Internship Diary: First Week!

*Assalamualaikum*

Gosh its been 3 mths since I last update. No wonder berhabuk semacam je.

Anyway, its over! My study life in KUIS. It is kind of sad since KUIS has sorta change my life alot and that those friends that I love, I have to leave.

Right now, I'm doing my internship or Industrial Training or well-known to students as 'Practical'. Do you want to know where?

Do you?
Do YOU?
DO YOU?

I'm doing my internship at: 'International Student Center, UTM'

It is near both my mom and dad's working place. Walking distance. Oh, wait.. I haven't tell you why I pick ISC right?

I don't.

ISC is actually a back-up choice. I really want to work in a publisher or book store where all I see is books. I did get the offer, though. I just did not accept it because, well.. when I got ISC, my mom gets so excited and my lecturer said that she wants me to do my intern there. So, as someone who is very kind, I put the needs of other first.

Haha. Nah. I know that they know better and somehow my heart is asking me to do my intern there, so I accept the offer.

The first day, people was like, "Oh, anak teacher Mala?" Even the deputy director. My mom is pretty well known by the other staff in UTM because she teaches their children and my dad too, cuz he is the 'Masjid Guy/ Zakat Officer'. It is not that I am not proud of it. I am, really. But I like to be known with my own potential. I like people to know me as Maryam Jameelah, me.. Not as someone's daughter or sister or whatever.

Anyway, whatever. Small matter.

Lets move on to: What did I do in my internship place, shall we?

This is what i wrote in my log book

Well, generally, the first task I did is photocopy the passport. And put a sticker on the passport and afterwards, the real task is documentation for visa application.

It is kind of boring -.-, I have to like, face the passports for the whole week! Its tiring and boring! And I hate being in an office. I don't care if its air condition, or comfortable or less tiring, its boring.

Since I was a little kid, I never, ever, ever fancy working in an office. Its dull. Dull, dull, dull!

Okay, I'm being a bit immature here.

When I tell my parents this, they said that I need to learn, to grow up. My friend said that too. Oh, I forgot, Ada intern with me too. Atleast, I have a friend there. It kinds of make the whole thing seems a bit better.

Muke Ada yg tgh control

But when I know that some of my other friends did a whole lot fun stuff, it kinds of bring me my spirit down. I cried once, about this. I keep on asking why do I have to do things that I don't like.

But after a few moment or two, I began to realize that maybe, Allah wants me to do things that I don't like to experience something that I do not want to experience but it is good for me. 

So, as time pass.. I began to realize.. *rolldrum*

That I gain something from doing all that. I get to learn the geography of the eastern country like I get to know where is the immigration place and kind of memorized all the states name and what is the  problem with their visa, plus the procedure. It is kind of helpful consider that if I were to apply visa later on, I know how to get mine. 

And I've seen ALOT of marriage certificate in different culture and country.It is kind of fun. Some of them have like books-sort-marriage-certificate and some needed to be translated. 

This is some that we have to deal with.

And when dealing with international student, I get to know which country usually have a bit of temper issue and which is the understanding type. 

And lastly, when I key in their course like master and phD, It kind of boost my needs to have one. Everytime I typed in Doctor of Philosophy, I kind of said to myself 'One day for sure' and well, I hope it turns to be a doa and well, Allah will grants it. 

The thing is, it does not matter whether u like the thing or not, you can do your best regardless. I always believe in a statement where you have to do things that you are passionate about or it will be meaningless. Well, I'm defiantly not passionate about documentation but who says it is meaningless? 

I get to help alot of people who Jihad it Allah's way (studying) and well, my life mission has always been to help others, so.. I kind of grateful that I can help in a way. They work hard to gain a place, to further their studies in a foreign country, leaving behind their families.. And if I were to further my studies overseas, I do not want the person who makes my visa said that he/she hates their work and why do they have to do it. 

You know, you get what you give. That's the cycle of life. 

This is my working station. Very comfy! Bilik sendiri.

