Day 3 #RamadhanTazkirah: Frozen Heart or Concrete Heart?

The heart exist as a representative of our whole inner self. Call me old-fashioned but I believe that the heart is fragile and once tainted, it can never be pure anymore. Most of our hearts has been tainted with sins and mistakes and dumb decision. That is normal because we are humans. We fall, stumble and stain ourself. 

Remember when the Angels came down and washed Prophet Muhammad's heart? Because only he deserve a pure heart. Most of ours are tainted. Some of us taint more than the others and that stain is what determine how we react to situations and life challenge and how we submit ourselves to the Almighty. 

But even when we have tainted hearts, Allah is the most Forgiving and most Merciful. He did not say that we can not enter Jannah, that He won't look at us. Of course He will, of course Allah will still accept us because He loves us. 

The only different is what kind of heart do we have? 

+A Frozen Heart?
or
+A Concrete Heart?

What is the different between the two? Isnt it the same? 

Well, for one thing, when something is frozen, it can be thawed with the warmness. If you have a frozen heart, at times the light or the warmness of the Deen can penetrate that icy heart of yours and in the end, you will have a warm heart. 

But if you have a concrete heart, well, the harder you tried to mould it, it will not be soft instead it will break. Those with a concrete heart is the ignorant, those who purposedly turn away from the truth because of their arrogance and egoness. Nauzubillah.

In my opinion, you should never, ever turn away from Allah's Hidayah. His light. Because the Light is a gift, a precious gift from your master and when you turn it down, do you think he will give it to you again? The chances is low, friends.

So if one day you woke up and feel like wanting to learn more about your Deen or to stop smoking or to wear the hijab, do not ever let it go. Try and try. Even though people will mock you and look at you differently, stand up and be proud to show them that you have received the Light from Allah. 

That your heart is slowly being thawed by Allah's Mercy and love. 

Day 2 #Ramadhan Tazkirah: Coming Home

Bismillahirahmanirahim

I was born in Singapore but I grew up in various places. When I was 15, we decided to migrate permanently to Malaysia but I started to really stay in Malaysia when I was 17 because I was still studying in Singapore during that time so I stayed at my Grandma's. Malaysia is a nice country, really. The surrounding, the life, it was fun. I meet nice people here and well, Malaysia is one of my turning point place. But nonetheless, I still yearns for Singapore at times. 

Because no matter how long I've stayed in Malaysia, Singapore is my beginning. No matter how wonderful a place is, our hometown is the best. The food, the culture, the people. We reminisce about this. 

Why is that?   

Because no matter how many time we say we did not belong there, we do.

This in fact, is the same with us human being. No matter how wonderful our life here on earth; meeting the right people, living with the memory, laughing and said to ourself, 'This is life.' Some part of us still yearns for a better place. 

And that place is Jannah (Heaven).

We were there. We once lived in that world. And right now, we are just mere stranger in this world. We migrated here and as much as we love our life here, don't you want to go back to your home town?

When I was a kid, the adults always talk about Heaven like how we can have everything there and that there is no evil people there and such. My dad always talk about how the river is filled with milk and juice and that if we want anything, it will come less than a split second. Of course, that opens up my interest to want to go to Jannah.

But as I grew older, that scenario did not seems tempting anymore because as we grew older, our mind starts to make sense of things. But still I wonder, why do adults still want to go to Jannah. 

What makes Muslims or even non-Muslims yearns of Jannah?

I guess this is it. Because we all want to go back home. 
We are tired of living as a migrate. We are tired of all things that is not permanent here.
We want to go back to the world that we came from. 

So guys, let's work our hardest to go back home, kayy?

Day 1 #RamadhanTazkirah: Make it matter.

When I was a kid, during Ramadhan, my Aunty would asked us to write a list of things we want and pray to Allah for it. Some of us wrote bicycle, doll house, new books and such and then we would pray and ask Allah for it. As years passed by, I started to think about this system and knew that something is wrong in between.

Ramadhan is a wish-granting season, no doubt. I've experienced it myself last Ramadhan when I pray to Allah that I want to be accepted to UIA. It was slightly impossible in my part because a) Rayuan Placement is extremely limited and b) I did not meet the requirement. But even so, my parents asked me to keep on praying and praying for it because in between impossibility, miracles happened. 

