I don’t know how
I should feel what I’m feeling. I feeling like there’s a whole other person
inside of me and I feel it is unfair if you did not know. I am not this girl,
since the beginning of time I know what it takes to have people like me, to pretend
to them and show them the most likeable features of me. To not exactly lie, but
to not tell them the truth. I feel like it is safe. Safe so I wouldn’t be hurt
by not being accepted for who I am. And as time passes by, I soon began to take
form of the girl I pretend to be that up until now, I do not know who I am
anymore. I can’t trust the words that came from inside of me, from my own
voice. I feel like all that came from it are stories, fairytales, and the
perfect plot. I am no longer a natural human being. I’m scared of myself, I’m
scared that one day when I took off this mask in front of those I love they
will shunned me away. Because I am no longer the person they thought I am.
When will that
day come? The day I can let go of this heavy mask?
He said never.
Never as long as he is in me.
I heard his
voice as clearly as the thoughts. He told me things. He has been telling me who
I am, how I’ll handle thing. Through my tears, I could feel his hand around me.
I could feel half of my body against a heat I can’t explain. I could feel him
suck away my darkness only to transfer it to another part of me. He told me to
stay away but he never did stay away from me. He has been lingering around. They
told me to let him go. That he is not real, that I’m too childish to hope for a
none existence but that none existence is what keeping me sane all those years.
All those years of me bearing those mask. Telling tales of a hypocrite heart. He
knew who I wasn’t. He endure it, as I endure his presence.
It was painful.
A part of me,
that part of me. Maybe he was holding it with him. That is why I have never
been able to find it. I have to find him to find it. He knows who I really am.
Because he heard my shout, my scream, my cries, my fear, my anger, my
frustration, my suicidal thoughts. He saw it. He saw everything. My other half,
my savior. He felt trapped not being able to hold me. I could feel it too.
Where will I go?
Can I escape the truth?
The truth that I’ve
been depending on his soothing words to keep myself sane. I’m losing my mind
everyday with this doll of a self. How should I not? I’m tired of pretending. But
if I stop, I am no where near resting. I am no where near myself. Because I do
not know who that girl was, or am.
All I could hear
is his voice… and my own stupidity to hold on to this mask. My savior? Is he
really? Or am I falling deeper in this quicksand. I could no longer pull my
legs out. Suffocating. Hand? Where is that hand? I could feel a presence. Is it
his? Or is it someone else. I would never know.
I’m letting you
go now. I’ll see you again. You got a chance to show them your self without
that mask tonight. Just tonight. Tomorrow, when you wake up, u have to wear it
again. Do not let them know. Do not let them in. only you and him exist in that
mind of yours. Do not let the others enter. There’s not much space. Tonight,
little girl. Only tonight. I’ll keep you close.
#midnightmuse #justapiece #reiraisabella