So, it doesn't matter if I don't get to work with books or writing an article or organizing english program and such..  I still get to do something that I love, knowing about other culture and country. InsyaAllah, ade hikmahnye. 

PRAY FOR ME, AITEZ?

-MJxx

Delusion in Love.

Assalamualaikum^^v

I know, the title sounds cheesy and cliché but I want to make a point of something. It might be informative, or not. Depending on your stand.

So.

I just watched this movie, urm… “He’s just not that into you” and well, it is a love story and all that. I’m not into purely love story but at times I did watch it because I, well, the title interest me and the attention grabber at the beginning really grabs me.

So, the story is about lots of people. Yeah, few couples dealing with relationship all based on ‘rules’ or ‘what-I-heard’. It’s like, if a guy says “it’s nice meeting you” it means he is not interested in you or if a guy didn’t call you back, it means he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You know stuff like that.

It doesn’t only happen in their culture because sometimes when I open up some malay magazines and there’s a quiz about “If he is into you?” or “Are you in the right relationship?” or some articles about all this tips and sign that guys/girls give to see if they are interested.

It’s kind of a waste of time, you know.

I mean the reason why they are all those kind of stuff is because human are too paranoid, they are too insecure! They want something to make sure they are on the right track. But you know what? We already have that. We already have a secure guideline of love, life, everything but we refuse to instill it within ourselves.

I know, atleast at one point of our life we did ask our self. “Is that the sign?” “Is he/she the one?” “Does he like me?” Even when we never had a relationship before in our life.

I mean, I’m not an expert. I have some experience being in a relationship that doesn’t last; I’ve been through heartbreaking moment. That’s normal, that’s life. And I am kind of an observer. I like to observe stuff around me and analyzing them. And end up writing about it, like right now.

Ok, so…

The point here being that, girls especially.. Just because a guy give you extra attention or that you think that he is giving you the sign that he is interested, don’t easily fall for it!

That is the problem with us girls. We tend to make small matters into something complicated. We think too much and when things did not work out, we felt heartbroken and low and eventually blaming our self and others.

So don’t. Don’t fall for uncertainty.

That one person who you’ll be spending your entire future with will eventually come. At that is the time to give your everything; your hopes, your dream, your uncertainty, you doubt, your fear.

Even when at times, you felt like that stare is special. The way he talks to you is rare. The way he accidentally calls your name differently. The time where he messages you in the middle of the night, bringing up random topic.

I know. We all felt the need to be special for someone, but really, this is not the time. Be strong and build up your defence. He is not halal for you yet. Girls, don’t be weak in this. Being weak will hurt and hunt you later on.

In other word that actually will sound harsh is; Don’t be delusional.

-MJxx

Titanium

Assalamualaikum^^,

Hisashiburi ne? o^^o

It’s been awhile, huh?

Haha.. Well, lately my self-esteem level began to decrease because of some reason. I want to write badly but I detain myself because if I do, I’ll be too emotional and well, I don’t like that. When you write something when you are depressed or sad, you kind of like putting a blame on someone and end up being too negative. That Is why I tried my best to avoid writing in that situation. Well, except in my personal diary. 

Yes, I still keep an old-fashioned hand-written diary. Haha.

Well, some of you might notice that I was a bit down this past week. Well, that includes my all-time stalker. Haha. Well, I am down. But attitude wise, I still am able to laugh and smile and make jokes. I’m not the time to get all emo and depress and involves other party. But when I am alone, that is when that ‘sad’ side of me kind of emerges.

That is why I’m lucky because this is the busiest week for me so far and it kind of lifts my mind of it. I got to settle my thesis, practical, paper work for some programs, election, this and that. 

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is about my failure.

Yes, here I announced that I got a Band 3 for my MUET. 

Judge whatever you want to judge, think whatever you want to think. 

That you are better in me in English; most probably.  

That your future is brighter than mine, ok. 

But all in all, I think this has got nothing to do with my ability in English. This is what my Rezeki is and this is what Allah fated upon me. 

And there is always a reason on why Allah do so. 

At first, I wouldn’t accept it. I simply can’t. Do you know why?

