To the you who owns my heart,
I just want to say, there’s so many letters I’ve wrote to you that goes unsend. Some because I purposely do so and others is because I have no courage to do so. This maybe one of the “I have no courage”. I want to write a lot of things about me, about you, about us. I want the real truth to be out before regrets overcome me. I want it out so I don’t have anything more to hide and I want to end this game. I want you to know what I feel about things, about you. But too bad I won’t send it to you because I’m not strong enough. Strong enough to feel betrayed, strong enough to trust you with my feelings and most of all, trust you not to turn away from me.
I admit I am egoistic. I am arrogant towards guys. But only because I’m scared. Scared to feel that low feelings you get when someone you love leaves you or pretend or lie. I’m not good with depression. I may look emotionless and don’t care about things but deep down inside I’m still human, I have feelings even though I try my hardest to push it away, to ignore it, to pretend it doesn’t exist but it will come out when I let my guards down.
I push people away, I fight with guys a lot, I pretend to not care about others. Only because when someone gets close to you, only two things that will happen; they leave or their existence is for a certain motive. Happiness does come around but I rather don’t feel both than feel happy and crushed down afterwards. I admit that I’m not strong. I’m so fragile and a single wrong move from you could crush me hard into pieces. I’m also scared then when I start feel comfortable and letting you in, you would turn away and walk through that door without a second look. So rather I make the first move so I won’t get hurt so much. Even if I ask you to promise me, even if you yourself promise me that you won’t leave, I still can’t risk a broken heart.
Now let’s talk about you, shall we?
You’re a guy so basically you are arrogant, egoistic, hard to decipher, hide your emotion and many more but on you, it seems that every single one of those maximize to a higher level. I understand and willing to push it away but I’m annoyed. When someone truly cares about the other person, he’ll be willing to push it aside or you could atleast minimize it. For once, push your ego and pride away! I didn’t expect you to always do that but in certain situation, please, I need to see that you truly care about it so I can give you my trust.
Sometimes or whenever it comes to you, I don’t know if you’re playing games or you’re serious. That’s the thing on you that ticks me sometimes because whenever I ask, you won’t answer but leaves me hanging. Gosh, you might think it’s insignificant but it means a lot for me to know what you actually meant. I’m not good at deciphering things especially words from a guy. I want it to be clear on what message you’re sending because I got confuse a lot. Maybe it’s just me or my paranoid attitude taking over but seriously, be truthfully or atleast make it easier for me to know what you’re trying to send.
You asked me to tell about my problems but you yourself kept it away from me. It’s always nothing or not important for me to know. Biased much? If your purpose of not telling me because you think I’ll be bored or am not interested or simply because you don’t want me to think about you differently then you’re wrong. If someone cares about me, I will return that care even if I don’t look like I’m doing so. But if you don’t want to tell me because you think I’m an outsider and I have no right to know about you then it’s clearly that you’re not trusting me and it goes back to why this couldn’t work out well.
Now is the part where I want to talk about us. Both you and I.
You may not notice this because you’re a guy and because maybe it doesn’t matter to you but I have this feeling from the first time I lay my eyes on you that you’re going to be someone different in my life and someone significant and simply here. I look into your eyes and see determination. You’re not like other guys and the more I push you, the harder you push me back and I end up feeling what I forbid myself to feel. You’re special to me either in a friend context, family context or care context, you just are special in your own categorized group I created.
I don’t want you to leave neither I want you to stay. Right this second I’m writing this, my feelings aren’t that strong as before but I still can’t understand why you’re still here. That’s another thing, you just won’t go away. Regardless of how many times it seems that you are going to or how many times I want to push you out of my life, you keep coming back and I want to know why. I guess you and I have no answer to this. Unless this is your master plan.
Lastly, I’m amazed. You’re different. The first and so far the only guy who could relate quite quick to me. You see me right through my eyes and it annoys and surprised me. I’m usually good at masking my feelings and the real me but sometimes you went pass it easily. Congratz. In other way, I can see that we’re kind of always on the same page. That’s the reason why I won’t let you go even if I don’t have that feelings anymore, because no matter what, I can’t and never will get bored of you. Funny how the story leads us, huh?
That’s the end of it. I hope this letter explain what you need to know. If you’re playing with my heart, then don’t think that I don’t have a back up plan to ruin your life and make you suffer like hell. I’m good at torturing guys, especially the one that easy to reach. Well, good luck with trying to figure out things.
“In the future when my children ask the story of my life, one of it will be the story of us…”
-MJ
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Okayy, before u guys get all.. waa? This was written a year ago.. well, not precisely a year but close to it to a certain someone. Well, fyi, we never settle anything yet.. It was left hanging and now like an ocean tide whipping away the surface clean, so does my feelings. I just wanted to share this so the burden will be lifted, somehow.. Well, tnx for reading..
Salam ^_^v