So I did and in the night of the 27th Ramadhan which is believed to be most prominently Lailatul Qadr, I land a chance to do my Iktikaf at IIUM's mosque. I was surprised and overjoyed because the place was extremely crowded and well, I just felt like I want to be there. It was no longer a want but a need. So I prayed that night that I have found the reason why I want to be here and alhamdulillah, I got accepted later on despite it being impossible. 

So yeah, Ramadhan is magical itself. Its like everything you touch turns to pure gold and everything you thought becomes a reality. 

But even so, some of us still pray for the same thing over and over again each year but we still did not see the sign of it coming. 

It hurts isn't it? And somehow you would feel like it is not fair, like why would someone else get it but you didn't. Well, look at the quote above. I find it extremely true.

"It hurt because it mattered."

I got hurt when I did not get any IPTA in the first place and I guess maybe I have to feel the hurt first before I know that it matters to me. When we did not get what we want, we then came to realize that it actually matter to us in whatever terms. 

The more we realized that it matters, the more we will be appreciating it in the future. So, make it matter. Make the whole process of hurt into the process of cherishing something. 

Maybe you did not get the opportunity or you did not get the person you want or the place or lifestyle, but in between not getting it is that you gain more and more reason to hold on to it. 

So don't lose hope. Pray and keep on praying. You do not know if your miracle is somewhere in between that rejection.

Future Planning #1

Bismillahhirahmanirahim.

So many people are getting married, are married and have children today and seeing this made me reflect on my future. Haha, no. I already reflect on my future countless times everyday but seeing those, especially on my FB page makes me eager to write this post.

Constantly, people ask me of my future planning.

“Nak jadi ape nanti?”

“Nak keje ape nanti?”

“Bile nak kahwin?” Seriously, I think this question is kind of rhetorical and overrated. I mean, if I can choose I have already chosen a date. Wait, I think I have… 1/4/14. Haha. But the day passed by me like air passing through a building. Doesn’t make sense, I know.

The “Nak keje ape nnti?” is preceded by “Course korg utk jadi ape?” Not a teacher, definitely. If I want to be a teacher, I would take TESL but I didn’t. Instead, I took DELS and now, BENL. English language and Literature. Both are pretty vague and unique which is just so me. Haha. -.-‘

So the answer to what my course produces? It produces individuals who have a firm grasp in the understanding of both linguistic and literature of English which is, in my opinion, something totally awesome. We might not be able to fight in court, or design a house, or cure sickness but we are what shapes the future society. Which is, once again, awesome and Malaysia has failed to recognize this awesome Human Science courses being intellectual.

So anyway, future planning.

Lumut, Perak. 

When I was a kid, my answer to ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ is a teacher. But in time, the answer changed into a Detective and afterwards it just gets weird, a Crime Fighter, a Criminal Investigator, a Travel Agent, a- oh, this one is kind of interesting: A Lollypop Man.

You know… those pakcik or makcik yang jage traffic sambil pegang that stop sign? I asked my mother what they are and my mom answered, ‘Lollypop Man’ and I got interested in being a Lollypop Man because I get to see the smiles on those children every day. Haha. I’m weird and proud.

But when I got into that serious stage of what I am going to be, during my SPM year, I have chosen to be a Psychiatrist. I like to do a research on mental illness people and I want to be able to help the lost and broken, those who people assume can’t be fix. The unfixable.

It was then that I realized my purpose of living. I want to help others.

I want to be that hand that no one gave,

the shoulder that people would go to when they have a problem and,

that ear that listens to every tainted story and help them out.

I want my life to mean something to me and to others. I want to be important and I want to make others feel as much important. Their happiness is mine. I want to be able to see that smile after tears and that hope revived.

That is by far the starting point of me realizing the purpose of my existence. To serve others welfare.

So, after I entered KUIS and now UIA, the question just get tangled and mix up and leave me hanging. 

‘What do I want to be?’ I began to ponder and ponder. ‘What is my future plan after this?’

My first plan was this: Diploma --> Degree --> Master --> Get a job --> get married --> have children --> work till I retire and go travelling. Haha.

But after a few ‘adult’ and ‘wise’ thoughts. I have decided to abolished that plan because, well, because there is no passion in between and that is not what I want in life. That is what the society expects of us, that is the usual schematic answer to future planning following schema is soooo not Maryam Jameelah.

So I have decided to get married during my studies and I do not want to get a job after I finish my degree. I want to raise my kids in front of me, with my own two hands and at the same time, make a business of my own or write. But at the same time, I want to continue study until PHd level regardless of the difficulties and tribulation and the late age. InsyaAllah, if Allah wills.

