12.12.12 [Part II]

[Continue...]

Hey, you know my last post..? It's my 120 post for this blog. How ironic right? 12.12.12 and the 120 post? #Awesomeness!

Anyway, this won't be long. I want to be able to post this before 12.12.12 ends. I don't even know why it is that special. Well, to be honest, I did not do much tonight. Just accompany Raja to buy some food and such. Not much of an interest. 

So, as an ending to tonight's "event".. I wanna share something. I'm not really good at giving tazkirah that have the Ayat Quran and Hadith even though I would looooove to be good at it. The thing I would like to share is about restraining your needs to do something stupid. 

What I meant by stupid as above is not being an unintelligent person yet it means that stupid in terms of your virtues or akhlak. 

Oh my God, I hate being too formal. 

Well, to restrain your needs to make sin is simple, you have to avoid all path that leads to it. For instant, if you do not want to involve yourself in a Haram relationship, you must avoid the road that leads to it including the connection between the two of you. Only communicate if its important and if its not then let bygone be bygone. 

Ok, that doesn't really suit the word structure. Oh, well.

Then, do not let yourself to imagine yourself doing it of the 'what ifs'. You know that the what ifs is Shaitan's evil spell to make us question our fate and Allah's planning. So don't ever imagine: "What if I sent him a 'be safe' message? Maybe he will think about me." or "What if I lie? It might not be this complicated" Do not ever go there! Y? Because then you will be both ungrateful and an Idiot. 

Lastly, be strong! Be strong in restraining it. Remember, there are other rewards for you. Much BIGGER! Much VALUABLE! and much BETTER! So stay strong, act strong and be strong. 

That is all.. Sorry If it sounds weird and well, wrong. I am kind of in a mood to sleep. So whatever it is, good bye and good night. I'm going to sleep! Gahh!

Goodbye 12.12.12, I will never ever ever ever see you again. And your little traditional and game. BooHoo!

-MJxx

12.12.12 {Part I}

Assalamualaikum^^,

Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, eating some Date Cake and well, simply realizing that today's date is 12.12.12.. Well, waddaya say? It's the date of the year! I always love the date of the year for some unknown reason. And of course I'll be writing it down either in my diary or the blog.. Each year without fail! Well, except for the year 2001-2004 if I'm fairly not mistaken.. I was only a primary school student at that time and well, I'm simply not that fascinated with dates.. Ahaa..

Well, it was nothing special.

I just simply write what happen today and such, and oh, maybe this year is a bit different because it is the last year for the whole 'Date-of-the Year' thing. Yeah and you know why? Because There's not going to be a 13th month and so on. That is why I am so not excited about today. 

Just imagine the yearly ritual will stop.. And, and... What will I do next year?! 

I'm kidding. I'm not that fanatic.

So, as usual.. That what-I-did-at-12.12.12 :

1) I start of the day with watching movies. Haha. I mean, I was watching some when the clock strike 12.12.12. I watched a decent movie because that night I had like 3-4 meetings one after the other and well, I'm dying to have some escape from the pressuring world I'm in. So I choose 'College Road Trip' and 'Juno'.. Both movies made me cry. I do not even know why. I do that sometimes. 

Oh, and I slept at 4am -.-'

2) We had a fun class for both Mdm Rabi's and Mdm Hafida's. Learnt how to write a resume and well, during the Public Speaking class we had to do a twisted ending comic. It was so much fun! But even so, my head hurts and I feel very sleepy. Can't wait to sleep early tonight! 

3) On our way back to the hostel, we stopped for an Ice Cream at the PC Carnival and well, I stopped by to buy a Umobile simcard for my broadband. Officially hating Digi. I don't care if you are everywhere! You are not in my heart, that is for sure. 

Oh and the Umobile person or people, because there was 2 of them, when they listen to me talk they were like 'Are you a foreigner?' Don't get me wrong, I don't have a British accent but I would love to have one, it is just that.. There is some involuntary action in my head that whenever I speak to a Chinese, I would speak Singlish or Manglish, you know the 'I know lah', 'You get what?' That kind of slang and when they ask if I'm a foreigner, I was like 'No..' and then I was like, 'Oh, yeah.. I was a Singaporean.' 

They were like really fascinated with the fact that I was a Singaporean and that I was, well, dressed the way I dressed. I'm glad you know, to change their perception even for a little while. 

4) Paperwork, report and such! The usual club activities! It somehow manage to increase my headache. I hate this time of the semester.

I'll continue the second part tonight because well, it is incomplete until the end~

[To be continue...]        

