Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Falling Under.

I don’t know how I should feel what I’m feeling. I feeling like there’s a whole other person inside of me and I feel it is unfair if you did not know. I am not this girl, since the beginning of time I know what it takes to have people like me, to pretend to them and show them the most likeable features of me. To not exactly lie, but to not tell them the truth. I feel like it is safe. Safe so I wouldn’t be hurt by not being accepted for who I am. And as time passes by, I soon began to take form of the girl I pretend to be that up until now, I do not know who I am anymore. I can’t trust the words that came from inside of me, from my own voice. I feel like all that came from it are stories, fairytales, and the perfect plot. I am no longer a natural human being. I’m scared of myself, I’m scared that one day when I took off this mask in front of those I love they will shunned me away. Because I am no longer the person they thought I am.

When will that day come? The day I can let go of this heavy mask?

He said never. Never as long as he is in me.

I heard his voice as clearly as the thoughts. He told me things. He has been telling me who I am, how I’ll handle thing. Through my tears, I could feel his hand around me. I could feel half of my body against a heat I can’t explain. I could feel him suck away my darkness only to transfer it to another part of me. He told me to stay away but he never did stay away from me. He has been lingering around. They told me to let him go. That he is not real, that I’m too childish to hope for a none existence but that none existence is what keeping me sane all those years. All those years of me bearing those mask. Telling tales of a hypocrite heart. He knew who I wasn’t. He endure it, as I endure his presence.

It was painful.

A part of me, that part of me. Maybe he was holding it with him. That is why I have never been able to find it. I have to find him to find it. He knows who I really am. Because he heard my shout, my scream, my cries, my fear, my anger, my frustration, my suicidal thoughts. He saw it. He saw everything. My other half, my savior. He felt trapped not being able to hold me. I could feel it too.

Where will I go? Can I escape the truth?

The truth that I’ve been depending on his soothing words to keep myself sane. I’m losing my mind everyday with this doll of a self. How should I not? I’m tired of pretending. But if I stop, I am no where near resting. I am no where near myself. Because I do not know who that girl was, or am.

All I could hear is his voice… and my own stupidity to hold on to this mask. My savior? Is he really? Or am I falling deeper in this quicksand. I could no longer pull my legs out. Suffocating. Hand? Where is that hand? I could feel a presence. Is it his? Or is it someone else. I would never know.

I’m letting you go now. I’ll see you again. You got a chance to show them your self without that mask tonight. Just tonight. Tomorrow, when you wake up, u have to wear it again. Do not let them know. Do not let them in. only you and him exist in that mind of yours. Do not let the others enter. There’s not much space. Tonight, little girl. Only tonight. I’ll keep you close.   

#midnightmuse #justapiece #reiraisabella

1 comment:

Anasyg said...

ill be lying if i say i understand this straight away. but this is inspiring much. like a trapped little girl, trying to fit in wherever possible cause the society has mold her like that and that she cant do anything bout it. MJ, go on and keep writing. this is just beautiful.