The only reason I felt like writing is because I met a writer with that touch-my-heart sensation. She is my Creative Writing classmate. When I first heard her read her writing, I literally had that feeling of wanting to cry but at the same time I don't want her to stop. I want to devour every word, but at the same time, I want those stream of words to keep linger. Simply, it's like buying a Dark Mint Chocolate (my Fav) and as much as you love it, you do not want to eat it all in one go. You want that taste to linger but not linger long enough till you get bored.
She's one of those writers. I fell in love with her words instantly. And I kinda look up her FB and that leads me to her blog. And well, what surprises me is that she talks a lot about God and Mercy and the Love towards gone and yeah, I guess that simply make me choke back tears. I realized her words were like mine. What I used to write anyway. I did not do it anymore now. And I was wondering why when I found the answer.
I've grew apart from my Ultimate Love. I grew apart from God.
I may be past my prime teenage years, where theories of 'finding self' lingers, but I still haven't find myself. I wanted to cry. Sometimes I thought I am this kind of girl, but then I changed to be someone else. It confuses me sometimes. Then it gets me, maybe the reason why I'm confuse about myself is because with different people/groups, I am a diff person.
All because I want to get a positive feedback from people. I realized that I've been living life according to people. And I hated it. Because that is the reason why I grew apart from Him. I forgot God. I forgot my reason to exist in this world is to be whoever He wants me to be.
I guess its a domino effect. You widen your gap with Allah and the rest seems to fall apart. Because you didn't get the roots right, the leaves will not grow healthy. Allah will forever be the root. The reason. The starter.
I miss talking to Allah, telling Him how I've achieved things, how big something insignificant are, how I used to cry telling Him my sins and my problem. Holding onto Him and only Him.
I hope one day I find myself within His premise. I grew closer and closer to My Creator. To fall in love over and over and over again with My Lord. And to die, knowing my life is blessed by Him. I know at times I've given up on Him, whereas till now, He is still watching over me.
-MJxx