+Lifesize+

Hey, Assalamualaikum =D

I'm not going to start with those cliche "Sorry for not writing" words because it made me feel, well.. Typical. Anyway, my b.band clearly went on an unexpected holiday for a few days and I cannot and do not like to write via my handphone nor at the CC where everyone walk behind me and like, take a peek or so. I don't even know why people like to see others computer screen when they have nothing to do with the user or whatev. It's like an involuntary habit or so.

Well, right now, here I am declaring: THIS IS MY FINAL SEMESTER * girlish sequel*

Haha. I'm not really that excited. Just that the word, 'Finally' came across alot of time. It's not that I hate this college so much that I wanna get out.. I love this college. I mean, this past 3 years has taught me more than the last 10 years of Primary and Secondary life. But mainly because, I can't wait for the next step and the next phrase of becoming a Deg student. 

This semester I only have 2 classes; one with Mdm Rabi and the other is with Mdm Hafida.. Both being the senior lecturers and quite busy but not too mention fun and fantabulous. I love their classes. Oh, and not forgetting my dear supervisor, Ms Ros. You know, before I met her, there were talks about how strict and scary she is but getting to know her, she was actually quite fun. See? You never know someone before u actually meet them. 

Oh, and we are suppose to get ready for internship soon. I kind of both looking forward and dreading it because well, I'm not really the kind that is into working with someone. I'm not good with taking orders. That is why I have always and forever set in my mind if one day, when I enter the working life, I want to work alone or working for myself and not under any boss or whatsoever. 

But you know, you never really know the future till you get there.

Oh, btw.. Yesterday at night when we went to a night market and I saw this whole tabligh family where the men all wear kurta and kopiah and the ladies all using the full niqab and dressed in black and a though strike me, "I do not want to be like them."

Oh, don't get me wrong.. It is not that I disagree with their way or so, I mean, everyone is entitle to their own opinion right? But somehow when I picture my future self.. I don't picture myself in that situation and lifestyle. My children should have their own opinion and thoughts on stuff like that as long as its Syariah Compliance. I do not want to force anything. And my husband.. for some reason, I don't mind if he is not like that because truly, neither am I. 

The way I dress nowadays is actually a reminder to myself that I have to take care, for my future. But it does not reflect my inner self that well. I still get super hyper at times, and I don't get all that 'sopan santun' stuff right in me, I don't listen to nasyid and that I prefer supernatural novels and stories at times, and I guess I'm a bit too westernise at times. I don't know how to give a tazkirah like everyone else and well.. I don't really think I reflect that 'Muslimah' girl people had in their mind. 

Sometimes I wanted to say I'm sorry but what am I being sorry about? I'm dedicating my life to Allah and not to what people think. Like a friend said, 'People will forever talk'. I may not act the way I dress and my way of thinking is somewhat different but as long as I follow Allah's order and trying my hardest, I don't think people have the right to talk about me. 

Oh, well, wow.. I get a bit carried away with my emotion. Haha. 

I guess that is all I can update. Thanks for reading =)

-MJxx  

+Parents; they are your everything to be better+

.:Assalamualaikum:.

I wanted to write those trevelogs about my journey last 2 weeks but the mood of it just doesn't seem to come. Oh, well, guess I just have to wait till I get my moods in here *pointing to my dear heart*

Right now, suddenly I have the feelings to write something else..

I have my reason for every single thing that I do and some of those reason may sound illogical but, yeah.. It seems logic enough for me. So, there are reasons why I want to be someone better in life and there is a reason why sometimes I want everything to be 'perfect'.

The reason why each day I struggle to be a better women and to be someone worth the mere existence is of course, because of Allah swt and Rasulullah saw. But there are 2 other individuals that I'm striving my every bit for.

They are my parents.

I wanted to be someone that my parents are proud of, someone that they know are worth their every hardship. Someone that they can smile when they say, 'That's my daughter'. I want to be the one who can pray for their future and their life. Their hope, and dream. 

I used to be an ungrateful child when I was young. I mean, I am still young but when I was much younger.. During, urm, my early adolescence years.. That 'rebellious' year.. You get what I mean. I never know how hard they work for us to have a better life. All I know is if I did not get what I want, it's their fault. I know right! If I can walk back to my past self I would have slap her real hard. Its a good thing I can't.

But as years I grew older and well, wiser.. Ahaha. Well, atleast had that 'eye opener' moment that I realized I love my parents too much and I can see their hard work, their pain of raising up 6 children, their hope that they put when the raise us up.. I mean raising kids are like practically gambling. It's just luck how they turn up to be. That fear of an unexpected outcome.

I love this pic of Ummi. Even made it as a wallpaper!

