not passionate about documentation but who says it is meaningless? 

I get to help alot of people who Jihad it Allah's way (studying) and well, my life mission has always been to help others, so.. I kind of grateful that I can help in a way. They work hard to gain a place, to further their studies in a foreign country, leaving behind their families.. And if I were to further my studies overseas, I do not want the person who makes my visa said that he/she hates their work and why do they have to do it. 

You know, you get what you give. That's the cycle of life. 

This is my working station. Very comfy! Bilik sendiri.

So, it doesn't matter if I don't get to work with books or writing an article or organizing english program and such..  I still get to do something that I love, knowing about other culture and country. InsyaAllah, ade hikmahnye. 

PRAY FOR ME, AITEZ?

-MJxx

Delusion in Love.

Assalamualaikum^^v

I know, the title sounds cheesy and cliché but I want to make a point of something. It might be informative, or not. Depending on your stand.

So.

I just watched this movie, urm… “He’s just not that into you” and well, it is a love story and all that. I’m not into purely love story but at times I did watch it because I, well, the title interest me and the attention grabber at the beginning really grabs me.

So, the story is about lots of people. Yeah, few couples dealing with relationship all based on ‘rules’ or ‘what-I-heard’. It’s like, if a guy says “it’s nice meeting you” it means he is not interested in you or if a guy didn’t call you back, it means he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You know stuff like that.

It doesn’t only happen in their culture because sometimes when I open up some malay magazines and there’s a quiz about “If he is into you?” or “Are you in the right relationship?” or some articles about all this tips and sign that guys/girls give to see if they are interested.

It’s kind of a waste of time, you know.

I mean the reason why they are all those kind of stuff is because human are too paranoid, they are too insecure! They want something to make sure they are on the right track. But you know what? We already have that. We already have a secure guideline of love, life, everything but we refuse to instill it within ourselves.

I know, atleast at one point of our life we did ask our self. “Is that the sign?” “Is he/she the one?” “Does he like me?” Even when we never had a relationship before in our life.

I mean, I’m not an expert. I have some experience being in a relationship that doesn’t last; I’ve been through heartbreaking moment. That’s normal, that’s life. And I am kind of an observer. I like to observe stuff around me and analyzing them. And end up writing about it, like right now.

Ok, so…

The point here being that, girls especially.. Just because a guy give you extra attention or that you think that he is giving you the sign that he is interested, don’t easily fall for it!

That is the problem with us girls. We tend to make small matters into something complicated. We think too much and when things did not work out, we felt heartbroken and low and eventually blaming our self and others.

So don’t. Don’t fall for uncertainty.

That one person who you’ll be spending your entire future with will eventually come. At that is the time to give your everything; your hopes, your dream, your uncertainty, you doubt, your fear.

Even when at times, you felt like that stare is special. The way he talks to you is rare. The way he accidentally calls your name differently. The time where he messages you in the middle of the night, bringing up random topic.

I know. We all felt the need to be special for someone, but really, this is not the time. Be strong and build up your defence. He is not halal for you yet. Girls, don’t be weak in this. Being weak will hurt and hunt you later on.

In other word that actually will sound harsh is; Don’t be delusional.

-MJxx

Titanium

Assalamualaikum^^,

Hisashiburi ne? o^^o

It’s been awhile, huh?

Haha.. Well, lately my self-esteem level began to decrease because of some reason. I want to write badly but I detain myself because if I do, I’ll be too emotional and well, I don’t like that. When you write something when you are depressed or sad, you kind of like putting a blame on someone and end up being too negative. That Is why I tried my best to avoid writing in that situation. Well, except in my personal diary. 

Yes, I still keep an old-fashioned hand-written diary. Haha.

Well, some of you might notice that I was a bit down this past week. Well, that includes my all-time stalker. Haha. Well, I am down. But attitude wise, I still am able to laugh and smile and make jokes. I’m not the time to get all emo and depress and involves other party. But when I am alone, that is when that ‘sad’ side of me kind of emerges.

That is why I’m lucky because this is the busiest week for me so far and it kind of lifts my mind of it. I got to settle my thesis, practical, paper work for some programs, election, this and that. 

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is about my failure.

Yes, here I announced that I got a Band 3 for my MUET. 

Judge whatever you want to judge, think whatever you want to think. 

That you are better in me in English; most probably.  

That your future is brighter than mine, ok. 

But all in all, I think this has got nothing to do with my ability in English. This is what my Rezeki is and this is what Allah fated upon me. 

And there is always a reason on why Allah do so. 

At first, I wouldn’t accept it. I simply can’t. Do you know why?

Because it has been such a long time since I encounter failure. 

I was too caught up in being too confident that I forgot that everything is from Allah, even your result and it has nothing to do with us actually. Slowly, slowly I began to sit back up. I know if I drown myself in this failure, I will be the biggest loser because I can’t see the precious message Allah sent me and I can’t increase my strength in encountering difficulties and test.

But if I climb back up, I can see the view better.

So I have decided to retake my MUET exam and still apply the UPU. I have a blueprint of my future but surely, Allah’s blueprint is much, much better than mine. 

To my dearest friends and readers, I am not a good motivator but based on my experience, you should not lose hope. You lose once but who says you are going to lose again? Pardon my language but screw those you put judgmental thought upon you. Who are they to determine who you are? Repeat and repeat countless time, take and retake countless time. After all, life is about making footsteps not making the finish line. 

Same goes in term of our Deen. If you make mistake and repent but you still make the same mistake, repent and repent again. Allah never said that there is a limit to repent. But do not lose hope. Ignore those who say Allah is not going to accept you forgiveness, because surely, Allah will accept your forgiveness. Ignore those who say you have no hope to gain Jannah, because no one knows your ending. 

So the moral of the story here; Is to not lose hope and always strive forward. I know, easier said than done right? Well, if you did not get it done, you will not know how easy it is. Once upon a time, I used to be a failure. I used to fail every single subject that I have to retain back Secondary 2. But when there is a will, there is a way. Right now, Alhamdulillah, I manage to get a Dean List every semester, urm, minus the 1st and the 4th but Alhamdulillah.

So, strive and move forward… You are not alone. Hitori janai ne! 

-MJxx