Because it has been such a long time since I encounter failure. 

I was too caught up in being too confident that I forgot that everything is from Allah, even your result and it has nothing to do with us actually. Slowly, slowly I began to sit back up. I know if I drown myself in this failure, I will be the biggest loser because I can’t see the precious message Allah sent me and I can’t increase my strength in encountering difficulties and test.

But if I climb back up, I can see the view better.

So I have decided to retake my MUET exam and still apply the UPU. I have a blueprint of my future but surely, Allah’s blueprint is much, much better than mine. 

To my dearest friends and readers, I am not a good motivator but based on my experience, you should not lose hope. You lose once but who says you are going to lose again? Pardon my language but screw those you put judgmental thought upon you. Who are they to determine who you are? Repeat and repeat countless time, take and retake countless time. After all, life is about making footsteps not making the finish line. 

Same goes in term of our Deen. If you make mistake and repent but you still make the same mistake, repent and repent again. Allah never said that there is a limit to repent. But do not lose hope. Ignore those who say Allah is not going to accept you forgiveness, because surely, Allah will accept your forgiveness. Ignore those who say you have no hope to gain Jannah, because no one knows your ending. 

So the moral of the story here; Is to not lose hope and always strive forward. I know, easier said than done right? Well, if you did not get it done, you will not know how easy it is. Once upon a time, I used to be a failure. I used to fail every single subject that I have to retain back Secondary 2. But when there is a will, there is a way. Right now, Alhamdulillah, I manage to get a Dean List every semester, urm, minus the 1st and the 4th but Alhamdulillah.

So, strive and move forward… You are not alone. Hitori janai ne! 

-MJxx

12.12.12 [Part II]

[Continue...]

Hey, you know my last post..? It's my 120 post for this blog. How ironic right? 12.12.12 and the 120 post? #Awesomeness!

Anyway, this won't be long. I want to be able to post this before 12.12.12 ends. I don't even know why it is that special. Well, to be honest, I did not do much tonight. Just accompany Raja to buy some food and such. Not much of an interest. 

So, as an ending to tonight's "event".. I wanna share something. I'm not really good at giving tazkirah that have the Ayat Quran and Hadith even though I would looooove to be good at it. The thing I would like to share is about restraining your needs to do something stupid. 

What I meant by stupid as above is not being an unintelligent person yet it means that stupid in terms of your virtues or akhlak. 

Oh my God, I hate being too formal. 

Well, to restrain your needs to make sin is simple, you have to avoid all path that leads to it. For instant, if you do not want to involve yourself in a Haram relationship, you must avoid the road that leads to it including the connection between the two of you. Only communicate if its important and if its not then let bygone be bygone. 

Ok, that doesn't really suit the word structure. Oh, well.

Then, do not let yourself to imagine yourself doing it of the 'what ifs'. You know that the what ifs is Shaitan's evil spell to make us question our fate and Allah's planning. So don't ever imagine: "What if I sent him a 'be safe' message? Maybe he will think about me." or "What if I lie? It might not be this complicated" Do not ever go there! Y? Because then you will be both ungrateful and an Idiot. 

Lastly, be strong! Be strong in restraining it. Remember, there are other rewards for you. Much BIGGER! Much VALUABLE! and much BETTER! So stay strong, act strong and be strong. 

That is all.. Sorry If it sounds weird and well, wrong. I am kind of in a mood to sleep. So whatever it is, good bye and good night. I'm going to sleep! Gahh!

Goodbye 12.12.12, I will never ever ever ever see you again. And your little traditional and game. BooHoo!

-MJxx

12.12.12 {Part I}

Assalamualaikum^^,

Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, eating some Date Cake and well, simply realizing that today's date is 12.12.12.. Well, waddaya say? It's the date of the year! I always love the date of the year for some unknown reason. And of course I'll be writing it down either in my diary or the blog.. Each year without fail! Well, except for the year 2001-2004 if I'm fairly not mistaken.. I was only a primary school student at that time and well, I'm simply not that fascinated with dates.. Ahaa..