Even though I don't really know how it really feel but I can see it. If one day, I were to have children, I want them to be someone I can be proud of and are the pride of Islam. I want them to have at the very least the basic of Islam like how my parents gave me. Of course, there is that fear if it end up a twist but I will forever pray to Allah that they will turn up as Allah's liking. 

Just as I hope how I will turn up to be. I have a lot of time disappoint them but yet, they never ever once bring it up. Like when I failed my O-levels and waste all their thousands of money for it, like how once I wrongly choose friends, but they still have the strength to bring me up. 

Cehh, nak jugak Abi posing..

So Ummi and Abi if you are reading this, I thank you and I'm so sorry for the hardship I put you guys through. I know, I'm such an ignorant and selfish and hard-headed at times. But I promise you, I will try my very best to be that pride or yours and of course, the one that when Allah asked you will not have the hard time to answer. I'll take care of you forever and always and I will forever put you first, even when I got married later on. Haha.. no, that I can't but I will put you first before myself, forever and always. 

And dear Allah, I pray for my parents Jannah and that you repay every single goods that they have given me that I, myself can't seem to repay. I pray that they will have a good life now, and the hereafter. And that we'll be together, forever and always.

-MJxx

Special Entry; Happy Birthday, Raja!

Assalamualaikum, Dear..

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

"Everyday is a day closer to death,
But all to well, we need to live too.."

So Raja? How is being 20 so far? 
Haha.. I da nak 21 soon tauu.. U bru je 20.. 

I don't think there is any different pun of age.. 16, 18, 20.. 
They are all the same apart from different education stream.

Anyway, I nak bagi u advice pun.. I tak tau ape.. Cuz you're the one yg slalu bgi I advice..
So, thanks alot! And Congrats!
Haha, congrats for having the highest pointer. 

And for the 'thanks'..
I want to thank you for being a friend that change my life for some reason =)
I am the kind of person who gets paranoid easily but you always manage to shake some sense into me..
Of course, no one is strong enough alone.
And you always manage to be that one reason that I know, I can be strong.

Thanks for being someone who understands me..
We fought but we always manage to make up.
Thanks for wanting to be my friend..
You know what? When I first saw you during Orientation Week.. The way I saw you, you're that type of person with this outgoing personality and I am not good with outgoing type of people because well, I'm not one. 
So, I am kind of surprise that we manage to be friends =D

And I felt lucky..
Lucky because I found someone that help me recover my relationship with Allah.
Friends till Jannah, hopefully.

Thanks again for helping me in my studies,
Helping me to be strong,
Helping me in being a slave to Allah,
Helping me to be enthusiastic again,
Helping me in seeing life as widely as possible. 
To see that chances is everywhere, everytime I failed.

It is fate that we met,
It is fate that we became friends,
And it is Allah that pulls those strings together.
So I thank Him, for your existence.

Once again, Happy Birthday, Raja!
The only advice that I have for you, is to not go on, slacking around next semester! Haha.. Strive hard, kay? So you'll manage to get a 4flat pointer. 

I pray that you'll be a good daughter, wife and mother, InsyaAllah.
That you'll live your dream and well, so we can meet again in Jannah, InsyaAllah!   

Just so you know, we may not be entirely alike but that doesn't mean we can't get along.
So, thank you Raja! Thanks for being that person Allah send to me to remind me of Him.

Oh, and before I forgot..

SELAMAT DTG KE KELAB 20 TAHUN!

-MJxx

+Begin Again+

Hey, Assalamualaikum..

Okay, so I have this writer's block for like a week or so that I can't even start writing my blog so now, after this morning, I'm ready to start again! Haha. 

You might ask, "Why? What happened that morning?" Well, the thing is.. Have you ever had that random thought that suddenly popped in your mind the moment you open your eyes, or maybe not even open your eyes but when the moment your brain start working, popped random saying, quotes or maybe even songs.. 

Like what I got this morning.

I woke up for sahur and randomly the song Begin Again by Taylor Swift was playing and that for some reason the voice in my head said, "Well, we said that we wanted to give up on things sometimes and maybe did when things are not working out but eventually we 'begin again'"

I know! Most of the time, it is my random head-voice in the morning that gave me courage to pursue the day. Haha. So maybe I should tell a bit about this song for you to have like a background knowledge.. 

Well, hmm.. It is basically a song about a girl going through a break up and thought that she would never fall in love again but eventually, "But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again" As per the chorus said. I know, cliché.. but its Taylor Swift. She makes cliché sounds interesting. 

I know, I love her dress too^^,

Anyway, back to the discussion.. Well, its not really a discussion because I'm the only one with the ideas here.. Okay, whatever. So, you can view this song as a post-mortem of a break up, but I view it as something more than that.. 

