Well, I haven't make this public but here I am.. atleast, I think I'm ready to tell people about it.
I have been wearing the Niqab for 2 weeks now and I have been meaning to write this entry since the first week but I guess time envy me for some reason.
Day 1 of me wearing it is awkward! I mean, the morning of it, I wasn't wearing and trust me, not a thought AT ALL! I didn't plan it, that's for sure and the intention of really wearing one has never crossed my mind but I guess Allah fairs my fate better =).
The week before I wear the veil was a terrible one. I meant, at that moment, trials rain me that alot of time I have to restrain myself from crying and you know, whenever I face hardship, I always thinks of it as Allah is holding a surprise present for me and I think this is it.
That day, on the 16th of July, around 2+pm..
I was faced with the ultimate trial (yes, I exaggerated it a bit) and at that time I broke down alone that even tears would not accompany me. I then consult a friend, a close one about it and I don't know how or what courage my heart received but it was there. That kind of feeling when the Light shone down on you and you can't move but be mesmerized by it. That was it.
"Allah knocked on that tiny closed door of mine and I have answered it without a second thought."
I took that courage I never had and witness a whole new world behind a piece of cloth called Niqab.
It was amazing because I wasn't that girl. I'm not that girl that hides my face, actually. I'm not the type to cover everything at times but I guess when Allah bestowed upon you the Light, you can't run away. Not accepting the Light is like the worst loss of all.
And I began my journey, and quite frankly, it feels normal. And secure. But that I will write on another entry.
So, obviously, people around me asked those typical question like, "Why I wear it?" "How is my parents reaction?" "How does it feel?" You know, I felt like I just got married or something. Haha.
In my own world, I feel like I've just died and reborn anew. Or like I just got bitten by a vampire. You still live in the same body and soul but there is a part of you dies during the transmission (Okay, I'm a Vampire freak.. Ignore that!)
So.. the ultimate question: Why? Why I choose to wear it?
Let me asked you, when you fall in love.. Do you plan on it first or it happened out of the sudden? That's a part of my answer.. It happened! Allah happens to give me the start gear and I drive. Because its Allah's decision upon me and who am I to disobey?
I did asked Allah that if this is not from Him, if this is just some playful moment, a mistake.. Please, please put some doubt.. Even a tiny hint of doubt but He didn't. So I accept His planning and go with it.
And Alhamdulillah, after I tried several time to search for that reason so I can renew my Niat but still I could not find one that is against my Faith.
I didn't wear it to look mysterious,
I didn't wear it because I follow some trend,
I didn't wear it because someone asked me to,
And definitely, I didn't wear it because I'm pious or better then other girls.
No!
In fact, I'm the worst sinner I ever know.
I wear it because of Allah's command upon me.
I wear it because I'm the worst person and the sinners among the sinners.
I wear it.. Because I'm not strong enough without it.
I've sin a thousand million sins before this.
So don't look at me like I'm perfect.. Like I'm pious.
And judge me when I make a slight mistake.
I am still the girl I was before and I'm trying to be a better me for my own sake.
Don't question my past 'cause it is all over.
I've sinned in the past and still making them in the future.
So when I did.. forgive me!
And the answer on to the question is: I wear it because Allah has opened my heart to it and asked me to wear it as a Sunnah from the Prophet's pbuh wives. Also, because Allah wants me to represent Islam with is proper attire and show the world that I'm not afraid to be judge by them. I'm not afraid to be label as old fashion and be oppress by the society because I know what I'm doing is right and that this step I'm making is a step closer towards the Lord. And for sure, I'm not wearing the Veil for anyone, not even myself. It's purely for my Creator and because of Him, InsyaAllah!
So I hope that people will understand and stop condemning those who wears a veil. We are human too.
If wearing a Veil makes us Angels then I rather not wear it.
-MJxx