I want to be a full time mummy and housewife with a high education, making my own money without having the fix hours of 8-5, and live life for others. People will say that it is impossible but really, I don’t believe in impossibility.

I believe in my principal and rezeki from Allah.

I know my strength and what I am capable of, InsyaAllah.

So this is my plan and I know, some people gave me a look when I told them this but pfft, this is my life, please. My failure, my fall is mine. And I am willing to give my all.

But I always keep in mind that this is a plan I did for myself (because I love planning, haha.) but Allah is the best planner of all. He knows what best for me, regardless. So we’ll see.

Hence, I have given a thought of my future… how about you? 

P.s: The picture below was taken after Raja's wedding. We went to visit a TDLM warship in Lumut. It was a nice experience.

This is the Control Room.

Random Guy. Haha. This is their Rest Area. Serious awesome!

The Ship.

-MJxx

I'm only human.

"But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

'Cause I'm only human"

-Christina Perry, Human

Don't expect too much of me.

Because I might just crush you back.

Sometimes, I think my life is a lie. No, I am a lie. 

Am I a hypocrite? A pretender? A liar?

It's like I'm living in a world full of lies,

And I, being the inhabitant, is one of them.

I fake my smiles,

I fake my happiness,

I fake my life.

And the only pathetic excuse I can give myself is that, 'I'm only human'.

Sometimes I do ask myself, who am I? 

And I never did get an answer. 

And even if I do, I do not know if I can be myself around people.

Because they will surely despise me from the first sight. 

They won't accept me.

And acting is the only good thing I can do.

I've painted the perfect life in people's eyes.

"She's that kind of girl," they said and smile.

I'm not. Trust me, I'm not. 

I'm broken.

I'm tainted.

I'm lost.

And I'm searching for that kind hand.

To hold me even though they know how ugly and horrible I am.

To tell me that they will stay with me no matter how depressed and emotional I am.

To be patient with my unacceptable attitude. 

Of course, sometimes I do wish that I can be whoever I want to be.

But you can't.

The world have rules.

You are not free.

They will be people out there condemning you.

Yes, this post is emotional.

Yes, this post is dark.

And yes, I'm tired of pretending. 

------------------------------------------

Like I said, people expectation is too high sometimes. Just because we dressed modestly, posting Islamic status does not mean we are Angels. That one small mistake, will began the world of condemning. 

People used to talk bad about me. It is just a small matter that if normal people do it, they won't get judge but when I did it, suddenly everyone started to make a big fuss about it. 

I'm human, people. 

I sin too. I make mistake. I fall. I bleed. I choose wrongly.

Sometimes it makes my think.. 'Is it a good choice to change? To be a better person?'

It hurts me that among those who wears 'tudung labuh' and 'kopiah' there are still judgmental people among them. 

I used to be afraid of them. To be among them. 

Just because you have never commit that serious a sin like us, does not give you the ticket to condemn us. To look at us with that pissed off look of yours. 

You and I, we are both Daie. 

And I've been in the place of the Mad'u.

I know which kind of people that make me scared and seclusion.

So don't act up. Stop being judgmental. Stop looking at them with that pissed look when they did not listen to you. And never, ever think that you are better than them. NEVER.

I hope this kind of Daie will just vanish. 

Judging people is already harsh as it is. 

We are all human. Mistakes are a normality. 

Be their friend. Be the person they trust. Be open minded. Understand them.

Be the kind of person you want them to be.

-MJxx

Fake it till you make it.

Assalamualaikum.

I just feel like writing.

I mean I have poetry test tomorrow and my heart is making that painful reminder of my anxiety so I decided to ignore it and write. Usually I write stories every week but since this week is so emotional and stressful, I decided not to write.

But I want to write an entry.

The title of this entry is from Hlovate's novel. Anthem, I think. Check it. Like... seriously check it. Hlovate is the best writer of all time apart from John Green. In fact, Hlovate's novel is what motivates me to be a better muslim and somehow gave me this moi, moi moment. I know, I'm being such a girl. Haha.

This is one of that moi, moi moments. Ahaa. Even though it has a grammatical mistake there.

The conversation is between Minn and AO. I always find them the sweetest couple of all time. You have to like read it to find out. But really, Versus is one of the book that makes me strong enough to abandon my past and search for a better future. 

So, Fake it till you make it?

Yup, that is what I learn throughout my life. Sometimes we don't get what we want but that is not the reason to go mopping around and feel sad. It was not meant for you. And what you get, well, take time to love it. Fake it if you must. 