It can be that small courage to stand back up after a fall, 
to continue smiling after a heartbreak, 
to start working again after losing all the data(yes, I'm referring to virus)..    

I mean, all of us went through hard times and not all of us can recover fast.. Some of us lie down that cold hard ground longer than the others and some of us climb back up the moment he falls.. We could not compare our fast recovery to those who took longer.. Maybe our situation is less severe.. 

So, just a piece of advise.. Do not ever give up. Know that one day, you will recover.. Will begin again this journey..  

If you feel that you are not able to love anyone anymore, know that one day that prince will come riding that white horse and you'll learn to love again. 
If you lost a competition and thinking that no way you will be able to compete again, one day that courage will come to you back. 
If you think that life is over for you, trust me, one day.. You will wake up and smile and feel the strength to begin again.

Anyway.. I always wanted to share this photo because I think it looks beautiful somehow. This was taken during the DELS Raya Celebration. There, wearing blue in the middle is my lovely mentor, Mdm Aishah.. She's really beautiful and I just love the way she speaks. Besides her on the right is my first favourite lecturer who taught me Linguistic 1, Mdm Aliya. 

On her left is, well, something embarrassing happen.. When giving out the invitation for the lecturers, I though she was Ms Mahanum and so I gave it to her with full confidence and she when she said, 'That's not me'. I was like, is she joking with us? And she continue, saying.. 'I'm Mdm Hafida' I was like, 'Sorry, I totally spaced out' and add some lame excuse.. It was mega embarrassing! I hope she did not remember it is me. 

Oh, and the far-left is my classmate, Anisah yg suke sibukk bile amek gambar. Haha. But somehow she looks like a cute lecturer here. Haha. 

-Mjxx

How I met your.. father? Ahaha..

Assalamualaikum^^,

Its been awhile since I write, right? I'm not on hiatus or writer's block or something but rather.. I don't have the privilege of using my broadband for now, harsh! But its fine since its exam week and I need to finish up some stuff..

Anyway, last night I had the most.. how should I put it.. realistic? awkward? dream of all. 

Well, in that dream, it was as if it is 5 or 7 years from now because I was carrying a baby and have my husband besides me. We were walking and talking at the same time and suddenly I asked, "Remember how we met?" (I guess this part must have something to do with me watching How I met your Mother till 2am in the morning.) And he was laughing and saying of course. And I don't know how, that dream brought me to a flashback years before.

I was in an exam hall but I'm not sure which college exam hall so it is not specifically KUIS. And when I was so nervous, there's this guy sat beside me and he had the most annoying exam-attitude ever that ticks me off, even when I was being super-ly nervous. 

He was moving his feet from side to side and hands playing with a pen and have that cool, not caring attitude about the exam that was about to start. And it annoys me because the sound of him playing the pen and moving his feet is disturbing my concentration so I gave him a side glare. He notices it and smile at me with that boyish smile and THAT is the only thing I remember about him. 

Strange, because I'm good at recalling my dream but everytime I dream about this guy, I forget his face. Yes, I dream about him before and the reason why I know it is the same guy is because of that smile. 

So back to that dream, the entire time of the exams he annoys me and when it is done and I went out to a cafeteria which is not somewhere familiar to KUIS, he sat beside me. I mean not directly beside me, but a table near me. And he was like, "oh, you're that girl." 

He still annoys me because I can't eat with guys present, not because of me wearing the niqab, but, well, I have that uncomfortable feeling eating when guys are present. So I waited for him to look away or atleast not be there but he ends up looking at me with an innocent/fascinating eyes. So I asked him, is there something wrong? but he shook his head. When I finish eating, unbearably beside him.. he start to clear his things and before he left, he said that I fascinates him, somehow.

And that was it.

Haha. It is weird though because it feels so realistic, so real. Even when the dream itself is unrealistic. I'm not sure about the first meeting, but the way that I was holding a baby and he was beside me laughing and smiling .. that part was the happiest part I could be feeling in a dream. And when I woke up, I feel like something just brought me back here, in this present time. 

It was like a glimpse of the future.  

Dreaming you

^Assalamualaikum^

Hey you..
You know what? I dreamed about you last night..
It was a surprised for me because as far as I became aware of it, I never had a dream with you in it.
It was weird because you are one of the people in my life that gave me a reason to dream.

You know, in that dream we were fighting as per usual but this was about something that I wrote.
You were saying how wrong I am and I was defending myself, obviously.
Then we stood there quietly, not wanting to look at each other.

And you took my hands. 
Caressed it at first but then you crossed your fingers with mine. 
And you weren't even looking, made me laughed with that egoistic attitude of yours.
But I'm glad. 

