Everyone is gettin' married!

First of all, Assalamualaikum..


Second, I'm not jealous! Pfft, why would I be? Okay, maybe a little.. That is why I made this post.


At the hotel last week, I was telling my dad that some of my friends was married and even some have kids just for the mere of having a conversation and then my dad was like, "Oh, so Maryam is stressing out that all of her friends are getting married." And I was like, Whaaa...?


I mean, I'm not like.. "Ohh, why am I still not married?!" Because I slightly don't care. I like being single. I don't have to bother caring for someone but it can be utterly lonely at times. 


And I can get a bit of a green eyes when I saw someone walking with their husband/wife or taking pictures or just weddings. I don't give a d*mn in coupling, really. I mean, when a couple taking pictures, walking together or anything, I would be like, Urg~ Because, no offence, it's disgusting. 


I mean, aren't love suppose to be pure? I mean, that's the whole point right? The thing being Haraam is one thing but- I don't know. Don't get me wrong, and don't tell me I never when through that period because I have been there. I know what it is like to be in a relationship. 


What makes me turn away from finding a boyfriend is that, I felt like it was just a one moment thing. Like taking a temporary medicine. It felt good for awhile but then it just felt wrong and I felt dirty. So that is why I've been in an off-limit act towards guys for 2yrs+ or so.


Right now, I don't even know if I can love anyone anymore. It just felt strange and too risky. I don't know. You know, right now, I'm pretty much in that confuse mode where I need someone to tell me something I'm not aware of or something I don't know. 


The only reason I want to get married early is because I do not want to end up alone or just getting married at the age that you are suppose to (e.g 25).. But more to the alone part. I do not want when I get back home from work, and the house is so lonely that I like I'm dying slowly with the silent.


But I do not want to get married with someone I do not know. It feels awful when you are living alone, but it feels even awful to live with a stranger. 


And I do not want to find love. See?! I'm such a confuse young women. Right now, I'm blaming my future husband for not finding me, and take me away from this, I don't know, confuse feeling! 


Ahh~ This is just my thoughts and opinion and what I felt about this situation. 
Take no serious notice to this. I'll eventually get over it, and well, I'll meet him. 
I'll meet him and tell him what a freakin' idiot he is for being late!


-MJ.