Because we are human. 

We can't all be perfect and started liking it in just a second. IT.TAKES.TIME.
It takes time to accept the fact that you did not get what you want and it takes time to adapt what you get. 
And it between the process, fake it. Fake liking it because eventually, you'll like it. We human just need time. 

That is what I learnt throughout stuff that I did not get. And times it may seem easy to mop around and blame fate but you are not doing yourself a favor. You are just making things worst. Blaming fate is like blaming the inevitable. 

That's one of Hlovate's too. Seems like its a Hlovate night. Haha.

Anyway, I did not plan to write on this topic. I plan to write about fear but hey, whichever.

Truthfully, I am not feeling well lately. Not my physical state, its my mental state. I keep on thinking negative thoughts and well, I got those depression overwhelmed feeling. I don't know why. 

I keep on thinking how imperfect I am and how broken I am and well, how weird I am. I'm pretty weird, I know.
And I started to detached myself from people.
Maybe its all the subjects but maybe its me.
I don't know. 

I am not the type to get emotional attached to someone so I don't do expressing feelings and 'crying on someone's shoulder' well. Especially the crying part. Not.at.all.

Oh, but I'm good at faking my emotions, so we are back to the topic.
I guess at times you just need to act and well, deal with your problem all alone. 

But you have Him, regardless. 
And well, not everyone understands you,
but He sure do. 
And the best part is that He'll listen. Always. All the time.  

So don't be afraid. Don't be reluctant. And don't be unmotivated. 
You'll get by just fine. 
And maybe one day you'll fine that one person who fits perfectly in that missing piece of yours.
And well, you'll get through. 
You definitely will, Little Angel. 

So, get back up and face the world.
Fake it till you make it, Love.

-MJxx

A letter to 22 year old Maryam

To 22 year old Maryam,

I know… I’m just a year younger but I want to give this letter, or blogpost to you so when you read it back, again and again like how you read your past diaries and feel that need to smile and laugh and learn.

So here is a few advice from past Maryam to future Maryam so future Maryam will know that past Maryam do care about her. Ahah. Ignore that.

First thing first, know where you stand right now and don’t discard your past. Your past made who you are right now. Your tainted, broken, sinful life was nothing but lessons that you HAVE to learn from. There are reasons why that happened. Don’t feel sad nor feel ashamed. Jangan lah pulak bangga2.

Be someone better than you are now. A better muslim, a better daughter, a better friend, a better sister. Progress every day. Make every day different from the one before. Grow and keep going. Move forward. 

I do not know who you will be this year nor did I know who I was a year before but whatever it is, keep Allah as your target. Mardhatillah. Him and Only Him. No other, nor other will ever be. Yes, 22 year old Maryam… you are a bit poetic now. After all, you have to like, memorized 30 poets biography. (Poetry class, Dr. Mahmudul remember?)

Older looking Maryam, if you are sad, remember your smile, remember your laughter, and remember those moments where sadness can’t penetrate your innocent soul. As close as innocent your heart could be. La tahzan, Allah will always be with you. A golden advice from your past.

22 is a very important age, I know. It’s like the FINALLY! Moment yet I know you are sad too. This is supposed to be the year where everything that you aimed happens but yet, none of that seems close to happening. It’s okay, be patient. Allah has a bigger plan for you. But who knows, your luck always come at the very last minute. I mean, OUR luck. Haha.

I do not know what else to say. Hmm… Oh, try to make a move towards something that will forever exist in this world. Like the one thing that you will be leaving for this world to improve. Be a Daie, be a Khalifah. And forever be one.

Keep on dreaming. Keep on being you. I don’t know if you will be mature later on when we are 22 but I highly doubt so. Haha. It is okay, being mature is so overrated. Be childlike but make wise choice and decision.

Accept advice,
accept failures,
accept changes,
accept imperfection.

Stay cool.
Stay awesome.
Stay positive.
Stay weird.
Stay laidback.
Stay Maryam Jameelah Azhari forever and ever.

Accept your past, embrace your future.

May you be an awesome mommy to your future children,
A vain yet awesome wife to your husband,
A Daie for the sake of Allah.
A writer that changes like for the sake of Allah.

Inspire and be inspired.

I guess that’s all. So take a deep breath and have fun being 22. REMEMBER! You are much, much closer to death that I am right now. So never, ever forget to prepare for your death above everything else. Death, after all, is inevitable.

Keep on writing, Maryam.


Yours truly,

21 year old Maryam.