This shows how much our friendship matters to you.
This shows that you have your own way of saying sorry.
This shows that maybe, just maybe.. that dream is a sign of something.

It feels real, ya know?
That warmth. That softness. That feeling.
I want us to be friends. 
I want us to laugh at that silliness play and share stories again.
And I want us to argue, if that is a price to pay.

==END==

It was just a dream.
I like transferring images to words.
But really, that touch do feel different somehow.

I am still doing editing and listening to some songs. I know! I have to stop doing Lagha stuff at times but I can't stop it. Its been in me since forever. Music flowing in my blood. Those lyrics are my inspiration to write. My kakak naqibah said that maybe, this is the reason why I keep forgetting stuff. Huu~

Btw, I somehow missing Usrah time. I like Usrah, surprisingly. Haha. The last time we had a meeting was almost a month ago. I think. 

Arg, anyway.. I need to stop listening to songs for awhile because I need to memorize some surah + translation for my Islamic Literature. Memorizing somehow reminds me of my school days. Haha. 

How I dread to go to school because I havent memorize my Quran.
That I have to stayback at times because I did not memorize. 
That even, when I got detention, I have to memorize 3 or 4 ayat that took longer than it should. 
I miss it at times =) That at times, when in an Usrah session or something that we have to memorize hadith or some ayat, that I got giddy up. Hee~ 

When I have a child later on, I'll train him/her like how my mommy and daddy used to train me, except that I went wrong somewhere along that path that I lose it. I'll try. After all, the Quran is going to be the only friend for us later on, in our grave. 

-MJxx

It WAS my life..

.:Assalamualaikum:.

I have this thing inside of me that somehow when I read someone writing or poems or whatev that is so good, atleast in my own opinion, that it feels like falling in love. The world stop for a second and took my breath away and the more I read, the more I feel as though my head was up in the air, somewhere that at times, tears could trickled down my cheek.

I guess that is just me.

I can be a bit sentimental to stuff like that. And delusional. Whatever.

Anyway, a few days ago someone asked me about my love life and it was surprising for me. Its been awhile since someone dare to ask me that question because no one would really want to venture in my past life and that was when I realized.. Its been 2 years. 

2 years since "Forever and Always", 
2 years since fighting late at night, 
2 years since checking my fb and phone msg countless times,
2 years since smiling for no reason and crying about nothing...

Its been awhile and I did not realize it. How time has past and how I have change since then. It is not that I did not feel lonely at times and wishes that I have someone to talk to, someone that I can let things out, someone that can be that secret strength of mine.. but I know I'm no place to do so. 

I'm not that giddy high-school girl anymore. I have things that matters to me more right now. I can't afford to fall in love, to even look for one. I don't have that liberty and capability anymore. And I'm glad.

Because falling in love is such a waste of time.

My friend used to call me 'Ice Maiden' because she said that whenever I look at guys, its like they are not worthy of me, that I put up such a high wall because I do not want to let them in. That I walked around leaving frozen footprint behind. 

==ANYWAY==

I was actually being frustrated with Window Live MM because I've been editing the video of our Lit drama for hours and yet, yet.. it got stuck! Tralala.. I'm being patient here. Pfft~

Since it was way over midnight, I love losing myself to words. Letting whatever my heart desire takes place here. This is what I meant by 'Midnight Muse'.

-MJxx

A niqab entry: Some issues...

Assalamualaikum =>

Before I start, I would like to apologize to people who were offended by me. Really, I'm sorry so accept my sorry cuz I'm nt gd at giving it out.

Well, this is obviously an entry regarding the niqab and yes, I know that some people have that 'dislike' perception towards me about it. They may not confront me but end up talking about it behind my back which I find rather cowardly. I mean, if I did something wrong, tell me. I'm not the type to feel offended easily. 

So, the thing is.. people have their own reason and perspective in wearing it.. My friend once asked me, "Asal kau pakai nie? Ape pantang larang pakai ni? Aq tak paham lahh"

And my brother once said "kak, ape use akak pakai.. tepi nie nmpak ckit" .

The thing is, I already stated why I wear it and I did not 'mewajibkan' myself wearing it. Some get offended when they ask: "Sampai bile nak pakai nie?" and I answered, "Sampai kahwin nnti, InsyaAllah." And they r lyk.. asal smpai kahwin je. 

I get it, I'm nt all that good, all that saint so I might get married to someone who does not like me wearing it and well, I just have to listen to him. He is my husband, for heaven sake. But I pray that I'll get someone who will be my strength to continue wearing it. 