Well, it was nothing special.

I just simply write what happen today and such, and oh, maybe this year is a bit different because it is the last year for the whole 'Date-of-the Year' thing. Yeah and you know why? Because There's not going to be a 13th month and so on. That is why I am so not excited about today. 

Just imagine the yearly ritual will stop.. And, and... What will I do next year?! 

I'm kidding. I'm not that fanatic.

So, as usual.. That what-I-did-at-12.12.12 :

1) I start of the day with watching movies. Haha. I mean, I was watching some when the clock strike 12.12.12. I watched a decent movie because that night I had like 3-4 meetings one after the other and well, I'm dying to have some escape from the pressuring world I'm in. So I choose 'College Road Trip' and 'Juno'.. Both movies made me cry. I do not even know why. I do that sometimes. 

Oh, and I slept at 4am -.-'

2) We had a fun class for both Mdm Rabi's and Mdm Hafida's. Learnt how to write a resume and well, during the Public Speaking class we had to do a twisted ending comic. It was so much fun! But even so, my head hurts and I feel very sleepy. Can't wait to sleep early tonight! 

3) On our way back to the hostel, we stopped for an Ice Cream at the PC Carnival and well, I stopped by to buy a Umobile simcard for my broadband. Officially hating Digi. I don't care if you are everywhere! You are not in my heart, that is for sure. 

Oh and the Umobile person or people, because there was 2 of them, when they listen to me talk they were like 'Are you a foreigner?' Don't get me wrong, I don't have a British accent but I would love to have one, it is just that.. There is some involuntary action in my head that whenever I speak to a Chinese, I would speak Singlish or Manglish, you know the 'I know lah', 'You get what?' That kind of slang and when they ask if I'm a foreigner, I was like 'No..' and then I was like, 'Oh, yeah.. I was a Singaporean.' 

They were like really fascinated with the fact that I was a Singaporean and that I was, well, dressed the way I dressed. I'm glad you know, to change their perception even for a little while. 

4) Paperwork, report and such! The usual club activities! It somehow manage to increase my headache. I hate this time of the semester.

I'll continue the second part tonight because well, it is incomplete until the end~

[To be continue...]        

+Lifesize+

Hey, Assalamualaikum =D

I'm not going to start with those cliche "Sorry for not writing" words because it made me feel, well.. Typical. Anyway, my b.band clearly went on an unexpected holiday for a few days and I cannot and do not like to write via my handphone nor at the CC where everyone walk behind me and like, take a peek or so. I don't even know why people like to see others computer screen when they have nothing to do with the user or whatev. It's like an involuntary habit or so.

Well, right now, here I am declaring: THIS IS MY FINAL SEMESTER * girlish sequel*

Haha. I'm not really that excited. Just that the word, 'Finally' came across alot of time. It's not that I hate this college so much that I wanna get out.. I love this college. I mean, this past 3 years has taught me more than the last 10 years of Primary and Secondary life. But mainly because, I can't wait for the next step and the next phrase of becoming a Deg student. 

This semester I only have 2 classes; one with Mdm Rabi and the other is with Mdm Hafida.. Both being the senior lecturers and quite busy but not too mention fun and fantabulous. I love their classes. Oh, and not forgetting my dear supervisor, Ms Ros. You know, before I met her, there were talks about how strict and scary she is but getting to know her, she was actually quite fun. See? You never know someone before u actually meet them. 

Oh, and we are suppose to get ready for internship soon. I kind of both looking forward and dreading it because well, I'm not really the kind that is into working with someone. I'm not good with taking orders. That is why I have always and forever set in my mind if one day, when I enter the working life, I want to work alone or working for myself and not under any boss or whatsoever. 

But you know, you never really know the future till you get there.

Oh, btw.. Yesterday at night when we went to a night market and I saw this whole tabligh family where the men all wear kurta and kopiah and the ladies all using the full niqab and dressed in black and a though strike me, "I do not want to be like them."