I admit that I took it off when eating because its really, really hard to eat and wear it at the same time.. Don't ask me if I've tried it cuz I have. Alot of time and I ends up getting all messy. But I usually situated myself where people won't walk infront so if they happened to walk infront then, what to do, I tried. 

And there's people who did not like me wearing it like my grandma.. She used to chase away my mom from home because my mom wore it and not until she took it off, then my grandma welcome her back. So whenever she is around I would not wear it. I do not want to offend her and she's already old and have some health problem so sometimes, I value making her not mad more. 

After all, its not like I'm with her 24/7.. I seldom meet her so when I do, I sacrifice a bit. It is painful though, to not wear it. It feels trapped somehow. 

So before you start to point finger at me and say those things, please listen to my side of the story. 

Yes, I'm not that pious..
I'm not an Islamic Course student..
I am an ustaz daughter but at times, I do not act like one..
I have my tainted past and never a day pass that I do not feel guilty about it..
I admit, I'm not one to say whether something is right or wrong..

Because when I wear the niqab, people are really surprise that some are speechless. The reaction in their face. But please give me a chance to improve myself.. When I'm wrong, do tell. Tell me what I did wrong because I might not know what I did wrong. I might forget it, remind me. 

So if I might have to take it off one day if the situation begs me to, so don't go all blaming and stuff but I sure hope I won't. I sure hope that I can wear it till forever ends and even beyond that. Just so you know, I love my niqab, I love wearing it. 

Call me whatever things u want; nt sincere, wanting fame, desperate for attention, acting pious or whatever I don't care.. Because what I'm doing is between me and Allah. Allah knows my intention and He knows me best so if you want to start hating me or questioning me, do so. Just so u know, if you havent heard my part of the story.. dun judge.

Everyone have their own perspective.. mine not be 100% right either. And I love my niqab, I love wearing it so don't think I don't. There are things that I value more sometimes. And I might want to one day bring up the name of niqab and do things that they think a Niqabist cant do. 

-MJxx

Not-a-total-random-post!

Assalamualaikum^^,

I just read my friend Eleena nyer blog about her moments of giving birth and I think she's awesome and sngatlah berani. Then came this feeling of wanting to have a baby of my own. Berangan, padahal kahwin pun blum. And I'm sure I'm not ready for it. I can see that some of my friends already have that ciri-ciri of being a wife but not me. I still am too childish and immature to be one. 

I plan to get married at 22 which is a longggg way to go so I do not have to get all work up. Haha. Besides, who knows in 2 years time I'll learn the true meaning of being a woman *pfft~*. I don't really care actually. I mean jodoh sume in Allah's hand right? When the perfect time come, you'll be ready as ever. I'll be ready, at the very least. Though I still can't picture my self having a family of my own.

Mesti I'll fight alot with my husband and then dier kene pujuk me or at least I hope he won't leave me because of my ego-ness and headstrong-ness. Nah, I'll try to change that part. I'll try to not be that egoistic when I get married later on. As long as he can stands me. As long as he is patient enough to be with a girl like me. 

Yaaa~ I mean, whatever. Not that it matters now.

Anyway, I'm trying to finish up my assignments; translation, Islamic Lit, Literature, Term paper..  See? I have lots to do yet I'm procrastinatinggggg!

It is a bit lonely today. I finish up time by watching Fairy Tail. Sometimes I love this whole solitude thing. It makes me reflect on myself more. 

This is just a random entry. I just feel like writing because of the whole baby thing and because I'm procrastinating. And because I have been very immature, and emotional this week due to the 'time-of-da-month' thingy. I've hurt alot of people this week so whatever, I'm sorry those people who I have hurt.. this week. Fine, or last week, or the previous week or throughout my lifetime. 

I am human. So are you people. So, get-over-it! We're not in high school anymore. We're not that young immature high school kid who talks a lot but lacks experience. Am I right? 

"You get what you give".. "What goes around comes around".. "Be kind to unkind people". 
Those words had me going throughout my lifetime.

When I fight with my best friend... When I broke up with 'that-particular-guy-who-goes-unnamed'.. When I play with other people's feeling.. When I start to be unkind.. 

Those period and moments where history is repeating itself because Allah wants to remind me that I still have not fix that particular mistake yet. So, whatever it is.. I'm fixing it now so it won't be too late. 

Wow, so it is not really that random an entry. Haha. I hope whoever read this will atleast get something from it. I don't want my words to be mere words. I want my words to help the world to be a better place. Okayy, dah merepek. Time to stop writing! =)

-MJxx

In case I remember you..

In case I remember you,
I want to be able to feel what I felt before..
I want to recall back all those sweet and awful memories..
I want you to keep on giving me those expression you use only for me..