Oh, don't get me wrong.. It is not that I disagree with their way or so, I mean, everyone is entitle to their own opinion right? But somehow when I picture my future self.. I don't picture myself in that situation and lifestyle. My children should have their own opinion and thoughts on stuff like that as long as its Syariah Compliance. I do not want to force anything. And my husband.. for some reason, I don't mind if he is not like that because truly, neither am I. 

The way I dress nowadays is actually a reminder to myself that I have to take care, for my future. But it does not reflect my inner self that well. I still get super hyper at times, and I don't get all that 'sopan santun' stuff right in me, I don't listen to nasyid and that I prefer supernatural novels and stories at times, and I guess I'm a bit too westernise at times. I don't know how to give a tazkirah like everyone else and well.. I don't really think I reflect that 'Muslimah' girl people had in their mind. 

Sometimes I wanted to say I'm sorry but what am I being sorry about? I'm dedicating my life to Allah and not to what people think. Like a friend said, 'People will forever talk'. I may not act the way I dress and my way of thinking is somewhat different but as long as I follow Allah's order and trying my hardest, I don't think people have the right to talk about me. 

Oh, well, wow.. I get a bit carried away with my emotion. Haha. 

I guess that is all I can update. Thanks for reading =)

-MJxx  

+Parents; they are your everything to be better+

.:Assalamualaikum:.

I wanted to write those trevelogs about my journey last 2 weeks but the mood of it just doesn't seem to come. Oh, well, guess I just have to wait till I get my moods in here *pointing to my dear heart*

Right now, suddenly I have the feelings to write something else..

I have my reason for every single thing that I do and some of those reason may sound illogical but, yeah.. It seems logic enough for me. So, there are reasons why I want to be someone better in life and there is a reason why sometimes I want everything to be 'perfect'.

The reason why each day I struggle to be a better women and to be someone worth the mere existence is of course, because of Allah swt and Rasulullah saw. But there are 2 other individuals that I'm striving my every bit for.

They are my parents.

I wanted to be someone that my parents are proud of, someone that they know are worth their every hardship. Someone that they can smile when they say, 'That's my daughter'. I want to be the one who can pray for their future and their life. Their hope, and dream. 

I used to be an ungrateful child when I was young. I mean, I am still young but when I was much younger.. During, urm, my early adolescence years.. That 'rebellious' year.. You get what I mean. I never know how hard they work for us to have a better life. All I know is if I did not get what I want, it's their fault. I know right! If I can walk back to my past self I would have slap her real hard. Its a good thing I can't.

But as years I grew older and well, wiser.. Ahaha. Well, atleast had that 'eye opener' moment that I realized I love my parents too much and I can see their hard work, their pain of raising up 6 children, their hope that they put when the raise us up.. I mean raising kids are like practically gambling. It's just luck how they turn up to be. That fear of an unexpected outcome.

I love this pic of Ummi. Even made it as a wallpaper!

Even though I don't really know how it really feel but I can see it. If one day, I were to have children, I want them to be someone I can be proud of and are the pride of Islam. I want them to have at the very least the basic of Islam like how my parents gave me. Of course, there is that fear if it end up a twist but I will forever pray to Allah that they will turn up as Allah's liking. 

Just as I hope how I will turn up to be. I have a lot of time disappoint them but yet, they never ever once bring it up. Like when I failed my O-levels and waste all their thousands of money for it, like how once I wrongly choose friends, but they still have the strength to bring me up. 

Cehh, nak jugak Abi posing..

So Ummi and Abi if you are reading this, I thank you and I'm so sorry for the hardship I put you guys through. I know, I'm such an ignorant and selfish and hard-headed at times. But I promise you, I will try my very best to be that pride or yours and of course, the one that when Allah asked you will not have the hard time to answer. I'll take care of you forever and always and I will forever put you first, even when I got married later on. Haha.. no, that I can't but I will put you first before myself, forever and always. 

And dear Allah, I pray for my parents Jannah and that you repay every single goods that they have given me that I, myself can't seem to repay. I pray that they will have a good life now, and the hereafter. And that we'll be together, forever and always.

-MJxx