I'm sorry that I forget you,
You are really special to me, I can feel that..
But I could not foresee what would happen to me..
I do not even think that one day I'll lose you to this..

But I promise you, I'll remember you..
I'll do whatever it takes...

I'm sorry you have to go through this..
I'm sorry you have to suffer on my behalf..
But not for long, darling I promise..

Happily ever after is not as it seems...
Dragon, princesses and evil queens,
Are nothing but mere illusion..

But you and I..
We're the victim of time and accidents,
We're the enemy of fantasy and dreams...

Whatever it is, please..
When my memory regain,
We'll stop fighting..

-MJxx

[Late night muse]

Days like this...

Salam~

I want to talk about today. 

Ha. Not precisely. Guess what happen today?

I got a scar! On my left hand index finger . From a cat. I just wanna scratch his/her tummy but I end up getting a long scratch. Harsh! 

I got a new notebook! Haha. I've been collecting notebook since forever. And right now I have 4 or 5 really expansive notebook that I don't have a heart to taint on it. So it is left unwritten. I'm not sure about this one. I'm too 'sayang' to use it. The cover has a sort of gothic theme. And the pages inside too. 

My pink LG lollipop cell phone got socked by water today. I love that phone! Even though it is not a smart phone or some latest phone, it is still too unique and it has that 'Maryam' touch to it. So far, I am the only one that I see using it here but alas, I have yet to know the rest. Anyway, its fine. Only the secret light and the message up front flickers randomly. But overall it is fine.. I'm just a bit dramatic cuz I love that phone. 

Hmm, what else?

Ah! IT quiz cancelled! Haha. We'll be having an open book test tomorrow instead. Along with Literature.. Urg! I love Literature but I hate quizzes. Sue me~

Ohh.. KUIS has this open house, university, whatever.. And I was not really that hungry because of that time of the month but I end up getting some smoked/grilled lamb.. Freakin' nice! Tralala.. I happen to love lamb. Haha.

I guess that's all. I've been having that out-of-focus moment lately. I guess it may be because of the low blood pressure but still. 

Enough of this too factual daily-life story. Today I kind of have a mixed emotion kind of thing. I'm a suspicious person. I just can not help it that I have a hard time trusting people. It's not my fault that I think everyone has a motive against me and am using me for their own benefit. I'm insecure, I get it.. So when I get this feeling I kind of hate it because then I'll be pushing everyone out! Out of my life, out of my thought. I'll end up alone. 

That is why I never really did welcome anyone in, especially guys. I always think of a conversation as playing chess.. One wrong move and they'll kill you. So I have to be careful, to stand my guard. When will I ever feel secure again? 

That is just it. Like I said, Happily ever after only applies to weaklings. Because they can't take up reality like a real pro. Haha. I'm not a pro, not at all. I'm still that girl, floating on air.. waiting for an angel to catch her. Okayy, da merepek. Tralala. 

-MJxx  

Till we meet again, Sis.

Assalamualaikum =>

I have rather a day to be remembered today. It's not something happy yet more of a mixed feelings. And whenever I have mixed feelings, my lips are sealed yet my hand will do all the thing that my mouth can't.

My 2nd sister just leaved for Jordan today.

You know, its weird.. I've been telling people for months now and did not feel anything yet today during the parting moment I was laughing then burst into tears at the same time. That is just me. I fail in expressing emotion.

I do not know how to be sad, to be jealous, to be mad like a normal human being. Because I spent years hiding, masking them. I guess today, all the years training meant nothing. I cried in the middle of the crowed infront of everyone without restraining myself. And I cry till now. 

I do not know why.
Maybe because she is my first friend ever. 
Maybe because its my thing of being the first sister, I have those unseen bond with all my siblings.
Maybe because it's near that time of the month.
And maybe, just maybe.. I am too fragile for goodbyes.

Dear Sister, if you are reading this.. I have a few things that was left unspoken just now.

I'm sorry we did not really have a proper goodbye. My tears practically ruin it all. I meant to write u a letter so you could read in the plane bt I could not bring myself to do so till now. I love you, u know. Even if I can't say it out loud by yeah, love you till forever and beyond. Till a thousand times in a thousand lives.

 Whatever, anyway.. good luck. Good luck in you life there. I know you're capable of doing so. Our meeting maybe two years, four years from now. And you might miss alot of event in my life.. graduation, continuing of studies, birthdays, wedding maybe.. But it is fine. I mean, in reality.. Happily ever after only applies to weaklings. 

That bag I gave you. It meant alot actually. Not just for the sake of giving you a present. It kind of a token for you to remember me. I have not been apart from that bag for 5, 6 years.. So, I hope you get my feelings there. Haha. 

Well, that is all. Good luck, once again. Study hard. Until we meet again <3

-MJxx

That girl...

Assalamualaikum..

Its almost 2:30am in the morning and tomorrow we have to wake up early and head up to Nilai for a one day stay yet I'm still here, being ignorant of my countless yawning. I actually just finished watching 'Snow White and the Huntsman' and love it! Even when Kristen Stewart was kind of emotionless. Haha.

Anyway, here is my Midnight Poem that I meant to write decades ago but I always forget..

That girl I saw, her eyes set straight looking in the world unseen..
That girl I saw, had her head held high yet her heart was trembling with fear..
That girl I saw, stand her ground with little experience yet a lot of courage..

That girl, her mouth is silence as a moon yet her heart is louder then thunder..
That girl, her eyes betrayed the secret of her past at times,
That girl, her feet is small yet the steps she takes in life is big..

That girl I know hiding behind that emotionless mask of hers..
That girl I know to have been lied, betrayed and left by the person her heart she once gave..
That girl I know was once a lovable and charming princess her parents knew, 
now a cold and insecure ice maiden the world know..

That girl in secret would let her guard down and fall down her knees in defeat..
That girl in secret would let that tears she held in, out..
That girl in secret would look out at the starless night and wishing for a saviour..

That girl you see, will be the one at the back of the room in a crowded place,
That girl you see, will be the one to escape reality constantly with books..
That girl you see, will be the one that turns to pages of empty diary rather than people..

That girl is a damsel and the only saviour is herself,
That girl is a guardian and the only thing that she need to guard is her heart,
That girl is an actress and the only time she stop acting is when she is alone..

And for all the world cares, that girl likes to remain in the heart rather than the memory..
And for all I could tell, that girl stays on the other side of the mirror..

mocking me with her ever presence. 

-MJxx 

MatchMaking.com

Salam AidilFitr everyone~

You know, recently I have been annoyed with people talking about wanting to marry.. can't wait to meet their future spouse or whateve in their FB status. I don't know why. I feel like, especially students.. we have to focus on what is really important infront of us like our studies but nevertheless, I used to talk likewise too. Ahakz.

Anyway, previous days before, I have to fill in this form for a sort of matchmaking thing and I'm kind of not into it. I mean, I'm not against matchmaking or anything but I don't really like it. I have this thought that if you are about to spent your whole lifetime with someone, it should be someone your heart wills.

In an episode of How I met you mother, Ted sign up for this match making thing and they try to find a suitable person for him. Just think about it, why should you marry a person who similiars you but alas, everyone has their own interest and thoughts.

But my friend did say that this maybe just one of a way on how you'll be connected to that person that was made for you and I have to agree. Maybe, just maybe because I'm too ego to admit it. Haha.

If I can choose how to write that story on how I'll be meeting my soulmate, It would be:

An accident. I don't mean the car accident, an accident like its unplanned. An unplanned moment where we met and got into a fight or something but end up falling head over heal and end up getting married. Okay, even when I read it back it totally sound overly dramatic. 

Or maybe that I've known him for quite a long time but we never did have any interaction or connection so we can talked back and laugh about it. Saying that we didn't see that one coming. 

But whatever it is, I'll leave it to Allah to decide my future. I just hope I won't marry a person I don't know or my heart did not will or a matchmaking gone wrong kind of thing.

 Because if I were to spent my whole life with someone, I want that person to know me. Really know me because my appearance is far, really far from the real me. I don't want to be accuse of deceiving him. I want him to marry me to figure out my imperfection and came to love me because of my flaws, mistakes, past and those kind of thing. 

And I don't want to marry a perfect person. 

I don't want him to have few mistakes, all perfect past, looked up by people, seldom have an imperfection in his life. No. I want him to have a past and tell me his past. I want him to not regret it and I want him to know that he does not have to be perfect. 

He does not have to be an Ustaz to impress me because I'm not impress by that. I don't want to marry an Ustaz and feel totally insecure by my lack of religion knowledge and by my tainted past and my awful way of life. I want a person to guide me and accept me. Past, present, future and love me. Love me dearly and wholeheartedly.

=) Anyway, last night I had a dream and its weird. Firstly its about my dad saying that my mom has been searching for a husband for me and that's clearly wrong because my mom has made it clear that she wants me to get married after I finished my DEGREE. So I have a long way to go. And that his name is Lukman but my dad said that he's gay which make it much, much more wrong. In a sick kind of way. Haha. 

I assume its just one of Shaitan's playmind thing. So I could not care less.

Well, thats it for this entry. Lalala. I have a hard time keeping tabs on writing. 

-MJxx